flow like water

when i was about to give birth to the bean, a supervisor i was working with led a group of us in a breathing, moving mediation in which we connected with each element (earth, air, water, fire) and let that element help us with we were struggling with. the exercise was powerful and i used it to help myself prepare for birth. i asked each element to show me what i needed to learn from it in order to have the natural birth experience i wanted and i listened to the teachings that came forth.  i remember it all but today i want to talk about flowing like water.

you might remember the other day i blithely stated that on monday morning i’d be cleaning my bathrooms. well, now it is monday afternoon and my bathrooms are no cleaner then they were when i wrote that post. i could let that bother me. i could get frustrated that i didn’t get done what i had told myself i could, would, should. i started being upset about it but then i decided not to be. if i can be the kind of mother who can clean the bathrooms with her kids then i can also be the kind of mother who can let go of cleaning the bathrooms if that is not what is going to happen, right?

water flows down stream with direction that is fluid and ever changing. water flows over and around the rocks and stones it encounters. water shape shifts to fit the moment. it keeps moving in the general direction it intends but it does this in an eternally changing manner. water is strong and soft. water can rage and still hold secrets of calm. this morning i asked myself to let go of my plan of cleaning upstairs but not let go of the general direction of taking care of the home and involving the bean and pea in the work. this morning i asked my self to be water like.

we didn’t scrub toilets but we did strip pee’d on bedding off the master bed and start a load of sheets and jammies. we didn’t mop the floor but we carried a piled high basket of clean laundry to our folding area and got about half of it done. the beds upstairs are unmade but the duck fat has been scrubbed out of the sink. we danced to the putamayo christmas cd about three times through. we dumped and reloaded the carton of stuffed animals about eighty times.

we are leaving our home in six days and we will be staying at my parents home in south carolina for six weeks. i haven’t even made a list. i keep telling myself i will start piles, start lists, start packing but i just haven’t done it. i do not want to feel bad about this because it only freezes me up. i want to bring on the water power and find ways to keep flowing in the direction of preparing.

this sounds both quaint and obvious but i will repeat it anyway, mother nature knows everything we need to know to live peacefully and with joy. is there something that water can help you with today? or if not water than perhaps it is air, or fire? find a quiet moment to touch in with a piece of the natural world that speaks to you and let it fill you with what you need. you don’t even need to know what you are asking for you simply have to be ready to receive the wisdom.

me, i’ll be with the water people.  i’ll be practicing my flow.

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on support and playrooms

yesterday i hesitated for a moment before sharing the story about scolding the bean for coughing. clearly it wasn’t a high point in my parenting but also it wasn’t the first time i have done something shameful terrible human like that.  i read a fair number of blogs pretty regularly and i have to confess that one of my main complaints about some of my favorite blogs is how i only hear about the things they are doing right.  some day i would love to see a post pop up on my google reader where they disclosed the moment where their waldorf, gentle discipline, attachment parenting perfect parent self disappeared and they yelled at their child for coughing.  you know?  not that i think i present myself on here as perfect at all.  but, it was that thought that made me just go ahead and share the moment with you all.  and the support that came through in the comments was really nice so i wanted to say thank you.

last night he was up coughing again and again i was tired and not pleased but i kept myself calm and we made it through the hour and half without either of us crying.  phew!  i think that was due in part to feeling less alone.

some of the ikea bins

over the past several months i have been thinking more and more about our toys and play room.  i have already culled through a few times and eliminated some of the obvious stuff (three trash bags full of stuff that went to donation).  yet i still feel like there is way too much stuff in our toy life and toy area.  i want it to be easier for bean to access what he wants, i want to feel better about the clean up system, i want to only have a minimal amount of stuff out, i want to make all of our lives more simple and easier.

in the last week i read two posts that reinvigorated me to do even more culling and work on the playroom situation.  carrie over at the parenting passageway wrote about the importance of “creating your space” in her post on setting up your family for homeschooling success. we are not homeschooling but i do so love carrie’s blog and the way she runs her home often speaks to me. similarly there was a nice post at bluebirdbaby on a waldorf friendly home. we are not a waldorf home but i do like a fair amount of the waldorf idea’s i have read about or been exposed to. i really do think there is a lot to be said for the minimal, natural toys theory.

another view

i am not about to toss anything we have that is not hand carved. i am just more of a pick and chose kind of gal so i need to take what works for me without feeling like i have to totally subscribe to all things waldorf. i do value our more natural toys though.  i think having a play room that was less crowded with dissimilar and cheaply made toys and was more organized around themed area’s and toys that stand the test of time would serve us well. last night as i was laying in bed trying to think of ways to make my days with the kids flow more easily, i thought of the posts i had read and wondered if putting some energy into our toy room situation might be a good place to start. i came up with a mental list of “areas” we could have that felt good to me and also took account of the bean’s main interests.

kitchen/play house/dress up
music/art
cars/trains/vehicles
building

a few other things that they kids enjoy and i do not want to get rid of yet:
some stuffed animals
balls

this afternoon my mothers helper is coming and maybe i can get to work on packing up some of the less popular play things that also do not fit into my “areas.” i will just store them in a bin so they can be rotated back into our playing life as we see fit.

one last look

i’d like to make it so that each of the bins we have (we have some ikea storage units with open bins) holds certain things. i can label the bins so it is easy for the bean to understand and also for flash and i to put things away where they belong. hopefully that will make it that much easier for cleaning up to be a given instead of a struggle. i can’t really blame him – i find the whole room totally insane as well. who knows where anything in it should go?! it is a total mishamash.

what about you readers. do you have play room systems? got any tips to help me on my play room journey? do’s and don’ts? pictures of what is working for you? (or if you want to just come do my playroom for me i am totally open to that!)

peace out yo
woowoo mama

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hello pea

 

a few minutes old chickpea

 

 

 

in april i started a series of posts telling the story of the bean’s birth.  today i interrupt that story line and attempt to tell a short version of the story of chickpea’s birth.  i hope that hearing this story (and many others) will help a fellow blogger i truly admire to have the out of hospital birth that she desires.  here you go greenmamma!

 

chickpea is a relatively agreeable baby and she has been this way since she was in utero.  on saturday july 26th i started having some light squeezing sensations in my lower abdomen during dinner.  they were mild and not at all unpleasant and i hardly noticed them.  while i was nursing the bean to sleep they intensified some and when i came back downstairs after that i told flash they were still going on.  he encouraged me to call my midwife – we were having a planned homebirth this time around.  my mom was the one who was going to take care of bean while i gave birth to chickpea and she happened to be having dinner with us the night of the 26th as my father was out of town.  when i mentioned the mild contractions she said “tonight is not a good night chickpea!”  she had plans she really wanted to attend the next morning.  “how about tomorrow?” she inquired.  

 

i called my midwife around 10:30 that evening and told her the status, mild irregular cramping.  and also, i had noticed a little blood early that morning when using the toilet.  she asked me to lay down for a bit and see what happened.  i told her “tonight is just not a good night to have this baby?”  and explained my mom’s request.  she said she would be there if the baby came but she also had an engagement the following morning so she would also appreciate if chickpea could hold off.  we giggled, asking the baby not to be born yet seemed silly, and hung up.  i got in bed and within thirty minutes the light cramping had stopped and i fell asleep.  

 

so i was not entirely surprised when the same sensation started up again the next evening while i was nursing the bean to sleep.  i came down and told flash and i assured him that i would call the midwife again and also that i would wake him if i needed him and i sent him off to sleep with the bean (that was our current sleeping arrangement).  i called my midwife again and she asked me to lay down for a bit again and i figured it would be the same as the night before.  i did lay down and was able to doze on and off some but the cramping never really went away and slowly it intensified.  i tried timing them at some points and found them to be not all too regular or close together but all the same i had a feeling that chickpea was coming.  i want back and forth between sitting on my bed with my laptop listen to music and reading on the internet, and being down stairs walking around a bt and sitting on my big ball.

 

when i had the bean i had hated the ball so i was surprised to be liking it so much and also figured it was a sign i was still very early in labor.  eventually it reached the point where walking back up the stairs to bed was taking some concentration and i decided i would call my mom and ask her to come over.  she could help me get the bed ready if things continued to progress or she could go back home if they died down.  in retrospect, i was deeply in denial that i was having the baby soon at that point.  i was enjoying being alone and i was able to manage the surges quite nicely and i had just sort of started that birthing drift away from reality.  i called my mom around three in the morning and assured her that she didn’t need to hurry but that i would like her to come over just in case.  i had been touch with my midwife a few times already and so she knew there was a chance she needed to come soon and she lived about twenty minutes away so i was comfortable with not having her there yet.

 

after i called my mom i got off my ball (which i had brought upstairs at that point) to try to walk to the guest room and get the sheets we had set aside for the bed for the birth.  i was thinking i would get them and my mom and i would put them on together.  there was a slight hitch in my plan though, i couldn’t get to the guest room.  when i stood i felt significantly less comfortable and the surges felt a bit more overwhelming.  i liked the feeling of sitting on my ball and feel centered and confident and at ease.  walking to the guest room was out.  the up shot of this discovery was that one little piece of my awareness that was not entirely immersed in birthing was able to speak up and say, “now would be a good time to call the midwife and tell her to come.”

 

i found the phone again and called my midwife.  she told me she would leave her home within an hour and asked if that sounded good.  “no,” i informed her, “i am having this baby soon so you better come now.”  the beans birth had be a relatively quick one so i was anticipating that the pea would be too and i was suddenly aware that things were in fact progressing.  she told me she would be there soon and we hung up.  my mom arrived moments later and between surges i gave her instructions on where to find the birth kit and how to make the bed etc.  she was very relieved to hear that the midwife was coming – i think she was afraid that i was going to have the baby and she would have to catch her.

 

my midwife and her student midwife arrived at my home by four in the morning and began setting up the birthing pool.  i was still sitting on my ball, breathing deeply through surges, and feel calm and confident.  i was loving being in my room, surrounded by women who were here to support my birth, surrounded by my own familiar things and light and artwork.  i remember thinking that things were progressing quickly but that i probably still had plenty of time and i wondered if she was going to be born around the same time as her brother was (he was born at 7:23 am).  my midwife was very calm and quiet, she could see i was content doing my thing and she did her best not to interrupt me. she spoke to me softly between surges when she wanted information and mainly just kept asking me to drink fluids and asking if i wanted anything.  the back up midwife had arrived by this time and all three women plus my mom were in my room with me and in the ajoining bathroom trying to get the hose to work at filling the tub with hot water.  they were also boiling pots of water to hasten the process and lugging them up the stairs to dump in the tub.  god bless them.  i was watching all the goings on between surges, feeling a bit removed but also just loving that there was a bustle of women working quietly around me.

 

do you remember being in your teens and having slumber parties.  i used to love laying there in the dark listening to the others girls whispering while i fell asleep.  it was so comforting being surrounded by the quiet interaction.  that is the closest i can get to describing how i felt about that stage of my birthing.  there was nice quiet active energy and i was a part of it but not needing to interact.  i felt safe and attended too but not called upon to host.

 

around four thirty in the morning the bean woke up asking for me (this was a normal thing and i usually would then go join him to sleep until morning).  my mom went in and told them that i was having the baby and asked bean if he wanted to visit me.  he agreed and he came into the room for a bit.  he was groggy but seemed to understand what was going on and was surprisingly comfortable with major break in routine (i was glad we had read the homebirth book to him a million times).  i held him and hugged him a bit between surges and then he asked my mom if they could go downstairs and play and she agreed.  

 

about ten minutes after five my  midwife asked me if i had emptied my bladder recently and i admitted that it had been awhile.  i didn’t really want to get off my ball and walk to the toilet and i shared this with her.  she tempted me by telling me i could get into the birthing pool after i tried to pee.  hmm, i wavered, flash agreed to help me get there, and i finally agreed.  we went slowly into the bathroom with flash supporting me and when i got to our (very low) toilet i hovered over it and was able to pee.  then suddenly my whole calm, quiet birthing world exploded with a pop as my water broke and i felt like the pea moved down about thirty feet.  

 

when i had the bean i had a moment during which i turned to flash and begged him “help me, help me!” and he had no idea what i was talking about or what help i wanted.  it turned out i was in transition which lasted about ten minutes and then i was through the darkness and into pushing.  

 

when chickpea dropped thirty feet lower as my water broke and i was hovering over the toilet in the bathroom i had that moment where suddenly everything was happening way too fast and i couldn’t process it or handle the massive changes.  i clung to flash desperately asking him to hold me up, and i moaned like the best of them through several rapid surges.  the midwives joined us in the bathroom and asked me if i wanted to get in the pool and assured me that everything was ok but i was having one of those “in over my head” moments and i just couldn’t calm down.  i was partly so overwhelmed because i really wanted to be in my birthing pool and i knew i couldn’t get there.  when the water broke and pea dropped lower i suddenly lost the ability to walk at all.  even with help.  

 

flash quickly decided that holding me up was not going to work out for long and before i knew it i was on my hands and knees on my bathroom floor.  my back up midwife got down low on the floor and put her head near mine.  then she very quietly told me to slow down my breathing when i was between contractions.  i didn’t have a lot of time between contractions so it took me a few tries but eventually i managed to do it and just like that, with slowed breathing, i was able to get a grasp of where i was and what was happening and it was all ok again.  it was intense and inescapable but it was not frightening any more and i suddenly knew, with a burst of enthusiasm, that my baby was going to be born any minute.  my midwives continued to offer to find a way to get me into the birth pool but i was not moving.  it felt impossible to me and i just knew on some level that this birth had taken a turn and would not be going on much longer.

 

within moments my midwife called out, “you are doing great.  i can see almost a quarter inch of hair!”  i silently screamed with shock that she could only see a quarter inch because i truly felt like the pea was about to exit her old quarters and greet the world.  she was.  again my midwife spoke to me, “ok she is right here but you have stretched fully yet so i need to to hold off on pushing or you will tear.  just wait for me it is almost time.”  i listened to her advice and waited through about two more contractions and then she said “ok on the next contraction you can try pushing if you want to.”  two contractions and two pushed later chickpea’s head was out.  i waited until my next contraction (1 minute and 40 seconds later which felt like eternity) before pushing out her body and then i promptly put my head down on the cool bathroom floor and gave myself a minute.  chickpea was born at 5:43 in the morning on the bathroom floor.

 

a fast birth is wonderful in many ways but also difficult in some.  everything is simply happening so fast it is hard to keep up.  mixed in with wanting to celebrate that she was here and i had done it i just had this need to rest for a second and breathe and process.  so i did.  my midwife lovingly held our newborn, our literal new born, and i put my head down and took a few breaths.  and then i pushed up and asked for the chickpea.  they passed her to me between my legs and then slowly helped me up and to my bed where i sat propped up on pillows holding our new baby girl and feeling joyous.  i still had work to do, i had my placenta to birth, and it hung like a question mark in the air because it had been an issue with the bean’s birth, but the greatest gift of my homebirth was that those moments that could have been filled with tension and concern instead were filled with smiles, and hugs, and peace.  they were filled with faith in my body and my body’s ability to birth in the way it needed to and should.  i had the gift of time to figure out what that was for me.

 

my midwives kept an eye on the chord which pulsed for over 30 minutes (the norm is less than 10) and they encouraged me to try pushing when i had a contraction.  i latched chickpea on to see if nursing would help.  i took the homeopathic remedies that had been suggested, and also we waited.  we waited much longer than any hospital would ever have allowed.  i was fine, everything was ok, and we were patient.  finally we decided, as a group, that we would all be happier if we got the placenta birthed and we dedicated ourselves to the cause.  i got up in a squat on the bed again, my midwife prepared to apply traction to the chord, the student midwife held the baby, and i agree to one small dose of pitocin given intramuscularly by the back up midwife to help my body have a stronger contraction. 

 

that was all it took.  my placenta was born on the next contraction with some help from my midwife and then we all celebrated.  it was almost as joyous as birthing the baby!

 

i lay down in bed snuggled up with our new baby and my husband went downstairs and cooked up eggs for everyone.  we ate, drank tea and coffee, shared smiles and cooing time with the new baby, and relaxed.  i was not elated or over the moon or jacked up or anything like that i was something much much better, content.  i was comfortable beyond my wildest dreams, i felt better than i could have imagined, i was exhausted and i was content.  a mama in her nest.  and i couldn’t have agreed more with what flash told me in our first quiet moment alone together, “having a homebirth was the best decision you have ever made.”

 

before she left my midwife asked me, “so how was your birth?  how do you feel like it was for you?  did you love it?”  i was quiet for a minute and then, “well, i don’t want to do it again tomorrow or anything but it was everything i had hoped it would be.  thank you.”

 

now here i am not quite eleven months later and i have to tell you, remembering it all so i can share it with some one who will be on her own birth journey soon makes me take back my words.  i would do it again tomorrow.  if the universe so desired, i would.  

 

ok, how sad is it that i said i was writing a short version!  i am terrible.  sorry.  hope you waded through the entire thing jessica and you know you (or anyone else) can ask any questions you want!  meanwhile i’ll be wishing you the best and just knowing with all my heart that you are going to have exactly the birth that is right for you and your baby boy.  

 

beanie, mama, and bundled pea on her birth day

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i want more woowoo

i have been thinking some about my own spirituality and wanting for a more regular looking “practice” in my life. there have been times when my guides have called for me to show the discipline to journey every day, or to practice some prayer every day. there have also been times when i have drifted to journeying only once a month or so and when i arrive and hang my head shamefully i am reminded that time and space do not exist and once a month could be every second for all the spirits care. their love and teaching do not cease to carry me even if i journey less often.

 

so all that is to say that i have had daily practice and no defined practice both and i find it all to be well and good and even supported. but lately i think a little focus might be a good thing for me. an element missing from my life that might help me stay centered and located where i want to be.

 

i am not sure what my practice should focus on so i am going to take a moment here to set my intention and see if a little communicating can clear things up for me. intention is sort of the fuel that runs the universe.  knowing, defining, and stating your intention is the key to life – in my most humble opinion. best to start there.

 

my intention is to bring a focus on my own spirituality back into my daily or weekly life so that i stay better in touch with my true self. i want to live as my true self, parent as my true self, interact with friends and family as my true self, be in my daily world as my true self, and take care of my house and land from my true self and heart.

 

 

the feeling you are looking for is a focusing in and a sense of balance. the key here is not to do more “woowoo” work for others but to spend a certain amount of time focusing and centering your self. moments of meditation would be helpful to you. this can be done with the children present and active as long as you are outdoors. the meditation can be a connecting fully with the present moment, observing the land and your children and the animals and the season, noticing thoughts that arise or judgments and then sending them downstream. you do not need silence and you do not need to envision this as a traditional meditation.

please also return to breath awareness throughout the day. your computer does not breath. you know? you do. find time to connect with your breath and with your natural breathing rhythms. notice. greet. enjoy. enjoy is the most important.

 

the work you are doing on planting and gardening is a part of your practice right now so be aware of that. dirt, seeds, plants, creation, care, attention, all these things are working for you right now to help you to get in touch with your true self. an intention to use the gardening as a form of practice will help you to get even more balance out of the time spent.

 

with that, please start working with the spirits of your land. yes, the land you live on was not nourished and loved for a long time and the spirits moved elsewhere. but they would be happy to return to you all you need to do is invite them and show them how serious you are about being a steward of their land. call out to them. ask them to come live with the peas, with your sage, in the grasses and leaves. as they settle into the land around your home, the land your home rests on, they will also fill your home itself with just the kind of energy you are seeking and thinking about.

 

yes, you are correct that the energy in your home and on your land is out of balance and that the area needs some love. you are able to love, the children by their nature love, your husband with his care taking shows love. now simply make your intention more clear. louder. call out to the spirits and welcome them home and ask them to help you care for the home and ask them what they would like their home to be like. listen when they speak. seek their counsel in your gardening.

 

and finally be grateful for your blessings. to have a home. to have land. a family to work on and with. love bountiful in your life. time each day to give thanks would center your heart and bring it into right vibrations.

 

as always, we are here with you. if you feel pulled off course simply ask for help to feel right again. rest in our loving embrace where you are whole and strong and bursting with white light from within. that is the truth. the one truth, of course, is love.

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working with fear

i want to get organized but trying to get organized makes me a little crazy. i spend a lot of time coming up with ideas and looking for the right way to do things and not enough time just trying to get things done. and then i am right where i started.

what i want to be is a fantastic mama, wife, daughter, and friend. a person who does enough woowoo to keep herself and her people happy and healthy. and a person who does a little bit of meaningful work on her blog. and also someone who has a clean, calm, balanced house.

i am not very naturally good at the last part. i let things slip. i let things slid. i get overwhelmed. i get nothing done. things get worse. i get used to the mess. i hide inside and don’t look around so i don’t see it. i feel stressed out. i don’t know where to start.

on mama day our cleaning help came to the house for the first time in almost a month. it made such a huge difference and it inspired me to just get my butt in gear again. baby steps, baby steps. just trying to unfreeze here.

so, with a little inspiration from simple mom and her home management book series i am trying. i am trying to get started again. and to do it in a way that i can stick with.

meanwhile i have been thinking some about this blog. i feel like it is all over the place and maybe that is ok or maybe a little focus or discipline would help me. i do like talking about food, and parenting, and my life, and woowoo. but would it be more useful to me to focus? or would it be more useful to anyone else who stops by?

sometimes i look at the “blog stats” and i see 48 (!) people came to the blog that day and i wonder about them. who are the 48 people? did they read? was anything helpful? was there anything they could relate to?

i think though that to stay on the path i should think about what is the right work for me. i think maybe just having a place to get all the chattering out of my head and onto the “page” is a good exercise in sanity for me. a person who lives too much in her head. be quiet now thinking self. you got all your time in on the blog. anyone know what i mean?

it would be nice if i could figure out how to use fear to help me instead of paralyze me. fear, yes, i think fear works. because as insane as this sounds i feel fear when i get behind on my housework. when i am failing as the house manager. and, i have to tell you, as a hard core feminist just writing that last sentence filled me with shame. i mean, i am afraid because i am failing as a house manager? who am i?

but that is fodder for another day. now i want to focus on working with the fear. maybe i should talk to my afraid self.

hello afraid self.  can we communicate for a moment?

yes.  hello.

ok, this is a good start.  i am trying to think of what we need to talk about.  do you have any helpful advise for me at this point in my life?  or is that too vague?

we can talk about why the freeze.  why the lack of movement.

yes, i would like to use the fear as energy to move.  to transform it.  but instead i fall into my rabbit self and i don’t move at all.

the first thing you need to do is forgive your rabbit self.  don’t be angry with yourself for your tendency to freeze.  it is a human reaction.  you are human.  when you get frustrated with the freezing you just draw more energy into freezing.  be open to the freeze.  embrace the freeze.  say thank you for a moment to hold still and take it all in.  then say hello to the fear.  hello fear.  what can i learn from you?  what can i turn you into?  how can you help me through this?  how can you help me in this role?  

you might come to see that the fear is not an enemy.  is not a shameful trait to hide under the carpet (or under the pile of toys that is obscuring the carpet).  maybe the fear is a natural reaction for you.  you can ask the fear to turn into energy to do.  you can ask the fear to transform into discipline.  you can ask the fear to work as a beacon that will show you where to work.  the fear is powerful for you so you need to transform the power so that it works for you and not against you.  it is right there in your hands and your ability.  bring your true self, your woowoo self, to the house manager job.  

the work can be woowoo if you ask for it to be.  it can be meditation.  it can bring peace.  it doesn’t have to be just drudgery and dreaded tasks and shame.  ask for the divine to come with you in this work and infuse the work with meaning for you.  ask that through the work your self and your family and your home are blessed with peace and love.  ask for what ever you dream of.  ask your fear to lead you to direct contact with the divine.  ask for your work to be prayer and blessings.  transform your own understanding.

thank you fear me.

 

well, wow, that shut me up.

i am off to transform fear, the baby is up…

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caution

most woowoo comes with a warning.  when i learned how to communicate telepathically with animals the woman who was leading the workshop gave us a “code of ethics” to follow (when i taught i did the same).  when i was learning how journey i was given several such warnings about using these practices in a smart ways – ways that fit into your life in reality.  i remember distinctly when sandra ingerman said during a workshop “don’t drive and journey.” obviously, if you are doing something that requires all your attention in the here and now you shouldn’t be leaving your body and heading elsewhere.

recently it could be said that i have been trying to drive and journey. i kept a loose eye on the here and now and i traveled into the world of my computer, the internet, people i have never met in reality, with increasing frequency. and my driving got to be pretty bad. a loose eye does not make for good driving.

i am deeply embarrassed by it all. really, i should know better. i am a smart girl with a good head on my shoulders plus the help of all kind of seen and unseen friends. but i don’t feel very smart or good at anything right about now.

in the most difficult moments i call out to my spirits and i just ask for them to sit with me. in the fog, and pain and darkness, please don’t make me be all alone. please let me feel like i have some company. they always answer. they sit with me. and if i can focus outwardly enough i can sense that they love me and respect me and accept me just as i am – flawed, broken, breaking, senseless, damaged, lost, learning, a work in progress. those few seconds of relief can get me up off my bottom and back to the laundry folding, or the vacuuming, or to bouncing my very very very crabby sick baby.

and then next time i feel bad i eat a chocolate chip cookie. somehow, between the spirits and the cookies i am hoping to find some moments of okayness.

meanwhile, if anyone out there is listening please let me remind you not to journey while you drive. don’t float off into other worlds when you life is in this one. strike a healthy balance. follow a code of ethics. try not to get yourself into any nasty messes.

if you find yourself feeling lost and terrible call out to your guides and they will hold your hand and walk through the darkness with you. god bless them.

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14. mind numb

cough cough
coffee up my nose
no no no no no.

home
excited kids
dirty rugs
no sleep.

cloth dipes!
cloth wipes!
eva, pfau, and cassis waves!

diapers to fold
fridge to scour
shopping to do
what is for lunch?

quick, hide on the internet!
no one will find you here.
you can wear your pj’s.
no one knows your teeth are not brushed at 10:22.
no one knows you turned the tv on so bean would stay quiet.
no one else is here to see the mess your life is.
you don’t have to get anything done.

make more coffee.
pull up your socks woman.
stop your ranting.
be. do. something.

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