i want to get organized but trying to get organized makes me a little crazy. i spend a lot of time coming up with ideas and looking for the right way to do things and not enough time just trying to get things done. and then i am right where i started.
what i want to be is a fantastic mama, wife, daughter, and friend. a person who does enough woowoo to keep herself and her people happy and healthy. and a person who does a little bit of meaningful work on her blog. and also someone who has a clean, calm, balanced house.
i am not very naturally good at the last part. i let things slip. i let things slid. i get overwhelmed. i get nothing done. things get worse. i get used to the mess. i hide inside and don’t look around so i don’t see it. i feel stressed out. i don’t know where to start.
on mama day our cleaning help came to the house for the first time in almost a month. it made such a huge difference and it inspired me to just get my butt in gear again. baby steps, baby steps. just trying to unfreeze here.
so, with a little inspiration from simple mom and her home management book series i am trying. i am trying to get started again. and to do it in a way that i can stick with.
meanwhile i have been thinking some about this blog. i feel like it is all over the place and maybe that is ok or maybe a little focus or discipline would help me. i do like talking about food, and parenting, and my life, and woowoo. but would it be more useful to me to focus? or would it be more useful to anyone else who stops by?
sometimes i look at the “blog stats” and i see 48 (!) people came to the blog that day and i wonder about them. who are the 48 people? did they read? was anything helpful? was there anything they could relate to?
i think though that to stay on the path i should think about what is the right work for me. i think maybe just having a place to get all the chattering out of my head and onto the “page” is a good exercise in sanity for me. a person who lives too much in her head. be quiet now thinking self. you got all your time in on the blog. anyone know what i mean?
it would be nice if i could figure out how to use fear to help me instead of paralyze me. fear, yes, i think fear works. because as insane as this sounds i feel fear when i get behind on my housework. when i am failing as the house manager. and, i have to tell you, as a hard core feminist just writing that last sentence filled me with shame. i mean, i am afraid because i am failing as a house manager? who am i?
but that is fodder for another day. now i want to focus on working with the fear. maybe i should talk to my afraid self.
hello afraid self. can we communicate for a moment?
ok, this is a good start. i am trying to think of what we need to talk about. do you have any helpful advise for me at this point in my life? or is that too vague?
we can talk about why the freeze. why the lack of movement.
yes, i would like to use the fear as energy to move. to transform it. but instead i fall into my rabbit self and i don’t move at all.
the first thing you need to do is forgive your rabbit self. don’t be angry with yourself for your tendency to freeze. it is a human reaction. you are human. when you get frustrated with the freezing you just draw more energy into freezing. be open to the freeze. embrace the freeze. say thank you for a moment to hold still and take it all in. then say hello to the fear. hello fear. what can i learn from you? what can i turn you into? how can you help me through this? how can you help me in this role?
you might come to see that the fear is not an enemy. is not a shameful trait to hide under the carpet (or under the pile of toys that is obscuring the carpet). maybe the fear is a natural reaction for you. you can ask the fear to turn into energy to do. you can ask the fear to transform into discipline. you can ask the fear to work as a beacon that will show you where to work. the fear is powerful for you so you need to transform the power so that it works for you and not against you. it is right there in your hands and your ability. bring your true self, your woowoo self, to the house manager job.
the work can be woowoo if you ask for it to be. it can be meditation. it can bring peace. it doesn’t have to be just drudgery and dreaded tasks and shame. ask for the divine to come with you in this work and infuse the work with meaning for you. ask that through the work your self and your family and your home are blessed with peace and love. ask for what ever you dream of. ask your fear to lead you to direct contact with the divine. ask for your work to be prayer and blessings. transform your own understanding.
thank you fear me.
well, wow, that shut me up.
i am off to transform fear, the baby is up…