sometimes i feel that growing up is like the difference between participating in a yoga class for an hour versus living my yoga practice all day. have i lost you yet? i mean, sometimes i feel as though the more i attempt to grow into who i am the harder i work to sustain being who i want to be at all times. instead of checking out for chunks of time or setting aside an hour here or there to work on my “self” or my “spiritual path” i am constantly in motion, living life, wiping poopy bottoms and feeding little mouths, picking up toys, rewinding the yarn, vacuuming, making the bed, moving the laundry to the dryer, prepping dinner, sweeping up spilled snacks, nursing, feeding the dog, pulling ticks off the cats, calling the oil company, mailing in rebates, cutting up bacon quesadilla’s just so, pouring rice milks and filling water bottles, holding up the stairs and hugging through the tears and kissing away bangs, drawing up a bath and reading stories and rocking to sleep and then trying to get up early to go work out.
amidst this our cat ivan went missing. i was worried, then hopeful, then more worrying and guilt and this morning, when he was still not waiting at the front door, i began to look for acceptance. i know he is not upset with me or blaming me for whatever misfortune has taken him from us but i struggle not to blame myself. i know he is fine where he is but i struggle not to feel guilty that somehow i lost him, i let him down, he has passed out of our lives on my watch. i miss him. his giant cat feet making painful muffins on my legs at night when i watch tv after the kids go to sleep. his strange meow that always came out loud and part broken with a lot of r’s. “reee – rooooow.” the way he wanted to be fed four times a day. his willingness to train, play with, and sleep near castle james. his willingness to defer to sofia at all times. his love of the garage attic.
i took a few moments the other day to put away some of our standard decorations and set out a bit of fall flavor. a small collection of pumpkins from our own garden and a few local farms as well as some leaves we have gathered, or painted, and a few pinecones that the flower fairies left for the kids the other day. shifting the interior of the home quieted me some.
i keep up with the days work. i clean the dishes and make some lunch and refill drinks. i look at my favorite pumpkin and take a deep breath. i know, from experience, that it gets easier. i allow myself the day to feel sad and say good bye in the little moments that i can. the breathing between wiping, cleaning, serving, petting, dressing, changing, feeding, parenting and going going going. i let my heart hurt a little bit. i don’t have an hour to set aside for mourning so i bring it into my full day practice. letting go. breathing through it. finding my way to ok. saying goodbye to a friend. while living life.
all imperfect and guilt ridden.
exactly who i am meant to be today.