the voices come trickling back into my life. when i was younger and my world was so much darker the voices were always there filling up my mind and my days. as i grew up, and found my self, and my path, i learned that the voices were just insecurities and not me. that i am so much more then self doubt.
but as my life is little strained now, i find the pitter patter of those voices dropping back into my silent moments. slippery little voices, sliding into the space that was filled with quiet warmth or love. ah, hello voices. i said one night when they were keeping me awake. i am tired please be quiet so i can sleep.
now i have to remind myself. i am not my thinking self. i am not my thinking self. i am not my thinking self. oh yeah, so what am i? you are this right here. (heart focus.) yes, there i am.
i decided that if i can try to get some exercise it would be good for me. mental health, i think, mental health. my plan is to try to join the gym and go to the exercise classes while the bean is at preschool. on monday i drove there with both my kids and asked if i could have a trial period. i need the trial to see if i really have the will power to make myself go. if chickpea can hang tough in the child care center there. if i enjoy the classes at all.
on tuesday i tried it all out. all the voices were trying to convince me not to go. that i would feel stupid in the class since i am so out of shape. that i look to fat in my workout clothes. that i am just not a gym kind of person and everyone there will know that and i will be an outsider and no one will like me and i will fail. fail at what? doesn’t matter. slippery voices.
i went. i stood in the back. i followed the instructor and i looked at the women all around me moving and kicking and punching the air and raising their knees and their heart rate. not a single one was judging me. no one pointed or laughed. some smiled. i was tired but i stuck with it. i felt the voices trying to one up me when i glanced in the mirror and saw my red hot face, when fatigue started kicking in, but i said, shush up now voices. i am not my thinking self. i am this here. this heart. this thudding pounding breaking beating working over-time strong proud beautiful heart. me.
i settled in to my true self and set my awareness the way i did when i was shredding with intention and i let the sweat pull all the toxins out of me.
and then, there was the woman from the childcare waving at me. so i grabbed my water bottle and strode out of the class fifteen minutes early. i walked to the room and grabbed my baby who was missing her mama. i thanked the woman for getting me right away as i had requested. i hugged my baby girl tight and i sniffed in her sweet sweet baby girl smell and i loved on her perfect heft and weight and the way she lays her head on my shoulder and hugs me back.
i considered feeling guilty that i had left her there at all. but i decided to check in with my real self. she said, baby pea is fine. she needed you and you went to her. so i let the guilt go and the strangest thing happened. i felt good. tired, thirsty, smelly, good. maybe i am a gym kind of person after all. maybe i can sweat those slippery voices right out of business. maybe my heart likes hard work.
the trial lasts a week. i’ll let you know if i join.
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