several months ago we gave the bean our old point and shoot digital camera to use as his own. he has been busily photographing his life and i just the other day got around to uploading his images. i think he has a future as a photographic artist. i will be sharing some of my favorite of his images in a string of blog posts so as not to weigh things down. hope you enjoy as much as i have:
Archive for September, 2010
i love you now please shut up.
something about the last few weeks has kicked my ego up into a frenzy. the other day on the phone i told wotw, “i can think myself in circles right now. all the way around the end and back to where i started.” it is not an unfamiliar space for me to be. heady and in my own way. angsty and wrought with words spinning around in the prison cell of my mind. shush shush i want to say but i am too busy thinking. thinking thinking thinking my way around a riddle that i know has no one single answer, i know that, but yet i keep thinking around it and around it. spinning myself up and away.
maybe this is where the depression came from when i was younger? i am not certain. but if you believe that everyone has a sort of “most intense tragedy” life trajectory they could head down (homelessness, obesity, or whathaveyou) then mine is surely insanity. it is the overtaking of the thinking self. it is my ego driving the train.
this morning i took a quiet moment to myself in the moments before i was going to work with a client. i asked the universe what i needed to do to be ready to work with her and it came back at me as though the answer has been wrapped around me waiting to be noticed for days.
get out of your way.
quiet your defenses.
tell your ego to settle down.
oh my bad bad ego, i started with, but since i was in my connected place i knew immediately that was not the path. oh ego, i realized, i love you. you give me strength and courage. you help me to be able to walk my own path when it does not fit with the main path. you help me to stubbornly discover my convictions and attempt to implement them. you are able to move about so quickly and you are brilliant in the scope of thoughts you can weave together. i do love you, i do. sometimes i love you so much i let you drive the train. and though i need you in your seat, here beside me whispering in my ear with your steely delight i also need you to pipe down just a bit.
dear ego i love you and i am so much more than you. i am an oasis as well, and inner peace, and intuition and heart energy. we can hold hands and walk together on my path, we can, but you simply can’t do all the talking.
with a sigh she settled down.
and i continued on my way.
a last minute snack/dinner/not sure yet came together for me this evening while the kids were eating their dinner.
it was so perfect and lovely.
sometimes food just grounds me. it brings me back to my comfort place. i think, in moderation, it is a great tool.
step one – the other night i had roasted a bunch of veggies from our CSA. (eggplant, pepper, summer squash, leeks, and tomatoes) with a boatload of garlic, some olive oil, and a splash of apple cider vinegar. (i really think you could use any veggies you have around.)
step two – earlier today i sauteed a bunch of chard with — you guessed it — olive oil and garlic (and sea salt).
step three – this afternoon i took the kids to my favorite local bakery/bagel/food spot (where i spend way too much time and money i am sure) for a cookie and while there i grabbed a multigrain baguette and a small container of olive cream cheese.
step four – slice about 4 inches of the baguette off, cut it in half, toast it lightly. while toasting reheat all veggies. spread a think layer of olive cream cheese on lightly toasted bread, top with roasted veggies, top with chard.
step five – eat. super messy. you will need a (cloth!) napkin.
she is headed away from me,
with her foot slapping walk.
not quite a stomp.
and her little bottom rocking back and forth with each step.
her hands are high above head,
“like this? like this? up high in the sky?”
she is asking me.
as she walks away.
headed to the bathroom with the step stool.
“i go wash my hands with blue on them.”
she told me.
she is holding them up so she doesn’t get anything dirty on the way.
just how i taught her.
right now i know everything she knows.
i know each breath and sigh and word.
i know the pathways of her thoughts and her understanding of her world.
i know each time she poops or pees or doesn’t.
tonight after she is asleep i have to pack her lunch
for her morning in the toddler program at the school down the street.
the same school the bean goes to
at the same time.
this was set up to be my time for myself.
but watching that little bottom retreat to the bathroom
watching those paint covered hands float through the sky to the sink
instead i want to cry.
i am looking for the right way
through this moment
where i realize i am somewhere in between where i was
and where i dream of being.
it is okay here
we are all okay
but it isn’t who i most want to be or what i most want to be.
i don’t think it is.
even if i feel like it is what i am supposed to want.
even if there are ways in which i can enjoy it.
i am looking for the ways to be kind of myself,
to be ok with where we are at,
and to also not be afraid to make a stand.
to take a chance.
to do it now.
to stop waiting to know exactly everything just right.
i don’t know
it feels like a fog.
an okay fog.
a fine fog.
but not a dream.
i am going to step away from the computer and knit for a few minutes and see what the yarn has to tell me about how to get from a ball to a piece of cloth. how to weave my life into the vision. how to know the pattern i seek.
wishing you all a blessed weekend.
and light on your path.
p.s. kids started their half day programs at a local preschool this week. as the above may make clear – i am torn.
another one inspired by la mama soule
*ready for roasting*
i must confess
i am finding coffee
is a nice way to handle the extra work brought on by
(notice the pup pup passed out on the cool tile floor of the kitchen.)
and while i am confessing
it is becoming clear
that i can
a loaf of carrot bread
all on my own
with very very little help.
with raw milk butter.
with homemade blueberry jam.
with raw milk cheddar cheese.
with cream cheese.
with a drizzle of honey.
compliments to my master baker.
compliments to the best bread book ever.
(ok, it is the only bread book i have every had. but it is really good. and i have no affiliation with the people who wrote it and they have no idea i exist and i paid for my copy and all that jazz.)
and now, back to my consumption.