Archive for July, 2010

day of birth

dearest pea

you sat up and called for me at 4:28 this morning, “mama, mama.”  i was sleeping by your side.  you wanted milkies.  i rolled over and then i remembered that it was your birthday.  at 4:30 two years ago the bean was just waking up and wanting me.  flash brought him into our room where i got a chance to give him some hugs and snuggles between contractions.  then gran gran brought him downstairs to watch bob the builder.   i remember this and smiled to myself and dozed off.

at 5:20 this morning you sat up and said, “go see daddy?”  i gently encouraged you to lay back down and be quiet so daddy didn’t get woken so early.  i wondered why you were up so early.  and then i remember it was your birthday.  two years ago today i was on my hands and knees on the bathroom floor giving birth to you at this very time.  you slide your self entirely out of the cocoon of my body at 5:23 am.

right now, while you nap, i am eating the slice of carrot cake that gran gran got you for your birthday treat.  but, i will not touch the vanilla cupcake with jellybeans on top that you clearly favored.  you fell down the stairs a bit this morning while i was out at my exercise class and you have told me the story eight hundred and fifty seven times.  “mama i fall down stairs.  i cry.  daddy pick me up!  i cry mama.  i ok.”

you ate a few of your favorite foods today.  for breakfast you asked for frozen edamame and corn.  for lunch you had cut up salami, a piece of red pepper, parmesan cheese, a scoop of sour cream, and sunflower seeds.  you have worn you pajama top most of the day because you are two and you decided that you didn’t want to take it off and that is that.  you bounced on the couch, ran around the house, played playdough, and dug in the sand this morning with the bean and your friend from next door.  you also pretended to make phone calls using a wooden block, “i callin’ bastian.  i is peter.  who dere?!”

sometimes i stare at you wondering how i got the gift of you in my life.  you are so full.  you are full of love and life and confidence and action and assurance and vim.  you spark with frustration and sparkle with laughter within moments of each other.  you make your fingers fold over each other when you are scared and you annouce, “mama i SCAD.”  you make signs out of your hands and tuck them oddly under your chin when you are excited to see someone, two fingers folded down tight and two others poking out straight while your smile crests between your cheeks.

baby girlie you astound me.  with your strength, your intuition, your uncanny brilliance.  i remember that early morning on the bathroom floor.  the midwife called out to me, “we are almost there.  i see over an inch of her head!”  i thought to myself, “an INCH?!” because i could feel your whole body pushing me to open up and let you out and i was sure she was going to say she could see you right down to your toes.  that is how you have been from that moment.  you have filled me up, you have pushed me to grow, you have made me wonder at the sheer force of life that flows through you.

i want to thank you for coming.  i want to remember each day to revel in the gift of your presence in my life.  i want notice and be grateful.  the truth is though that you just fit with me.  having you here is like welcoming in a part of myself or my oldest dearest friend.  you make me nuts, you make me laugh until i pee in my pants, you make me love you more than i thought i could, you belong in my heart.  you are so right for me i believe i forget to filled with wonder.  our relationship just flows from one moment to the next like the well worn riverbed it is.

i know in coming years this will shift.

i know you are my daughter and i am your mom and that is sure to be fraught with fright.

today though you are two.  and i wanted to tell you that i love you.  and that you love frozen peas, and baby (big baby), and “pat lucky”, and marmite with a spoon in a bowl, and watermelon, and cucumbers eaten whole right out of gran gran’s garden, and putting on your bathing suit to go swimming and then walking to the edge of the water and taking it off, and doing tinkles on the grass, and drawing (“drying”), and sitting in the kitchen sink (turn on the water = “up down”), and brown bear, and of course side milkies.

happy birthday my chickpea.

now i’m off to finish the carrot cake slice.


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there is a big growing bruise right up on my heart

maybe we all make mistakes sometimes

maybe everything happens for a reason

maybe doing the right thing for everyone sometimes makes you ache

maybe i was being foolish

maybe the grown up thing to do is just to say this is too much

maybe that is what working out looks like

maybe there is a perfect spot for him out there somewhere

maybe he will be happier

maybe it will be ok.

but today i am all tears on the kitchen floor while he licks the insides of my ears with a diligent calmness.


and we may be finding him a new home.

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alternate universe

in my other life i have no kids but lots of cats.  and a few dogs.  and a handful of chickens.  i knit my own sweaters and read voraciously and frequent local vineyards.  we like to go out to dinner on friday nights twice a month and i always fall asleep on the car ride home.  i keep a journal and study photography on the side.  we take a big trip once a year.  i like to drive to far off fiber stores.

in my other life no one is jumping off the couch right now dressed only in a kitchen trash bag.

in my other life…

what is yours?

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i have been working as an animal communicator for about ten years now.  the entire time i have worked i have tried to help people to find their missing animals free of charge.  sometimes months will pass without a missing animal call and sometimes i will get three calls back to back – like a test of my will and strength.

as test because the work is hard to do and it is often the case that i am telling the person who contacted me that their animal has crossed over.  if this person is using a telepathic animal communicator to help them locate their animal friend you can be certain that animal holds a very special place in their heart.  a place that is sacred and blessed and unconditional.

the power of the grief felt when a person loses their animal is not to be under estimated.  made especially intense when the situation involved a period of time in which the animal was unacccounted for, posters were made, fields and forests and parking lots and the shoulders of roads were searched over and over, names were called and whistles rang through the air.  there was longing for the search to end with the sight of our beloved teacher, friend, family member.

today i got to make such a call to a wonderfully devoted cat mama.  before i called i asked the spirit of her cat to come through me so that i would have help finding the words and thoughts that might help her through the news i was trying to share.  i called upon my spirit guides, i called upon soyala, and then i called her.

the message coursing through me was of the beauty of a full life, regardless of its length.  three years of being loved and cared for, of being fed and stroked, of being respected and given the freedom to roam the wild areas surrounding his home.  three years of a deep unconditional loving relationship with a human who understood him on a level that some relationships never attain.  three years can be an eternity of healing.  three years can be the most blessed life imaginable.  the time, three years, not even worth mentioning – the color, sound, movement that filled those years makes your heart burst open.

the message was so full i felt it shifting my cellular structure.  the combination of love flowing between the woman and the spirit of the cat was bursting through me and my eyes were crying.  i felt like there would never be a way for me to use words to tell someone on the other side of the country the feelings i was full of.  i hope that in some way the energy of the message reached her – i know the spirit of her cat is still woven tightly into her living energy.

the call was over and i sat in silence for a moment.  in a prayer without words.  then i stepped out into my front garden and rang my thai buddhist temple bells three times.  i cleared out the energy that was not meant for me and i thanked the spirit of the cat for his vibrant teaching.

i walked back inside and saw my bean sitting on the couch.

that love, that life, is what i want for my children.  suddenly i have a new vision of what i am trying to create.  i don’t know exactly what method of education i will chose, i might not always get the discipline right, i stumble over my words and boundaries nearly daily, but i know what i want their life to feel like.  i want it to be a wrapping around of love with the spaciousness of respect for their individual energies and the freedom to explore the wildness of their worlds.  i want it to be the deepest kind of relationship two energies can share bounded by the understanding that i am the parent and they are in my care.  i want to try to be creating the present moment so that life is full of richness in the now and not aimed at some future state of being.  i want them to share their life as a blessing, a gift, a healing lifetime.

thank you for the insight cat spirit friend.

thank you for the blessing of your vision and your life shared.

thank you universe.

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and what’s more

the other day while i was spending time with the children as they went to sleep i got to thinking about my connection to and understanding of reality.  i do believe in things like telepathy, the possibility that time and space do not exist in the ways we tend to rely on them to, energy healing and so on.  i believe in a lot of things that are not the standard teachings of high school science curriculum.

somehow i think my idea of myself and my beliefs had begun to disconnect me from the physical world.  it was like i shifted into thinking something along the lines of, “this does not exist as we think it does so it is not.”  i am struggling to put words to feelings here.  it seemed easy for me to disconnect from the world and it seemed somehow that that ease was connected to my feeling that everything is not what we assume.

so anyhow i was sitting there thinking about that and i looked down at my hand.  then suddenly i realized it is not that there is less — it is not an invitation to disconnect — it is that there is more.  there is more.  it is an invitation to connect more deeply and fully.  the spiritual path i seek is not one where i grow by abstaining from the world but one where by i grow through experiencing all the levels, depth, complexity that is the world.

the truth is not just that my hand is not as solid as it seems.

the truth is that my hand is more solid than it seems.

the truth is that i am more than my body.

and that i am my body.

i don’t know where this is going i’m just getting it down on paper so i can start to see what the practice in this is for me.

well, on paper that does not exist.

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as it turns out vacation and blogging do not mix well for me.

we will soon return to our regular scheduling programming.

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