there is so much to say

but i have been meaning to share this for a long time so instead i’ll pop it in and let it simmer:

I’ve got a perfect body, but sometimes I forget
I’ve got a perfect body, ’cause my eyelashes catch my sweat
yes they do

– regina spektor (folding chair)

for the last few months i have been on a body overhaul journey.  running, working out in a small class with a personal trainer who has changed my world, riding my mom’s horses a little bit here and there, and being a sub on a local soccer team.  i have lost some weight but more than that my body has changed its shape but more than that i feel strong.

the stronger i feel in my body the easier time i am having of finding my voice.

the stronger i feel in my body the easier time i am having of realizing the perfection of a body lies in the function, the ability, the power to — and not the small rolls and puffs we do or do not accumulate over time.

“i’ve got a perfect body cause my eyelashes catch my sweat.  yes they do.”

p.s. the song is worth a listen if you can.

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the summer

this morning i looked out my bathroom window and took in our back yard.  so many times recently i have done the same thing and thought, “i am stretched too thin and i am not getting it all done.”  this is my reaction to seeing the tilled but then not planted land in the back corner of the yard.  the rocks still waiting to be picked out of it and moved.  the wheelbarrow parked nearby like a forgotten playmate.  my tomato plants are only half staked and most of the other vegetables i planted have been eaten by a resident bunny.  the pumpkin plants i keep intending to move out of the raised bed and into the tilled area are still untouched – presiding over the raised bed like green leafed giants.

this week flash has been traveling and it is tiring being home alone but i have had all kinds of help from my parents and a few trusted mother’s helpers and it has made all the difference in the world.  i have gone running, done a few hours of cooking, read some steiner, walked the dog, enjoyed several rounds of drawing with the kids, cooled of in my parents pool, waded in our little plastic kiddie pool, had two dinnertime playdates with friends and their kids, and even played in a soccer game.  the first soccer game i have played in since i was in high school which was – oh a long time ago.  i have been so busy that the laundry is piling up and the house is not as clean as i would like it to be but within that busyness i have found something akin to a groove.  a summer groove.  a why not groove.

oh the kids have loved our time spent building forts with the couch pillows while i blast the air conditioner and we watch world cup soccer games.  their little faces lit up when their favorite friends arrived for a dinner playdate.  they have not once complained about staying up the tiniest bit late while we squeeze in a few moments of ball playing with castle james as the sun is dimming, or have dinner at my parents house, or share a pizza with friends.

it is all loaded on like a mountain of possibility.  standing within that mountain i look out at my yard and all the unfinishedness that these last months have been and i do not feel stretched thin at all.  i feel good happy full.  having too much possibility in my life is not wearing me down right now it is lifting me up.  i feel healthy, i feel alive, i feel brave.  i feel like in so many moments recently i have chosen to take a small risk that means living my life more to the brim and each time it has fed me.  there is chaos.  but amidst it i am finding my practice of being me, of bringing me, of discovering me.

last night as i was reading a steiner lecture (the kingdom of childhood lecture 2) regarding young children i came across this:

But, it is what you are that matters; if you are good this goodness will appear in your gestures; and if you are bad-tempered this also will appear in your gestures – in short, everything that you do yourself passes over into the children and makes its way within them.  This is the essential point.  Children are wholly sense-organ, and react to all the impressions of people around them.  Therefore the essential thing is not to imagine that children can learn what is good or bad, that they can learn this or that, but to know that everything that is done in their presence is transformed in their childish organisms into spirit, soul, and body.

heady stuff.  freeing stuff.  the kind of stuff that makes you say yes to joining the soccer team.  the most important way to teach my children right now is for me to be filled with joy.  to be calm, present and loving.  the most important thing to teach them is how to be happy in life.  and the way to teach that is simple – do it.  be it.  suddenly waldorf isn’t just about wooden toys and turning off the television.  it is another reminder that taking care of yourself and doing your own work is always always the answer.  to be the best parent i can be (to my almost 2 and just 4 year olds) i need to be the best, happiest, most balanced me i can be.

a mountain of possibility.

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friday following

i am still working on the art of following my joy.

to lemon basil water:

to intuiting this weeks herbal tea blend:

(lemongrass, lemon balm, alfalfa, lemon peel, orange peel, rose hips)

to making a straw cup for the bean out of an empty olive jar:

and, of course, finding tiny bits of time to start knitting my first sweater:

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soyala series II: on status updates

welcome to the second installment of the soyala series. if you missed the past posts please feel free to meet soyala, and read soyala series I. if you feel like soyala’s words might help you, you may submit questions in comments or you can email me robinwoowoo at gmail dot com.

the other day i was scrolling through the newsfeed on my facebook page and one status update i read caught my attention. not in a good way. it was one of those cynical, negative, intended to be funny type status updates but to me it just felt like a sad piece of news.

i found myself thinking about this status update several times throughout my day. i wondered if i was being lame and oversensitive. i wondered if i should unfriend people who make these kinds of updates. i wondered why i kept thinking about it. i got to wondering why it is that being cynical has gotten to be so hip. why is it cool to be flip?

then i paused. i thought about how i was feeling.
lonely.
i was feeling lonely in my desire to seek positivity.
and then i thought, maybe everyone feels this loneliness sometimes. maybe the woman with the cynical status update reads my updates and wonders why it is so cool to be new-agey. maybe she feels just as alone in her state of being as i sometimes feel in mine.

that felt like something important to realize.
but there was more i needed to know.

what do i do about the negative status updates of life?

dear sister, first remember that all thoughts you have are energy and all energy is forever. the thoughts you have about things you do not appreciate grow those very things. not just in the universe but in you. in your soul. like seeds taking plant you feed some of yourself to those things which you wish not to be.

in a situation like this it is really quiet simple. if something does not feel right/good/true to you then please see it and let it go. take the image, from meditation, of allowing the boats to travel down river. see, observe, accept as a part of some reality, and then let go. feeling negative is not helpful. not to any one/thing/moment.

allow yourself to be within a barrier of energy (blue egg). you see the world outside of your barrier but you do not let it shape you unless it is something that should be passing through your barrier and into your energy.

don’t worry – the universe will be sure to get any lessons you need in through the egg shell. (HA!) you work on holding the shell and the universe will be sure that the things you must have make their way to you. you won’t miss out in your effort to filter.

but if we always just sit back in the world staying away from that which does not please us then we are not living a life of loving service. so listen here, if you can feel what should be when you see what is then you take hold of that and let it be your energy. if you can be absorbed in the positive action of creating something then you have found a path worth taking.

feel the difference. sometimes you are around something that does not sit with you and all you are thinking is “i do not like this.” in that moment use the river. do not allow your negativity to take over. bring awareness and then let go. hold yourself in your egg. be strong and full of love and be full of the path which is right for you. this does not include judging others. it includes knowing what is YOU and being that which is YOU.

other times you may hear something that does not feel right to you and your reaction is to bring healing or positive change to the moment. you are not filled with the grey clouds of wishing not. you are filled with the coursing light of creating energy. in those moments you may seek the way to create what it is that is right for you.

does this include changing the world?
perhaps it could.
or changing one other person.
or changing one moment for one other person.
it could.
but it does – yes – include the change that takes place within you. that is the boat we are sailing.
send your “i don’t want that” down stream. take your “i do want this” and create your life. your life will feed other life. all thought creates energy and energy is forever.

note: when i am receiving this information from soyala it is much more layered than simply words. there are feelings and a sense of just understanding what she means. she also references things that are familiar to me (ex. the river metaphor and the blue egg). i am doing my best to get it typed out here but it is impossible for me to include each sensation i have. with that said, i am open to discussing any of this further, answering questions, explaining anything that makes sense to me based on everything i get but feels cloudy to others just reading the text. so, don’t hesitate to ask!

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mattering

this morning i walked past our local elementary school and saw some young kids outside on a huge playing field with colored cones set up in rows along both sides. i remembered my friend (with a daughter in kindergarden) mentioning that friday was “field day.” friday was bad weather so i wondered if instead it was today. and then i suddenly had the most vivid memories of field days of my past. days of being outside for the day running, hopping, skipping, and playing games. spending the day in the sun or a light drizzle, drinking water and wearing pennies and occasionally passing through the awkwardness of too long limbs and youthful self-consciousness into the pure joy of moving my body through the world. outside. all day.

it seems like the elementary school age memories that flood back into me with the most ease all happened outside the classroom. i remember the games we played at recess. i remember having gym outside on the grass fields. i remember the once yearly family picnic held in the yard at the center of the c shaped school.

if what i remember the most is being outside; racing, playing tag, four square, climbing and swinging, making up entire lives with our small troll dolls and letting them wade through the waters of melting snow running down the back edge of the hard top — if these are what mattered to me in my hours at school and these are the things that happen less and less in our current public school system…

if if if – it is like a little blip of unansweredness on my screen.

what is the right way to create an education that will matter to my children? what if it isn’t what i had thought it would be? what matters for them?

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goings on

i still exist.

i am reading radical homemakers.

i cast on the start of bean’s sweater.

i’ve been making crazy yummy salads with veggies from our CSA share.

flash’s parents are here staying with us with all the crazy fun off our usual rhythm madness that house guests entail.

sage is good stuff.  put it in pork burgers.  make sage butter to put on ravioli.

coffee is good stuff.  i wonder if i’ll ever kick the habit.

world cup.

a bunny ate my sugar snap peas.  every single plant.  then he came back the next week and ate all my celery.  somehow i feel ok with it.

i am still running.  sometimes i do 2.5 – 3 miles in 25 – 30 minutes.  other times i warm up with a mile or two and then run some sprints.  i feel half mad but i try to tune that out and listen to the little spurts of childlike joy firing in my physical body.

i’ve been thinking more about homeschooling.

i’ve been noticing an easy access to the deep love i have for my children.  you know how this comes and goes?  not the love, but the availability of it?  right now it is just right there for me to sit with and call on each day with each child.  i feel lucky.

the pea just woke up.

you should hear her say, “buenas noches.”  so cute you might roll over and die.

see ya.

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soyala series I: the list

some days i make battle with the ever running lists in my head:

walk the dog.

take beanie to preschool.

get to the grocery store.

buy plants for the whiskey barrels in front.

meet mom to help with horse ride.

plant the veggies in the back.

return library items.

pick up bean from school.

what is for lunch?

wash diapers.

fold laundry.

what is for dinner?

did i make the beds this morning?

did the breakfast dishes get cleaned up before we left the house?

yikes, poop explosion in the car.  pull over, find wipes, change diaper, look for clean clothes in diaper bag, look for a bag to put poopy diaper/pants/dress in..

oh, an iced coffee would be good.

shoot running late for school pick up.

great, the pea is having a massive tantrum and won’t get in her carseat.

i am late for pick up!

we are too late for this tantrum!

try distraction, try brute force, try playfulness, try not to scream myself.

ok fine.  soyala, you say you will speak.  what do you do in these moments?

first, my friend, you need to shift from your head to your heart.  in your head space you are creating energy that makes chaos.  in your heart you will find more stillness.  you will find energy that creates being.

close your eyes.

breathe.

move yourself to your heart place.

breathe.

yes, there you are.  when the list is driving you please answer with this movement first.

now turn your senses back on.  what do you see around you?  what do you hear?  what is touching your skin right now?  what are you feeling in your heart?

don’t run your life from your head.

if you need a list put it on paper.  write things down so that your mind is free from the task of constantly organizing you.

these are truly days of joy.  these are days of boundless love from your young children.  these are days of abundance.  the task list crowds out the joy of each moment.  the task list has you focused on getting done not on being through the doing.  there is no love in getting done.  on a good day i might argue there is NO POINT AT ALL in getting done.  getting done is not a life.

which doesn’t mean you do not do things.  you surely do.  you do go to the market to purchase food to nourish your family with.  you do find the time to plant herbs, to plant tomatoes, to plant flowers in your whiskey barrels.  you create a vibrant land on which to live.  you love that which you plant.

“but it’s not that easy,” you think.  yes.  easy itself is not what you are thinking.  easy is not seamlessly achieving small check marks.  the ease comes from your presence in the task.  the ease comes from within.  and when it is lacking in your energy then you reach out and tap into the divine.  she is always there, loving universe, god, divine light, to feed you the ease.  the ease is the grace of your being, being.  the ease is the breathing, the sensing, the feeling through each moment.

the ease is the moment that he cries out that he is not ready to leave school and so you tuck you list into your pocket and you kneel down and hold his still so terribly small four year old body in your arms.  you just hug him and you don’t ask what is wrong and you don’t ask why not and you don’t think but but but.  you wrap him in the ease of your love and you feel the ease arise within your own energy.  there is nothing to get done.  you are doing life.  in that simple holding.

so you see, you do it.

already.

you just have to allow yourself to continue.

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soyala says

meet soyala

soyala was my cat several years ago. i demanded her from the universe and i received her. i have never been closer to an animal in my entire life of animal loving. i have never learned as much from any one being. she came when i needed her to and she left to make space in my life for other deeply important relationships. but, she never truly left me.

soyala is eternal, wise, divine, and loving.

she has been nudging me lately to change the direction in this space. i am not sure how long the change will last or how pervasive it will be but i think i am done with ignoring her.

soyala says that this place can be a place of teaching and learning. soyala says that my blogging can work as a more spiritual path for me. soyala says, stop worrying and leap.

soyala says she will speak.

this week i will begin the soyala series – writings that come from spirit guides and are meant to be received by anyone who needs them.  i did invite my readers to submit questions or situations they are seeking guidance on if they want to.  feel free to continue that process if it is the right thing for you.

it is monday – the start of a new week.
and it appears to also be the start of something else new.

now i have to see which day i am ready to leap on.

peace love joy
~woowoo mama~

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to look back in there

my mom cleaned out the closet of the room that was “mine” from the ages of fourteen to twenty-something the other day.  oh it certainly was not the first time, perhaps the fortieth since i officially moved out.  she found a small pile of my things still tucked in there and amongst them was a little green notebook.  on the cover i wrote, “the book – the artists way: a spiritual path to higher creativity.”

that pretty much explains what it is.  when i was about eighteen my brilliant therapist presented me with the book (the artists way, by julia cameron) and encouraged me to do it.

i believe that this small green composition book has within it morning pages writings that probably cover several months at least. perhaps there are other written exercises as well. i can’t tell you because i haven’t read it yet.

well, that is not entirely true.
i flipped it open to a random page in the center and read about three sentences. then i closed it back up.

i remember myself at eighteenish. i was full of darkness and self doubt. i was disconnected from the loving universe and from my own powerful ability to love myself. i was lost, depressed, and eager to lean toward self loathing.

i have traveled a long long way from that place. i have healed time and again the wounds and worries that i held dear during those years of my life. i have come to love and embrace not just the present version of myself but also that past one. i was imperfect, i made mistakes, but i was deeply loveable — even though i could hardly begin to see it then.

so the book sits on my desk. unread.

do i want to peel back the layers of time and meet that young woman again?
would it bring healing to hear her innermost thoughts spelled out from my present perspective?
was the book suddenly found so that i could read it?
or
have i come to a place where i know that girl without needing to read?
have i reached the point where i do not, on some level, long for the intensity of feeling i had then and the way depression fueled my creative writing?
was the book found so that i could realize that i do not need to read it?

eventually i will journey on this.
eventually i will ask the spirits what learning this book holds for me and i will trust their direction.
eventually the book will be read, or burned, or recycled, or tucked away in a box somewhere.
eventually.
for today i will gaze at the cover and allow myself the space to sit with things.

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is your television on?

i confess that i allow the bean to sit on the couch and watch television every day while ms. pea takes her nap.

i confess it because i am not sure how i feel about it.  mostly, i wish it wasn’t true.

i know there are many many families out there who allow their children to watch television and feel fine with that decision.  i am not trying to question other people.  i am just trying to look inside my heart and my intuition.

as i began to discover the world of waldorf and read books like simplicity parenting, i time and time again read about the benefit of eliminating screen time.  each time i read the suggestion it felt like a good idea and like a difficult choice to make.  while i let the bean watch tv i get some time on my computer.  i read blogs, i write my blog, i catch up on emails.  we are both in front of our screens.

i think, with some effort, i could get him to a place where he was not watching any television at all.  i mean, i got us to the point where it is only on during pea’s nap and that was fairly simple.  but, i know that in order to do it i would have to walk away from my screen as well – that is where my struggle begins.

my intuition, my mama’s sense, my nagging suspicion is that the bean would be better off with NO screen time.  i think it would be good for him.

i get upset that i have not done it yet.

i feel daunted by the fact that i know flash will not love this idea.

i tell myself that one bob the builder session each day is not going to kill him.

i tell myself that “not kill him” is not what i am going for.

i cringe when i hear him playing out stories in his free play that mimic episodes of bob the builder.

i cringe when he asks me to “turn on a show” and does not want to sit and eat lunch with me.

i love the hour of time to myself in the middle of the day.  time to regroup.  time to think adult thoughts.  time to write and read or cook or fold laundry without interruption.

so i guess i am reaching out for your support.  is your tv on?  are your kids allowed to sit in front of the screen?  do you worry if they do?  do you wish you had the gumption to turn it off for good?  are you screen free?  if you are, how did you get there?  how did your time change when you quit tv?  how did your children change?

talk me up.

talk me down.

talk to me…

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