strong silent type

bean in motion

i thought he had a slight cough.  an irritation that would eventually disappear.  it hung around for close to two weeks which i wasn’t thrilled about but still no alarms were sounding.  and i did not hear a single word of complaint from him.  not one.

saturday night he was up coughing a lot more.  enough that he looked tired on sunday morning.  but still he was in high spirits, not ever saying anything about feeling sick, he wanted to play trains and running races.  in the afternoon he wanted to go play in the snow so we all went out.  he traipsed happily through the waist deep snow, climbed the snow plow made mountains and slide down them, even tried out our backyard slide.  when we got inside he started coughing pretty hard, hard enough to scare me some and i kept telling myself (and flash) it will calm down it will calm down.  but it didn’t calm down.  as we were nearing the hour mark i was planning our trip to the emergency room (not my favorite plan).

the on-call doctor gave us some idea’s and eventually this “bronchial spasm” was calmed.  flash went out and got a new humidifier (our old one smells musty) and we got through the night fairly ok.  this morning we went into the doctors office first thing.  he looked in his ears, in his throat, and listened to his lungs.

well, his throat is irritated, his tonsils are swollen, his lymps are fat and the infection is in his lungs.  i think this is bronchitis.  he hasn’t complained?  he didn’t mention his throat hurting? he doesn’t want to lay low?

nope.

yesterday i made elderberry syrup.

today i am making up a new cough/respiratory infection syrup (with my crazy herb collection and honey.)

i am roasting a chicken so i have the bones to boil to create an extra strength broth.

he got treated by our friendly alternative chiropractor.

we are using homeopathic remedies.

we are doing eucalyptus steams.

our (holistic family practice) doctor asked me to take the treatment seriously, to monitor him closely, and to call immediately if he seems worse or if he has not improved in the next 24 – 48 hours.  at that point we would switch to allopathic medicines.

i am taking a break from concocting, dosing, steaming, and otherwise treating him to drink a cup of tea and eat two cookies.  if mama gets sick this whole thing could fall apart!

so, that is here.

i guess next time he is sick i need to stay more on top of it and not trust that he will tell me how bad it is.  he seems to be the strong silent type.

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smooth the edges

i have been yammering on about joy. bliss. happiness. i did note i believe that emotions are always shifting and changing and slipping away from me. it was sort of a safety measure to remind myself that not every day is going to be so positive.

last night i had a little argument with someone i love. i hate that and i am terrible and melodramatic about it all. during the fighting part i am all terrified animal. i feel completely blind and trapped in the brightest white maze and i am tripping over my feet trying to race my way out of trap but i just can’t find which way to go. once the arguing part is over – but without resolution – i tend to sink into this dark lonely place. i cry and feel like my world is ending. i feel like i am terminally alone and potentially unloved by the person i thought loved me. i cower in the darkness waiting for something terrible to happen and wishing the hurting would stop.

did i mention the inner melodrama?

i couldn’t sleep after this particular argument and so i ended up tossing and turning for most of the night. clenching my jaw and double checking the time just to be certain it was as terribly inconceivably late as i thought it could be. oh yes! it is.

today, post argument and sleepless night i feel like i am tuned too tight. or maybe too loose. i know the world isn’t ending and my loved one and i even repaired ourselves some together but i am still raw and edgy. part over tired part emotional hang-over.

it is not a great place to start the day off, home all day with a 4.5 and 2.5 year old. the morning after another huge storm. on thursday. not just the most best starting point.

i sort of bumbled through the early morning part somewhat safely and achieving nothing. then i finally came up with a tiny attainable plan, 15 minute results yoga (i recently discovered a great love of rodney yee and if you are looking for a short sweet home yoga dvd i highly recommend this one and am yoga for your week). i got dressed, i got the kids dressed and we got out our yoga mats.  i asked that everyone remember that your mat is your personal space for yoga and you may do anything that feels good to your own body in that mat space. (my way of saying don’t all clamor onto my mat the moment you lose interest please.)

at the end of the little practice (we did full body) i lay in shavasana and felt that lightness and inner clarity that can come some days in shavasana. i heard this very kind voice telling me not to worry that i was in imperfect shape for the day. she encouraged me to embrace a momentary pause when i felt strained. she told me to “just smooth the edges.” as soon as the thought arose, the smooth the edges mantra i felt this little shift of energy all through me. an edge smoothing kind of shift. like i could ground a bit and center instead of just being all electric shocky where ever i encountered the world.

smooth the edges, i breathed. just smooth the edges.

i have snipped at thing one and thing two today perhaps more than i would like. but i have also stopped myself, taken a breath, and reminded myself i can smooth the edges. it doesn’t suddenly make me into the most capable version of myself but it does — well it just smoothes out the edges of my disrepair and it helps me to stop prickling at the little people.

this one seems so useful. i had to pass it on.

p.s. i asked for advice during shavasana, i asked for guidance and for the strength to get on with the day. that is when the advice came through. just in case, you know, you want to hear little voices chanting mantra’s at you during your 15 minute yoga practice and you are wondering if it just happens or if there is a trick. i remembered to ask for help.

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now joy.

i do have a to do list
completely incomplete.
but is isn’t hanging over my head.
it isn’t whispering in my ear about how terrible i am.
instead i keep catching myself
happy.
content.
excited.
at peace.
what is the recipe for this joy?
i can’t say
i know.
i can’t say
i don’t know.
it has to do with just being me.
and just being us.
with knitting.
with singing.
with exercise.
it has to do with staying up at night planning circle time.
practicing singing a song about jack frost.
a few quick notes in my journal.
more knitting.
putting on snow pants.
chocolate chip oatmeal coconut cookies.
saying yes to things.
making the beds.
doing the darks.
reminding myself there is no deadline.
there is no real need for hurry.
the world will not end if it takes me another ten minutes to get us out the door.
with forgiving myself more quickly when i lose my cool.
knitting.
slowly, slowly, at my speed, thinking of myself as a healer.
a woman who heals.
slowly, slowly, at my speed, chipping away at larger projects.
creating places and spaces.
more cookies.

all feelings are fleeting.
life is in constant movement – shifting and reforming all around us and within us.
times for struggle, for growth, for learning, for stretching.
and then occasionally.
just joy.

i won’t wonder when it will end.
i will just love love love the ride.

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settling in

in aiken they each have a mini pitchfork.

there is always some work to do to take care of the horses and donkey. they help muck stalls, pick out paddocks, fill and empty and scrub buckets. they like to make up dinners and breakfasts. they know how to fluff up the hay and spread out shavings.

and sweep.

here there is snow:

we are adjusting again to life at home….

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i want i want

i want a room.  a studio?  a space that is for my stuff.  my wool.  my fabric.  my creativity.  a space i can set up to meet with clients instead of always asking them to meet me at my parents home.  i want to set it up, i want to paint it, i want to hang up some photo’s, i want an alter area.

i am just putting it out there so that there is a better chance of it happening.  we have a tiny little empty bedroom right now.  it isn’t an impossible dream.  i just have to make it happen…

somehow the words often lead me to making things a reality.

now, back to my packing!

 

oh wait, i also wanted to link you to the bread recipe that the loaf i shared yesterday came from.  i always trade out some of the flour for whole wheat or white whole wheat.  this bread is simple, allows for a lot to time for the kids to knead (or chat with me while i knead) and always comes out well.  may i suggest you use a heavy hand with the olive oil and the salt (and it is worth using high quality both).  enjoy!

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just because it is tuesday

just because i have a thing for bread

i was reading this nice little piece written by a woman who was homeschooled earlier today and it was encouraging. (found it through beauty that moves which is one of the blogs i follow in my reader. i keep wanting to share what blogs i have in my reader and then i want to hear from all of you what is in yours but at the same time i don’t because i hardly need or want to spend more time reading wonderful blogs. there are so many out there!)

we are heading back home the day after tomorrow.
i might should start packing.

did i mention that to get down here flash drove my mom’s car and i flew down with the kids and my dad?that meant i could pack a few big suitcases of stuff and just fill up the car and not worry about flying with it all. now i am flying home on my own with the kids and i have to decide what we need to bring home with us and what i should just leave here for our visit in march. so, you would think i would be on it and have piles sorted and my head wrapped around what needs to be done. or that at least i would have a list going in one of my many notebooks. but, nope. nothing.

i am sad to be leaving and excited to get home. it will be nice to be with flash again (he left here almost three weeks ago!). i miss sofia, and my friends. i miss my vegetables from powisset, my meat from chestnut farms, my raw dairy. i miss my crazy herb collection which lends itself to wonderful teas plus cough and cold syrups and sometimes even sewing projects. i miss my giant insane car/truck. i think i miss blue moon bakery. oh, and my bread book (healthy bread in five minutes a day). i was even sad to miss the big snowstorm that happened last week. i love those big ones where you hunker down all day eating sweets and staring out the window hypnotized by mother nature.

i wanted to thank everyone who commented on the “triggered” post (here and on facebook). most of the time i am quietly blogging over here and there is little to no response. i used to feel sad about that actually but i have grown used to it and it just feels like the way my blog is. quiet. but it was also lovely to feel the warmth, support, kindness and thoughtful advice that came out in response to that post. so, i wanted to thank everyone who left me their thoughts. i was deeply touched and i feel like it took me to a different level in my decision making process. a much more peaceful level.

and that is that.  another tuesday.

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right now

flash is walking a part of the camino de santiago in paris.
i am in rainy south carolina with two slightly crabby kids eating cookies and wondering what to do with our afternoon.
bake something?
create an indoor obstacle course?
build forts?
bundle up and go get wet?

sometimes life married to a man who travels for work is so insane. in paris? walking the camino? while i am in hum drum?

other times it is so normal — it is the only life i know. the only life i have known. it is life.

this morning the pea told me, “i am going to paris alone.”
then, “i am going to to paris with daddy!”
then the bean chimed in, “where is she going? i go where ever pea goes. i am going to paris also!”

who knows – maybe someday we will all go to paris with daddy!

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triggered

i have held back on writing much about our possible homeschooling on this blog.  partly because we are undecided and i just wasn’t sure i was ready to defend something i am not even certain about.  partly because i am pretty sure i want to try it for kindergarden and i yet i hesitant to find out how that will be received by friends and family.  i don’t know, i guess there were a lot of reasons i held back and all of them were fear based.

 

yesterday i took the plunge and just threw it out there.

we are thinking about homeschooling.

amber commented because she is the number one best commenter in the universe.  and then an old friend of mine from a million years ago left his comment on my facebook page.  in it he said, “Send your children to school as learning how to cope with the ‘outside’ world and get along with others is essential…”

there is a lot of truth in that statement.
and.
gosh it made me feel hurt and angry.
and attacked.
and misunderstood.
and shoved into a freak corner.
and labeled as overprotective and neurotic and stupid.

it made me feel so so many things.
surely more than warranted by a simple response to a post i put up sharing that we were considering the home schooling option and then asking “anyone else?” as the end — opening up a conversation really with that final question.

it is amazing all the buttons we carry around that can be pressed. amazing what the fearful parts of us can lead us to feel.

i sat down last night and wrote in my journal about how i was feeling, about how triggered i was by this old friends comment, and about why i truly did not need to be. i wrote my way through the hurt and angry voices on my management team and then i found another part of me waiting in the wings. a grown up, confident, strong, powerful woman. a woman who is not sent shuddering into the dark corners of the room by someone else’s opinion. a woman who is not stuck part way through life needing someone to cheer her the rest of the way up the mountain. no, this woman is doing just fine on her own path. she is actually happy, brave, proud and also she is a good mother.

and yes, she is blessed.

we might homeschool. i think if we do it will be because we truly believe it is the best fit for our family. a choice made from a position of love, strength, and belief in abundance. not a decision made based on fear or a feeling of not wanting to connect with the world.

i do invite your comments. and i promise to do my best to keep my own inner demons from responding to them. (sorry mike.)

walking in beauty,
r. aka woowoo mama

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that’s just the way it is

the first time through each age is with him.

and as she follows along behind him it is so much easier to be relaxed and confident.

my first time through i am busy praying, seeking, wondering, aiming for the best, worrying about how to get there, wanting, hoping, needing.

i know they came in this birth order for their own reasons.

i know nothing is a mistake.

that he will always be the one pushing me onwards.

that he will always be the adventure.

the intensity.

the mountain hikes.

and that she will be firing along right behind him with her own strength and determination and not a care in the world about my decisions.

 

when they were babies it seemed like these big “parenting style” decisions were popping up all the time.  are we cosleeping?  are we sleep training?  are we introducing solids yet?  but then you fall into your little segment of the parenting population and things have more flow.  now, with kindergarden fast approaching there is suddenly another big one looming — will we be sending him to school or trying out homeschooling.  i can tell you already i am thinking this one through and out and over until it is dead in the ground from over handling.  thinking thinking thinking undecided.

anyone else?

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what isn’t true

for as far back as i can remember i have thought of myself as LAZY.

as someone who would rather try to find ways to do nothing then find happiness hard at work.

i have even sought out ways to make the lazy me happy – sometimes sitting down to fold laundry and watch tv when both the kids were at preschool this fall.

but recently i have realized something.

something huge.

(for me.)

i am actually happier when i am hard at work.

i feel better when i stay active and get projects done.

i enjoy doing.

holy swear word.

my entire world has flipped over and turned around.

instead of seeking out ways to do nothing without getting caught i can just do what needs to be done AND actually be a happier person at the same time.

can you even imagine this?

every night i pull out my journal and jot down a few notes about the day.  recently i have been just scrawling out over and over, i am not lazy.  that is not my truth.  i like doing things.

and i have been dreaming, dreaming big, about what other lies i am holding onto about myself.

and, in my nighttime reading, i have been underlining this word a lot:

FREEDOM.

something is brewing here.  it feels big and it also feel so flowing.  just paddling right on down stream.

(ok now mom, i know you are reading this and thinking about the pile of dirty tupperware you walked in and found on the kitchen counter that i left until later so that i could get a blog post up today and you are probably also thinking, “right.  uh huh.  that robin is just always actively doing things.  we just can’t stop her!”  so i’ll just clarify for anyone who needs it that i am still not the mountain moving kind of person that perhaps some other members of my family are — hello mom and also sister-in-law-you-know-who-are-major-do’er — but i am ready to let go of lazy.  it just doesn’t feel like a good fit anymore.)

ok?

right?

i am examining my untruths.  it is a good time for it.  want to join me?

* and speaking of joining me just in case you haven’t heard about amber’s awesome new ecourse crafting my life head on over and check it out. i am lucky enough to be helping her out in a few itty bitty ways with what promises to be a really wonderful ecourse self adventure. so, sign up and join me!

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