november 29, 2011

the pea’s belly still curves away from her body in a satisfying bulge of kissable tummy – like a proper toddler shape – although in all other ways she seems so growing up.  the other day as i was getting her undressed for a lavender bath i leaned over and kissed it, kiss kiss kiss.  once i had begun to kiss the expanse of little girl skin i couldn’t stop.  i was loving her and her big belly so much.  she was giggling and pushing at me with a huge grin on her face – enjoying some end of day love.  as i lifted her into the bath i suddenly wondered what it would be like if i could love my own belly – in its imperfect oversized softness – as much as i love hers.  or even just a fraction as much.  i wondered how much my life would change if i could just bring love to my body which works so hard for me each day instead of constantly judging it as lesser than some other body that some other woman might have.

a few days ago i was driving home from a quick trip to the grocery store feeling incredibly happy.  i had decided on the spur of the moment to zip to the store and get a few things we wanted even though i didn’t have a big shop organized.  the bean stayed home with flash putting up some outdoor holiday lights and the pea and i went to the store.  we cruised once around the perimeter of the store grabbing apples, grapes, lettuce and some fancy cheese as a treat.  there was no line and we hadn’t spent too terribly much.  on the drive home the fading afternoon light was nice and i was feeling good.  so good.  it was kind of inexplicable and i got to thinking about it.  i was feeling good about feeling good.  i was thinking about how nice it was to feel so happy and right just unconditionally not based on any specific experience.

drive drive, nice light, kid riding his bike, the pea singing herself a little song, cheese in my grocery bag — wait!  cheese in my grocery bag.  who am i to be buying more cheese?  that means i’ll be eating cheese!  i have eaten too much rich food in the last few days and i am going to get fat from all of it!  i shouldn’t have bought that cheese.  

the thoughts just kind of jumped into action and somehow i was able to observe them as them tumbled through in a dedicated attempt at self sabotage.  then i wondered, why can’t i just allow myself to feel good.  somehow, as soon as i notice i am feeling good my thoughts land upon something i could potentially feel bad about instead.

i don’t want to feel bad about the cheese.  i want to just enjoy feeling good.  i try.

there is so much to get done these days it seems near impossible to find time to write while also honoring the other choices i have made in my life.  getting enough exercise, homeschooling, being an assistant at our kindy coop two days a week, not using media for the kids, spending time reading for myself.  i miss the writing but the time for the practice of it seems to have slipped down my internal list of what matters and days and weeks pass without me taking a moment to type anything out.  i struggle with finding a balance all the time.  what deserves time?  what do i dedicate myself to?  what is the healthiest and best for myself, for my kids, for my family?

i also just fall into a rhythm and that rhythm seems to shift through the months and years that pass.  sometimes i am knitting a lot, sometimes i am writing a lot, sometimes i am reading a lot, sometimes i am working with a lot of clients, sometimes i am doing a lot of spiritual self study, sometimes i am watching a lot of junkie television in the evenings, sometimes i am baking my own bread.

i am sure there are all kinds of thoughts forming about the ways in which that is not ok.  if i give them the space and attention they will shape up right now and spill from my mind right into my finger tips.  they will be written.  i don’t want to though.  i want to sip my baby kale, grape, carrot, cucumber, chia seed, blueberry juice and feel alright.  i want to accept things are beautiful as they are.  i want to kiss big bellies.

i have been reading (the second edition of) MAP by machaelle small wright over the last few days.  i had read another book of hers over 10 years ago and i think i enjoyed it at the time but i wasn’t hooked.  i started using some of her flower essences about 2 years ago and found i liked her products very much.  i have slowly moved more and more in the direction of using her essences and balancing solutions to assist us in our general health.  then suddenly on saturday morning i got my hands on the book (borrowed from a friend) and it was like the timing was perfect.  i have cruised through reading and started my own personal MAP program.  i am certain that now is the time for me to do this and that earlier it just wouldn’t have been right.  i feel like this is one of those moments where you just sense the universe aligning for you to make sure you get information you need for your life right exactly when you will see it for what it is.

i sense that i am changing again.  energetic shifts blowing through my system and helping me come closer to what i am meant to be.  i could turn my thoughts loose on it all and toss about sarcastic self depreciation and doubt.  that will always be possible for me though.  right now i’ll not.

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novemeber 8th

back when i started this blog i challenged myself to write every day.

every.  day.

can you even imagine?

i actually did it for awhile too.  maybe for even year.  honestly if you look back there are a lot of posts on here…

 

recently though everything just kind of drifted in other directions and although i am still alive, still struggling, still parenting, still cooking – i just don’t post very often.

 

i still write things in my head though.  i compose the beginnings of posts.  i think of a few choice sentences here and there.  then they sit in there like lonely friends – banging into each other and repeating themselves in loops hoping for a chance to hit paper, to be pressed through the dirty keys of my now old laptop onto the perhaps even filthier screen.

 

the other day on the way to get my hair cut i stopped to let a flock of wild turkey’s cross the road.  there were round about thirty of them and they crossed in fits and starts.  five ran across blustery and hurried while the rest were still pecking about the lawn.  then four more, slowly walking across looking at the cars waiting and bobbing their heads in time to their own feet hitting the pavement.  the car coming from the opposite direction and i both waited patiently.

there were times when the next group of turkeys hesitated long enough that we could have depressed our gas pedals and hurried on to where we needed to be but neither of us did.  as the minutes dragged out it felt like we had come to an unspoken agreement that for this brief moment in time nature was going to take center stage over human’s and our overly important jam packed lives.  we sat in our cars and let each turkey cross.  the final one hesitating the longest before looking up and realizing he was alone and then running to catch up.

 

then at last we drove on.  it turned out it was a woman in the other car as well.  we smiled at each other and got back to getting to where we were going.  i was touched though, i felt less alone, i felt hopeful about nothing in particular.  it seemed like an ordinary moment in a basically ordinary day could hold the potential to be — just better.  not spectacular or life bending – just kind of nice.  that a silent respect for a gaggle of wild turkeys could shine small bits of light into my consciousness.

 

the bean is five and half now.  it turns out that five and a half to six is an age of “disequilibrium.”  it is shocking how different it feels to parent him.  after a blissful time of him being amazing, balanced, calm, loving, and agreeable.  now he storms at me for what feels like nothing, chants “no no no no” as he stomps around and then later screams out, “mama come to me i am scared!”

it hasn’t been pretty.

i haven’t been very proud of myself at times.  i’d say the first five days or so i resorted to out and out crabbiness followed by a glass of wine.

but slowly i am learning that when he changes i need to change.  my expectations must shift.  i need somehow to bring more stillness and more softness while being solid and present.  i am working on the actual practice of holding him in the light, on being visionary, on seeing through what he is displaying into what he is.  he is a beautiful beautiful child with a sensitive heart and soul.  when he feels bad he truly feels awful and instead of letting my own vision go dark around him i need to pull strongly out of that and see him strong, calm, smiling, filled with joy.  sometimes i find a quiet spot to sit while he has his tantrum (the toilet, the front steps) and i cover my ears and breathe drishdi breath so that all i can hear is myself.  all i can hear is the rolling in and out of my own breathing.  then i return – more able to be with him without my own demons rising up and twisting my sense of what needs to be done in response.

 

by the end of the day i am exhausted.  i am praying all the time that we can get through this phase with relative speed.  i doubt my ability to match it for six months.

 

this morning i wanted thanksgiving blend coffee and sumatra is what was in the grinder.  normally i would have been a good girl and just continued to use the sumatra until it was gone but i am working on letting my own desires lead me so instead i pulled off the top of the grinder and dumped the beans back into the sumatra bag.  i opened the thanksgiving blend and ground it up and made my coffee.  because, you know, a starving person has a very hard time sharing food.  but a person with plenty to eat can happily pass the dishes around.

 

baby steps here.

always.

 

peace love and joy to anyone who still stops by this driftingly quiet place…

mama de woowoo

 

 

 

 

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