then i got a cold. the bad kind that knocks you on your butt and makes you call your mom and beg her to take the kids for a few hours so you can crawl into bed and sleep.
now, a few days later, it is all but gone with just that lingering chest congestion and coughing that makes for long nights spent willing your self to gain control of the hacking for a few minutes of sleep.
this morning i decide that yoga class would be a good thing. it would get some energy flowing and perhaps provide that last push towards healing. we did a lot of continual moving between two poses while breathing work. at one point i noticed that i was holding so much tension around the belief that i didn’t have enough breath. that somehow i wasn’t able to breathe enough. “i can’t breathe i can’t breathe!” oh and really, “i can’t breathe and also be doing this right and i really want to do it right. i want to get this right and i can’t breathe!”
i asked that scared voice to pipe down and i tried instead, “there is plenty of breath in your body. you are filled with breath. you are breathing well and easily. there is plenty of breath.” i noticed the dichotomy of my scared thinking – scarcity of breath – and my calm thinking – abundance of breath. i noted the difference and tried to let it all go.
about a half hour later we were in shavasana and i was all blissed out and relaxing when suddenly the thought of pizza popped into my head. we are planning to go to a late afternoon pizza playdate today and i was thinking, “how will i stick to the vegan cleanse? will i stick to the vegan cleanse? will i really want to eat the pizza? if i really want to eat the pizza should i just eat it or should i stay vegan? which is right? which will feel better? if i don’t eat pizza what do i eat? can i ask to order a vegan pizza? should i bring my own vegan food? what if i am not enjoying my vegan food as much as i would enjoy indulging in a slice of pizza?”
then i reined my scared self in once again and i thought, “there is an abundance of truly enjoyable plant based food to eat. there are so many lovely things to chose from.” i felt a huge release in my chest when i had this thought. suddenly i was able to clear my head again and get back to deep relaxation. just by assuring myself, once again, that there is plenty.
i wonder how much of my own internal stress is based on my unchallenged belief in scarcity. when i worry about being an “outsider” in a group is that because i do not believe they have enough friendship to share? do i think there is not enough time to build relationships i care about? when i feel i do not fit in is it because i believe there is only enough space for a certain number of people to feel ok?
i feel like i am ready to move on from the scarcity model. i want to release the belief that there is not enough and embrace abundance. energy is everything. we create. i create enough.
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yesterday we went to the beach. while we walked on the hard packed sand i gathered up some small rocks that caught my eye and several large shells. i kept thinking, “oh wow, free toys.” i know, that sounds slightly insane. but i spent about four hours at the beginning of this week decluttering our playroom (again) and setting it up in a way that felt more peaceful to me. that including reducing the plastic toys even more and replacing them with the simplest things – a basket or small stones. a line to hang the play silks on…
so i was looking at the shells with renewed optimism about life. how the universe creates these amazing creatures, the ocean itself, the process of turning the stones smooth, of emptying and cleaning out the shells so we can see the pearling coating the inside. the fact that these are the most beautiful and things for us to work and play with. that since i did the playroom ms. pea has taken to walking around the house with the basket of stones tucked over her shoulder – as though she can’t be parted from the sensation of running her fingers through them for even a moment. and i imagined these shells becoming boats, beds for small animals, hats – anything. things i can’t even think of because honestly i am too old.
there isn’t one way to do anything. there isn’t one way to raise children, to live as a family, to educate our young. there are a million paths up the mountain. but seeking the path, dedicating yourself to finding the things that resonate in that way within you that says, yesyesyes. that is what matters. not what your yes is but working on the art of listening for it.
we still enjoy paper plate and marker crafts too!
i am back in heather’s 30dayvegan workshop again. what i love about this course is that she encourages clean eating as a path to finding your yes foods, your yes lifestyle. she isn’t preaching any one way to do things she is preaching the belief that your body knows what it truly needs. and that if you can slow down, clean up the system, and then listen you will hear it clearly. what you need. what is right for you.
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Posted in my life on 08/16/2011|
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this whole long break from blogging just took place. unplanned. entirely just by the seat of my pants vacationing from my blog. then i started thinking about coming back to the space but it felt like i had to have something big/profound/monumental to say — to make the entrance worthwhile. like putting up a little post that says, “i baked some bread today and did some laundry. we played with tennis balls in the driveway which was fun and miss pea whined at me a lot which is making me want to yell but i try my hardest not to.” that post would be sort of anti-climactic after two months of silence.
but that is kind of how i feel. like when you are at this great lecture but you have to pee really badly so you walk out and then when you are in the hall you notice some artwork is hung in this one spot and you like it so you check it out. then before you know it you’ve been out of the lecture longer than expected and you are trying to decide, just leave the building?
or is there a way to slip back in quietly, without too many people being irritated or wondering where you went for so long. can you just open the door without it creaking too loudly and tiptoe over to your seat?
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