1.26.12

today in meditation i asked to, what do i need to be right now?

flash was gone for thirteen days and now he is home.

the kids are bouncing off the walls happy.

and it is so nice to be a family of four again.

there is also the transition though.

sometimes i remember there will be a transition when he departs

but forget there is another one when he returns.

so i asked to be what i need to be

for myself

for my kids

for flash.

to be what i need to be to help us through these few little days of shifting again.

i saw myself as a shining beacon

bursting with light from above and below.

i saw myself standing strong and holding the space for us

i saw that the strength was soft and yeilding

i saw that our family is filled with love

and sometimes all that love need huge bursts of light

as well.

i saw how my tendency when he first gets back is to disappear a little bit

to assume the kids need me less

to go on a kind of energetic break.

but that really that is not what any of us need me to do.

(not even me!)

that a healthy function would be bringing the light

holding my spot in this family

being brightly present.

 

the other day we went for a walk in the forest.

covered by a blanket of snow.

with castle james.

i let him off leash and hoped he’d stay close.

he did.

we stomped through the snow a bit.

we climbed up slight hills suddenly imposing

when you are tiny

and dressed in so much gear.

we padded in

we stomped out

we slid around.

it wasn’t a long hike.

it wasn’t exercise for me.

but it totally changed my day.

being surrounded by mother earth

held by nature

and her amazing depth and breadth.

she doesn’t go on break.

she shines with strength from above and below.

her power is soft and yielding.

she is bursting with light.

she holds us all.

 

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1.21.12

sometimes it feels like i am cheating all the time now.  never writing anything down.  forgetting to take pictures.

like i might forget a small something that should not be forgotten.

like it means somehow that this time is less important than the time when i did write it all out.

i think about how the words might work to string together the moments into scenes and how this tiny spot on the internet might somehow be the place where all my misplaced memories are stored.

and then i wonder if that also cheapens it.  if it is just etched into my being so that it shapes me constantly and how could that be forgotten when it is all that i am?  and how really if i am doing what i intend to do, mothering them, then these moments are also carved into their very beings.  that they won’t remember the days together at all but that it will just weave into who they are.

the pea has a grasp of language that still surprises me.  she strings together thoughts and sentences that sound like they are coming from a much older child.  but her voice and words have the lisps and twangs of a three year old.  it is so incongruous it makes my heart full.  the bean is sometimes unrecognizable from the toddler i had so recently who was silent, hiding behind me, sitting in my lap.  he talks to people at grocery store as though its the most natural thing in the world.  he has a confidence and ease out in the world now that fits his beauty and grace.

two days a week the three of us pack up a collection of bags containing all manner of stuff and drive “on highway number one and highway number two” to get to our homeschool coop.  we eat snacks, talk and sing our way through the forty five minutes there and home. in between the driving we experience our little coop.  led by a woman who has served these last few months as my inspiration and mentor.  our coop has a hired teacher and i am blessed (and challenged) to stay on as one of the assistant teachers.  i work on truly holding the space, seeing children in the light, developing the intuition of a teacher instead of a healer, and trusting my instincts.  the bean and the pea work on sharing space with other children, holding another child’s hand, wanting a shovel they don’t have, and eating as part of the community.  it is hard work for all of us.  somedays deeply frustrating and overwhelming and other days rewarding in ways i could never have predicted.  somehow i am a full time stay at home mom, homemaker, and home schooling parent, and suddenly also a part time assistant teacher in a really amazing outdoor based waldorf inspired mixed kindergarten program.

other days we go to the gym.  i leave my children in the day care there where they play with blocks or plastic cars and buses while i indulge in exercise.  i am learning to play tennis.  surrounded by people who feel so very different from the families involved in the coop its almost like i am somehow lifting a curtain to travel between different universes.  on the court though i learn the same thing i am always learning.  to forgive myself when i don’t measure up.  to stay focused in on the present moment.  and to let go.  to let go of the last point, the last shot, the last mistake i made.  to just simply let it go and face the next one.  it doesn’t work to pretend to let it go or to even file it away for later analysis.  somehow, playing tennis, my body stores up the tension of the judgement i am passing on myself if i try one of those.  i have to really take a deep breath, forget that last thing that happened, and trust that even if i let go instantly of the mistake i made i have somehow learned what i needed from it and the next moment will go better.

flash is away again on another two week trip for work.  it is hard and it has moments of struggle for sure but honestly it isn’t too terrible.  we all miss him and it is more work for me but it is ok.  in these long stretches of being the only parent i learn so much about my kids.  i feel so close to them.  most of the time i feel lucky.  i love these little guys so much and they are truly amazing beings who surprise me, delight me, and humble me everyday.  the way flash travels somehow shapes my relationship with them in a way that is a gift.  the other day the bean told me, “i know you better than anyone else does.  i spend even more time with you than daddy does!”  i thought about it for a moment.  i always think i am the one doing the knowing.  that i know these kids so well.

he is right though.  with his huge sensitive heart and elephant memory and all the thousands upon thousands of hours we have clocked together in this life time he just might know me better than anyone else in the world does.  it is possible.

 

 

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1.6.12

guide us to thy perfect light

 

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1.5.12

sometimes when i am at the gym i look around and see other women who are much more muscular, stronger, in better shape then i am.  i immediately think, oh wow look at her.  i need to work out more often.

i wonder why my instant reaction is to rank myself lower and assume i need to change.  i wonder if there comes a time – through all this spiritual and inner work that i commit myself to doing – when those critiques are silenced and i can just appreciate each person (even myself) as they are.

on the fifth we took a hike at noon hill because it was not desperately cold.  i was just going to loop the pond there but sebastian wanted us to veer off up a hill.  i agreed.  it was a beautiful path.  at the top of the hill we looked back through the pines at the frozen pond.

a few minutes later we were walking through an archway of small pines that had grown thick leaning over each other to form a kind of greenery tunnel.  we saw a giant fallen tree and decided to bushwhack over to it and walk it like a balance beam.  it was one of those days where things just kind of fall together and you get this feeling inside vibrating around like a huge yes.

 

 

 

 

 

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good soup 1.3.12

heat some extra virgin olive oil in your magical soup pot while you cut up:

1 small bunch carrots

1 onion

1 celeriac

2 large cloves garlic

add these to the pot as you are finished cutting them and allow them to cook on med heat so they are softening slowly (i like to add some salt at this point too – just enough to bring out the flavor of these veggies).  the time spent on this will be the base of the flavor of your soup.  less time will be a lighter flavor and longer will be a heartier flavor.  once the veggies are on their way to cooked add:

1.25 lb ground pork (if vegetarian i’d also love this soup with garbanzo beans or red lentils just add them at the appropriate time).

give this time to start browning and add:

1 heaping tablespoon cumin

1 heaping tablespoon chili powder

2 pinches red pepper flakes

continue cooking until pork is cooked through.  now add about 1/2 cup of chicken broth let it come up to a boil and use it to deglaze your pot.  once done deglazing add:

2.5 -3.5 cups chicken broth

2 bay leaves

approximate 28 oz. whole peeled tomatoes

let this simmer on the stove for a bit (30 mins – over an hour).

now roughly chop about 1/2 bunch of cilantro and add it to the hop soup.  simmer another 10 -20 mins.

soup is ready!  but what is soup without toppings?

ladle soup into your bowl of choice and top with:

more fresh cilantro

a healthy squeeze of fresh lime juice

1/2 of a diced avocado

a small crumble of goat cheese

 

eat, drink, and be merry.  happy 2012 🙂

 

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