the pea’s belly still curves away from her body in a satisfying bulge of kissable tummy – like a proper toddler shape – although in all other ways she seems so growing up. the other day as i was getting her undressed for a lavender bath i leaned over and kissed it, kiss kiss kiss. once i had begun to kiss the expanse of little girl skin i couldn’t stop. i was loving her and her big belly so much. she was giggling and pushing at me with a huge grin on her face – enjoying some end of day love. as i lifted her into the bath i suddenly wondered what it would be like if i could love my own belly – in its imperfect oversized softness – as much as i love hers. or even just a fraction as much. i wondered how much my life would change if i could just bring love to my body which works so hard for me each day instead of constantly judging it as lesser than some other body that some other woman might have.
a few days ago i was driving home from a quick trip to the grocery store feeling incredibly happy. i had decided on the spur of the moment to zip to the store and get a few things we wanted even though i didn’t have a big shop organized. the bean stayed home with flash putting up some outdoor holiday lights and the pea and i went to the store. we cruised once around the perimeter of the store grabbing apples, grapes, lettuce and some fancy cheese as a treat. there was no line and we hadn’t spent too terribly much. on the drive home the fading afternoon light was nice and i was feeling good. so good. it was kind of inexplicable and i got to thinking about it. i was feeling good about feeling good. i was thinking about how nice it was to feel so happy and right just unconditionally not based on any specific experience.
drive drive, nice light, kid riding his bike, the pea singing herself a little song, cheese in my grocery bag — wait! cheese in my grocery bag. who am i to be buying more cheese? that means i’ll be eating cheese! i have eaten too much rich food in the last few days and i am going to get fat from all of it! i shouldn’t have bought that cheese.
the thoughts just kind of jumped into action and somehow i was able to observe them as them tumbled through in a dedicated attempt at self sabotage. then i wondered, why can’t i just allow myself to feel good. somehow, as soon as i notice i am feeling good my thoughts land upon something i could potentially feel bad about instead.
i don’t want to feel bad about the cheese. i want to just enjoy feeling good. i try.
there is so much to get done these days it seems near impossible to find time to write while also honoring the other choices i have made in my life. getting enough exercise, homeschooling, being an assistant at our kindy coop two days a week, not using media for the kids, spending time reading for myself. i miss the writing but the time for the practice of it seems to have slipped down my internal list of what matters and days and weeks pass without me taking a moment to type anything out. i struggle with finding a balance all the time. what deserves time? what do i dedicate myself to? what is the healthiest and best for myself, for my kids, for my family?
i also just fall into a rhythm and that rhythm seems to shift through the months and years that pass. sometimes i am knitting a lot, sometimes i am writing a lot, sometimes i am reading a lot, sometimes i am working with a lot of clients, sometimes i am doing a lot of spiritual self study, sometimes i am watching a lot of junkie television in the evenings, sometimes i am baking my own bread.
i am sure there are all kinds of thoughts forming about the ways in which that is not ok. if i give them the space and attention they will shape up right now and spill from my mind right into my finger tips. they will be written. i don’t want to though. i want to sip my baby kale, grape, carrot, cucumber, chia seed, blueberry juice and feel alright. i want to accept things are beautiful as they are. i want to kiss big bellies.
i have been reading (the second edition of) MAP by machaelle small wright over the last few days. i had read another book of hers over 10 years ago and i think i enjoyed it at the time but i wasn’t hooked. i started using some of her flower essences about 2 years ago and found i liked her products very much. i have slowly moved more and more in the direction of using her essences and balancing solutions to assist us in our general health. then suddenly on saturday morning i got my hands on the book (borrowed from a friend) and it was like the timing was perfect. i have cruised through reading and started my own personal MAP program. i am certain that now is the time for me to do this and that earlier it just wouldn’t have been right. i feel like this is one of those moments where you just sense the universe aligning for you to make sure you get information you need for your life right exactly when you will see it for what it is.
i sense that i am changing again. energetic shifts blowing through my system and helping me come closer to what i am meant to be. i could turn my thoughts loose on it all and toss about sarcastic self depreciation and doubt. that will always be possible for me though. right now i’ll not.