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Posts Tagged ‘gym’

saturday

i really did not want to go to the gym today. despite my efforts at healing myself and my taking my vitamins and some special immune support extra’s i am still contending with my rash. it has been awhile since i first got it and i am feeling a little frustrated with the situation. on top of just wishing i was less itchy i have this thing about how terrible it looks. so, i really did not want to don exercise clothing and go show my big ol’ ugly red rash to the world. but flash insisted that working out would be good for me and if i wore a regular t-shirt it wasn’t too noticeable.

so i sucked up my insecurity, got dressed, and went to my favorite saturday class. i approached the instructor at the start of class and explained that i was not contagious, and that if i left it was just because i was hot and itchy and i took my place.

like magic i left the class feeling like an entirely different person. i came home and declared flash a genius. then i spent a few minutes outside with the pea before her nap. she is awfully cute these days, and silly, and stubborn, and all things sixteen months. sometimes i am at my wits end with her screaming and carrying on and other times i want to literally eat her alive i love her so much. isn’t parenting funny like that? i grabbed my camera and captured some of her fun.

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i will let you in on a little secret. most mornings the kids are up early and flash gathers them up into their joyous little bundles of wakefulness and takes them downstairs to sleep while i stay in bed, stretch out in whatever direction i want, and sleep alone for a bit. ahhhhhhhhh. (in my defense i have historically handled about 98.7% of the nighttime parenting so this morning lie in is just the way our system works here.)

now remember not to long ago i joined the gym? well, i have found this sunday morning cardio class that i have taken to attending. the class is at 8 in the morning and i am no good without some food, coffee and water before i attend so it means i need to be up early. handily, my kids tend to wake up at that time. so, a little routine has developed in which i am the one who bundles their wakefulness down stairs on sundays and flash has the option of sleeping late(r). i have my breakfast, coffee, and water and then i submit myself up to eve so she can find ways to demolish me.

seriously, this class kicks my – um, bum(?) hardcore. the first time i went i was fairly sure i was going to die about fifteen minutes into it but i keep going back. you know what is crazy? even though my working out is way less consistent than i would like this sunday morning class is getting slightly more manageable. i still want to die at some point but it tends to be a little later on than the fifteen minute mark and a new thing has started to happen — the endorphin rush that comes from a seriously good cardio workout.

i wait patiently for it to come. i know, during the “uh oh i am dying” moment that if i keep at it the next thing will be the calm lift into “i feel good. i am strong.” well you know, if you have felt this (also sometimes called runner’s high) that it is good stuff and words are not doing it justice.

so i get up early, i go the gym, i push myself to my limit, i survive and i come home to listen to flash tease me about my red face.

the strangest thing is happening. this little routine that started out for me as some kind of self induced torture is becoming my favorite day of the week. it is not getting easy by any stretch of my imagination but darn if i haven’t come to feel my best on sundays.

hold on a second, i think even on sunday i might be having fun. sneaky sneaky universe.

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the gym

the voices come trickling back into my life.  when i was younger and my world was so much darker the voices were always there filling up my mind and my days.  as i grew up, and found my self, and my path, i learned that the voices were just insecurities and not me.  that i am so much more then self doubt.

but as my life is little strained now, i find the pitter patter of those voices dropping back into my silent moments.  slippery little voices, sliding into the space that was filled with quiet warmth or love.  ah, hello voices.  i said one night when they were keeping me awake.  i am tired please be quiet so i can sleep.

now i have to remind myself.  i am not my thinking self.  i am not my thinking self.  i am not my thinking self.  oh yeah, so what am i?  you are this right here.  (heart focus.)  yes, there i am.

i decided that if i can try to get some exercise it would be good for me.  mental health, i think, mental health.  my plan is to try to join the gym and go to the exercise classes while the bean is at preschool.  on monday i drove there with both my kids and asked if i could have a trial period.  i need the trial to see if i really have the will power to make myself go.  if chickpea can hang tough in the child care center there.  if i enjoy the classes at all.

on tuesday i tried it all out.  all the voices were trying to convince me not to go.  that i would feel stupid in the class since i am so out of shape.  that i look to fat in my workout clothes.  that i am just not a gym kind of person and everyone there will know that and i will be an outsider and no one will like me and i will fail.  fail at what?  doesn’t matter.  slippery voices.

i went.  i stood in the back.  i followed the instructor and i looked at the women all around me moving and kicking and punching the air and raising their knees and their heart rate.  not a single one was judging me.  no one pointed or laughed.  some smiled.  i was tired but i stuck with it.  i felt the voices trying to one up me when i glanced in the mirror and saw my red hot face, when fatigue started kicking in, but i said, shush up now voices.  i am not my thinking self.  i am this here.  this heart.  this thudding pounding breaking beating working over-time strong proud beautiful heart.  me.

i settled in to my true self and set my awareness the way i did when i was shredding with intention and i let the sweat pull all the toxins out of me.

and then, there was the woman from the childcare waving at me.  so i grabbed my water bottle and strode out of the class fifteen minutes early.  i walked to the room and grabbed my baby who was missing her mama.  i thanked the woman for getting me right away as i had requested.  i hugged my baby girl tight and i sniffed in her sweet sweet baby girl smell and i loved on her perfect heft and weight and the way she lays her head on my shoulder and hugs me back.

i considered feeling guilty that i had left her there at all.  but i decided to check in with my real self.  she said, baby pea is fine.  she needed you and you went to her.  so i let the guilt go and the strangest thing happened.  i felt good.  tired, thirsty, smelly, good.  maybe i am a gym kind of person after all.  maybe i can sweat those slippery voices right out of business.  maybe my heart likes hard work.

the trial lasts a week.  i’ll let you know if i join.

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