sometimes it feels like i am cheating all the time now. never writing anything down. forgetting to take pictures.
like i might forget a small something that should not be forgotten.
like it means somehow that this time is less important than the time when i did write it all out.
i think about how the words might work to string together the moments into scenes and how this tiny spot on the internet might somehow be the place where all my misplaced memories are stored.
and then i wonder if that also cheapens it. if it is just etched into my being so that it shapes me constantly and how could that be forgotten when it is all that i am? and how really if i am doing what i intend to do, mothering them, then these moments are also carved into their very beings. that they won’t remember the days together at all but that it will just weave into who they are.
the pea has a grasp of language that still surprises me. she strings together thoughts and sentences that sound like they are coming from a much older child. but her voice and words have the lisps and twangs of a three year old. it is so incongruous it makes my heart full. the bean is sometimes unrecognizable from the toddler i had so recently who was silent, hiding behind me, sitting in my lap. he talks to people at grocery store as though its the most natural thing in the world. he has a confidence and ease out in the world now that fits his beauty and grace.
two days a week the three of us pack up a collection of bags containing all manner of stuff and drive “on highway number one and highway number two” to get to our homeschool coop. we eat snacks, talk and sing our way through the forty five minutes there and home. in between the driving we experience our little coop. led by a woman who has served these last few months as my inspiration and mentor. our coop has a hired teacher and i am blessed (and challenged) to stay on as one of the assistant teachers. i work on truly holding the space, seeing children in the light, developing the intuition of a teacher instead of a healer, and trusting my instincts. the bean and the pea work on sharing space with other children, holding another child’s hand, wanting a shovel they don’t have, and eating as part of the community. it is hard work for all of us. somedays deeply frustrating and overwhelming and other days rewarding in ways i could never have predicted. somehow i am a full time stay at home mom, homemaker, and home schooling parent, and suddenly also a part time assistant teacher in a really amazing outdoor based waldorf inspired mixed kindergarten program.
other days we go to the gym. i leave my children in the day care there where they play with blocks or plastic cars and buses while i indulge in exercise. i am learning to play tennis. surrounded by people who feel so very different from the families involved in the coop its almost like i am somehow lifting a curtain to travel between different universes. on the court though i learn the same thing i am always learning. to forgive myself when i don’t measure up. to stay focused in on the present moment. and to let go. to let go of the last point, the last shot, the last mistake i made. to just simply let it go and face the next one. it doesn’t work to pretend to let it go or to even file it away for later analysis. somehow, playing tennis, my body stores up the tension of the judgement i am passing on myself if i try one of those. i have to really take a deep breath, forget that last thing that happened, and trust that even if i let go instantly of the mistake i made i have somehow learned what i needed from it and the next moment will go better.
flash is away again on another two week trip for work. it is hard and it has moments of struggle for sure but honestly it isn’t too terrible. we all miss him and it is more work for me but it is ok. in these long stretches of being the only parent i learn so much about my kids. i feel so close to them. most of the time i feel lucky. i love these little guys so much and they are truly amazing beings who surprise me, delight me, and humble me everyday. the way flash travels somehow shapes my relationship with them in a way that is a gift. the other day the bean told me, “i know you better than anyone else does. i spend even more time with you than daddy does!” i thought about it for a moment. i always think i am the one doing the knowing. that i know these kids so well.
he is right though. with his huge sensitive heart and elephant memory and all the thousands upon thousands of hours we have clocked together in this life time he just might know me better than anyone else in the world does. it is possible.