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Posts Tagged ‘breastfeeding’

i stayed up too late last night reading a book on knitting and then the pea decided to wake up a million and a half times to whine and nurseandnurseandnurse. this morning i was a little done with it. when she asked me about 3.68 seconds after we got out of bed for, “milkies side milkies milkies mama side milkies,” i got snippy and then flash asked me if i got up on the wrong side of the bed.

i am not about to give up on my nursing relationship and i am most of the time a-okay with it but there are moments when she is obsessed with the nursing and i just want a few minutes to make my coffee, or fold some laundry, or check my email, without a small person attached to my breast.

two hours later i had finally gotten us all dressed and ready and our bags packed so we could leave the house. (us all = me, pea, bean, castle james — although i don’t have to dress him.)

we drove to my parents house and that is where my day started to change. i took castle james and one of my parents dogs out for a run. i ran for 25 minutes through fields and along paths in the forest. honestly, a few months ago when i started this couch to 5k running plan i could barely jog the 60 seconds it started with. now, about two months later, i can run for 25 minutes. holy crap. (pardon me.)

i actually enjoy it now. especially the running with our dog part. oh, and the running in the woods part. oh, and the part where i feel proud of myself for getting this far.

after my run i asked my mom if she would mind watching the kids for a few more minutes so i could shower. and she said, “sure go ahead.”

if you are a stay at home parent with two young kids then maybe you know what a treat this is. a run and then a real true shower. not a baby wipe rubbed around your arm pits and neck while you simultaneously pee and try to find a pair of cleanish jeans to pull on. a shower.

it was only one hour later than the time i had finally left our house. it has only been two months since i set out to learn how to run. i have only been thinking about why i eat (and drink) for two days. but, the truth is change happens. i think it happens constantly. at times i am directing it and setting intentions and holding awareness and reveling in the change. other times i am sucked along for the ride. life is totally impermanent.

if that doesn’t make all the should’s reveal themselves as a hoax then i am not sure what does.

i might have to go looking for the lecture a brilliant dog gave me once on the fact that time and space do not exist. now there is some life changing information.

happy friday people.
happy changing.
happy discovering the spot you believe you are in right this moment.
happy breathing.
happiness.

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this morning i felt like i needed a little comforting connection from flash so when i came down from my sleeping in i chose to sit on his lap. within two second the pea had toddled her cute bum over and insisted that we pick her up so she could join us. she ended up on my lap. now the bean looked over and was sure that if pea was involved he better be – so he ensconced himself on flash’s other leg. we hugged and giggled a little bit. it was sweet.

sweet enough, in fact, to attract the attention of a certian, “kitty! meow! kitty kitty kitty! meow!” (in the words of the pea) who jumped up and took the remaining inches of my lap which was still sitting on flash’s lap. ahh, the whole family in one big pig pile. how could it get better? pea had an idea so she smiled up at me and told me her plan, “milkies!”

can you picture it? flash at the bottom, me and the bean on him, a nursing pea and a kitty on me. happy thursday morning indeed.

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look  ————>

i got the best for babes ad working on my blog! and it was tear free this time. thanks to the wonderful women behind this campaign.

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last night i decided to give crocheting the “wigs” for my dolls a try. i have no idea how to crochet but i have been assured several times that it is easy. i am sure it is, yes it could be. but with my yarn and crochet hook last night i managed to make several scary looking knots and that is all. my heart raced and my hands were all sweaty and i had another mild panic attack brought on by the fact that we are leaving in like five hours and i am not ready!

this morning after i dropped the bean at preschool i packed up my one finished doll, both yarns i got for hair, and all the instructions i have and i drove to my salvation. a local knitting shop owned and run by the mother of a friend that i went to middle and high school with. i hoped that if i showed up in person and explained the height of my crafting emergency she’d have the time to show me how the heck to crochet a doll sized cap to begin a doll wig with. seriously, how did i get to this point? where i need to make doll wigs?!  i totally did not see this coming.

she one upped me and ended up just agreeing to do it for me when i explained that my ability to learn seemed to have flown out the window under the pressure of preparing to head south for six weeks. i have been saved by dee! i promise that once i finish these dolls and give them to the kids i will take some pics to put up here so you can come to know their faces as well you know their back story of anxiety.

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well that is the small stuff around here.  what’s your thursday like?

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when the bean was little, and was my only child, i thought so much about how we were practicing attachment style parenting and how different it was from everyone we knew.  i worried about what people would think when we met them and i explained that he slept with us.  or what the reaction would be to the fact that i was still nursing on demand (day and night) past the age of one (and then two).  i worried about what people were thinking as i wrapped him onto my back in the parking lot so i would have my hands free.

i think this kind of worrying and alienation feeling peaked when the bean was around two years old and i was pregnant with chickpea.  i was still wearing the bean, nursing the bean, cosleeping, and all those things that defined us as “ap.”  and i was pregnant.  i had this fear that people were going to see my big old belly full of baby and my toddler at my breast and turn in terror screaming, “freak!  freak!  freak!”

i am not sure when the shift happened, or why (i am still wildly insecure about almost everything at times) but i notice recently that i just don’t think about it so much.  i don’t think about if being ap is good, or different, or freaky, or alienating, or wonderful, or perfect, i just don’t think about it that much.  the truth is that it was what i was doing naturally with the bean, then i learned it had a name and i found online support and i became better versed in the how’s and why’s of it all.  but, left to my own devices and my own rhythms it is just the kind of mama i am.

now with two kids in the house i suppose i have less time for reflection all around.  and with three and a half years under my belt i guess i feel somewhat more confident as a parent all around.  and with the bean getting older i can see some of the ways that being attachment parents has created a really beautiful young child and so i doubt the process less.  or also, maybe it is my second time having a baby and so i think about all of it less.  there must be a million reasons that i don’t feel such a need to hide, to wonder, to doubt myself, to worry about what others will think.

chickpea turned one year old the other day.  i still nurse and rock her to sleep and i am totally cool with that.  when she wakes up for the first time at night i grab her out of her room and bring her into the bed with us.  she sometimes likes to snuggle with me and sometimes like to flail about until she is sideways and can kick me.  some nights she nurses on and off every ten minutes it seems and other nights she’ll fall asleep next to me and i won’t hear from here again for four or six hours.  i am not obsessed with when she will sleep through the night.  i am not obsessed with when she learn to sleep on her own.  i am not wondering if i should be trying to night wean.  i am just remembering how much i worried about all of that with the bean and seeing how everything just kind of happens when they are ready.  if i do nothing but love and support to the best of my ability all day and all night – they grow up.  they do those things that some of my non-ap friends kids maybe did a lot younger.  they just get there.  it happens.  without me needing to spend so much energy stressing over how i am doing it and what other people might think about how i do it.

the truth?  i have no regrets about the ways i have done things.  not for one second do i wish i spent less time cosleeping, or nursing, or awake in the middle of the night, or snuggling my children, or rocking, or wearing them on my body.  my only regret now is that i don’t get to do it forever.  my fleeting regret is that they do grow up, they do fall asleep on their own at some point, or wave good bye happily when i leave the house.

i love them, and i love the way we do things around here.  and i don’t write about it very much because it is a non-issue.  we are still hard core ap, i just think about it less.

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this moment in time feels so familiar to me.  i have idea’s and plans and so much to do and instead of moving into the work i am on the couch in my pajama’s and i haven’t washed my face in days.  ok, not entirely true, today i washed my face and brushed my teeth and got dressed by 8 am but i did have an appointment.  in general, this week i have been gray and a little sullen and in that zone of too much to do and doing nothing.  i want to be doing but instead i am not and the longer i am not doing the more i feel behind in my doing the more overwhelmed i am and the more stuck i get.  hello my good friend rabbit.  so nice to see you again.  here we are, frozen in our fear together.

what do i want and need to be doing:

work for my class (reading and papers)

laundry (we got behind while i was in class)

creating rhythm and activity in my days at home with the kids (for bean especially)

reading to get ideas on how to start the rhythm/activity stuff

making a plan of what the days could look like

implementing the plan

going through the toys (again) and getting rid of the plastic stuff i hate hate hate (some can stay but not the triple hate stuff)

organizing my desk area (ikea would really help if we could swing the funds)

writing about non-attachement on this blog

SHREDDING (for the love of all things holy i know i’d feel better if i got back to it but i am so tired i don’t and so on and so on)

geting my eye brows waxed (this is shallow but pleasing)

getting my hair cut (see above)

shipping books out to green mamma

shipping out sold dipes

learning to knit well enough to make things

learning to sew too

being generally amazingly crafty like soulemama

adopting a dog into our family

getting involved in the local food pantry

painting the bedrooms

making the kids rooms nicer to be in

finishing the second front garden

canning some things (learning to can) for the winter

learning to make my own cheese!

having more fun parenting

going on a nice date with flash

sleeping, sleeping, and sleeping some more.

oh yes, a little sleep might go a long way.  with flash away the timing for the pea’s recent sleep strike isn’t great.  she is keeping me up most of the night and there is no one to take her when she is up for the day so i get a little break.  she is nursing a ton, biting, tossing and turning and whining.  i am guessing maybe a tooth is coming but from 1 am until i give up hope at 5:45 i am not really as compassionate as i could be.  i am tired!  right now i am drinking coffee (albeit half caf) in the afternoon which is basically me asking to be up until 1 am which is around the time she stops sleeping so i am caught in a cycle here.  and, isn’t it funny that i want more babies!

so how are all of you on this long gray week?  anyone else want to share their to do list?  or their sleep deprivation stories?  or a late afternoon mini half caf?

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a few minutes old chickpea

a few minutes old chickpea

 

 

 

in april i started a series of posts telling the story of the bean’s birth.  today i interrupt that story line and attempt to tell a short version of the story of chickpea’s birth.  i hope that hearing this story (and many others) will help a fellow blogger i truly admire to have the out of hospital birth that she desires.  here you go greenmamma!

 

chickpea is a relatively agreeable baby and she has been this way since she was in utero.  on saturday july 26th i started having some light squeezing sensations in my lower abdomen during dinner.  they were mild and not at all unpleasant and i hardly noticed them.  while i was nursing the bean to sleep they intensified some and when i came back downstairs after that i told flash they were still going on.  he encouraged me to call my midwife – we were having a planned homebirth this time around.  my mom was the one who was going to take care of bean while i gave birth to chickpea and she happened to be having dinner with us the night of the 26th as my father was out of town.  when i mentioned the mild contractions she said “tonight is not a good night chickpea!”  she had plans she really wanted to attend the next morning.  “how about tomorrow?” she inquired.  

 

i called my midwife around 10:30 that evening and told her the status, mild irregular cramping.  and also, i had noticed a little blood early that morning when using the toilet.  she asked me to lay down for a bit and see what happened.  i told her “tonight is just not a good night to have this baby?”  and explained my mom’s request.  she said she would be there if the baby came but she also had an engagement the following morning so she would also appreciate if chickpea could hold off.  we giggled, asking the baby not to be born yet seemed silly, and hung up.  i got in bed and within thirty minutes the light cramping had stopped and i fell asleep.  

 

so i was not entirely surprised when the same sensation started up again the next evening while i was nursing the bean to sleep.  i came down and told flash and i assured him that i would call the midwife again and also that i would wake him if i needed him and i sent him off to sleep with the bean (that was our current sleeping arrangement).  i called my midwife again and she asked me to lay down for a bit again and i figured it would be the same as the night before.  i did lay down and was able to doze on and off some but the cramping never really went away and slowly it intensified.  i tried timing them at some points and found them to be not all too regular or close together but all the same i had a feeling that chickpea was coming.  i want back and forth between sitting on my bed with my laptop listen to music and reading on the internet, and being down stairs walking around a bt and sitting on my big ball.

 

when i had the bean i had hated the ball so i was surprised to be liking it so much and also figured it was a sign i was still very early in labor.  eventually it reached the point where walking back up the stairs to bed was taking some concentration and i decided i would call my mom and ask her to come over.  she could help me get the bed ready if things continued to progress or she could go back home if they died down.  in retrospect, i was deeply in denial that i was having the baby soon at that point.  i was enjoying being alone and i was able to manage the surges quite nicely and i had just sort of started that birthing drift away from reality.  i called my mom around three in the morning and assured her that she didn’t need to hurry but that i would like her to come over just in case.  i had been touch with my midwife a few times already and so she knew there was a chance she needed to come soon and she lived about twenty minutes away so i was comfortable with not having her there yet.

 

after i called my mom i got off my ball (which i had brought upstairs at that point) to try to walk to the guest room and get the sheets we had set aside for the bed for the birth.  i was thinking i would get them and my mom and i would put them on together.  there was a slight hitch in my plan though, i couldn’t get to the guest room.  when i stood i felt significantly less comfortable and the surges felt a bit more overwhelming.  i liked the feeling of sitting on my ball and feel centered and confident and at ease.  walking to the guest room was out.  the up shot of this discovery was that one little piece of my awareness that was not entirely immersed in birthing was able to speak up and say, “now would be a good time to call the midwife and tell her to come.”

 

i found the phone again and called my midwife.  she told me she would leave her home within an hour and asked if that sounded good.  “no,” i informed her, “i am having this baby soon so you better come now.”  the beans birth had be a relatively quick one so i was anticipating that the pea would be too and i was suddenly aware that things were in fact progressing.  she told me she would be there soon and we hung up.  my mom arrived moments later and between surges i gave her instructions on where to find the birth kit and how to make the bed etc.  she was very relieved to hear that the midwife was coming – i think she was afraid that i was going to have the baby and she would have to catch her.

 

my midwife and her student midwife arrived at my home by four in the morning and began setting up the birthing pool.  i was still sitting on my ball, breathing deeply through surges, and feel calm and confident.  i was loving being in my room, surrounded by women who were here to support my birth, surrounded by my own familiar things and light and artwork.  i remember thinking that things were progressing quickly but that i probably still had plenty of time and i wondered if she was going to be born around the same time as her brother was (he was born at 7:23 am).  my midwife was very calm and quiet, she could see i was content doing my thing and she did her best not to interrupt me. she spoke to me softly between surges when she wanted information and mainly just kept asking me to drink fluids and asking if i wanted anything.  the back up midwife had arrived by this time and all three women plus my mom were in my room with me and in the ajoining bathroom trying to get the hose to work at filling the tub with hot water.  they were also boiling pots of water to hasten the process and lugging them up the stairs to dump in the tub.  god bless them.  i was watching all the goings on between surges, feeling a bit removed but also just loving that there was a bustle of women working quietly around me.

 

do you remember being in your teens and having slumber parties.  i used to love laying there in the dark listening to the others girls whispering while i fell asleep.  it was so comforting being surrounded by the quiet interaction.  that is the closest i can get to describing how i felt about that stage of my birthing.  there was nice quiet active energy and i was a part of it but not needing to interact.  i felt safe and attended too but not called upon to host.

 

around four thirty in the morning the bean woke up asking for me (this was a normal thing and i usually would then go join him to sleep until morning).  my mom went in and told them that i was having the baby and asked bean if he wanted to visit me.  he agreed and he came into the room for a bit.  he was groggy but seemed to understand what was going on and was surprisingly comfortable with major break in routine (i was glad we had read the homebirth book to him a million times).  i held him and hugged him a bit between surges and then he asked my mom if they could go downstairs and play and she agreed.  

 

about ten minutes after five my  midwife asked me if i had emptied my bladder recently and i admitted that it had been awhile.  i didn’t really want to get off my ball and walk to the toilet and i shared this with her.  she tempted me by telling me i could get into the birthing pool after i tried to pee.  hmm, i wavered, flash agreed to help me get there, and i finally agreed.  we went slowly into the bathroom with flash supporting me and when i got to our (very low) toilet i hovered over it and was able to pee.  then suddenly my whole calm, quiet birthing world exploded with a pop as my water broke and i felt like the pea moved down about thirty feet.  

 

when i had the bean i had a moment during which i turned to flash and begged him “help me, help me!” and he had no idea what i was talking about or what help i wanted.  it turned out i was in transition which lasted about ten minutes and then i was through the darkness and into pushing.  

 

when chickpea dropped thirty feet lower as my water broke and i was hovering over the toilet in the bathroom i had that moment where suddenly everything was happening way too fast and i couldn’t process it or handle the massive changes.  i clung to flash desperately asking him to hold me up, and i moaned like the best of them through several rapid surges.  the midwives joined us in the bathroom and asked me if i wanted to get in the pool and assured me that everything was ok but i was having one of those “in over my head” moments and i just couldn’t calm down.  i was partly so overwhelmed because i really wanted to be in my birthing pool and i knew i couldn’t get there.  when the water broke and pea dropped lower i suddenly lost the ability to walk at all.  even with help.  

 

flash quickly decided that holding me up was not going to work out for long and before i knew it i was on my hands and knees on my bathroom floor.  my back up midwife got down low on the floor and put her head near mine.  then she very quietly told me to slow down my breathing when i was between contractions.  i didn’t have a lot of time between contractions so it took me a few tries but eventually i managed to do it and just like that, with slowed breathing, i was able to get a grasp of where i was and what was happening and it was all ok again.  it was intense and inescapable but it was not frightening any more and i suddenly knew, with a burst of enthusiasm, that my baby was going to be born any minute.  my midwives continued to offer to find a way to get me into the birth pool but i was not moving.  it felt impossible to me and i just knew on some level that this birth had taken a turn and would not be going on much longer.

 

within moments my midwife called out, “you are doing great.  i can see almost a quarter inch of hair!”  i silently screamed with shock that she could only see a quarter inch because i truly felt like the pea was about to exit her old quarters and greet the world.  she was.  again my midwife spoke to me, “ok she is right here but you have stretched fully yet so i need to to hold off on pushing or you will tear.  just wait for me it is almost time.”  i listened to her advice and waited through about two more contractions and then she said “ok on the next contraction you can try pushing if you want to.”  two contractions and two pushed later chickpea’s head was out.  i waited until my next contraction (1 minute and 40 seconds later which felt like eternity) before pushing out her body and then i promptly put my head down on the cool bathroom floor and gave myself a minute.  chickpea was born at 5:43 in the morning on the bathroom floor.

 

a fast birth is wonderful in many ways but also difficult in some.  everything is simply happening so fast it is hard to keep up.  mixed in with wanting to celebrate that she was here and i had done it i just had this need to rest for a second and breathe and process.  so i did.  my midwife lovingly held our newborn, our literal new born, and i put my head down and took a few breaths.  and then i pushed up and asked for the chickpea.  they passed her to me between my legs and then slowly helped me up and to my bed where i sat propped up on pillows holding our new baby girl and feeling joyous.  i still had work to do, i had my placenta to birth, and it hung like a question mark in the air because it had been an issue with the bean’s birth, but the greatest gift of my homebirth was that those moments that could have been filled with tension and concern instead were filled with smiles, and hugs, and peace.  they were filled with faith in my body and my body’s ability to birth in the way it needed to and should.  i had the gift of time to figure out what that was for me.

 

my midwives kept an eye on the chord which pulsed for over 30 minutes (the norm is less than 10) and they encouraged me to try pushing when i had a contraction.  i latched chickpea on to see if nursing would help.  i took the homeopathic remedies that had been suggested, and also we waited.  we waited much longer than any hospital would ever have allowed.  i was fine, everything was ok, and we were patient.  finally we decided, as a group, that we would all be happier if we got the placenta birthed and we dedicated ourselves to the cause.  i got up in a squat on the bed again, my midwife prepared to apply traction to the chord, the student midwife held the baby, and i agree to one small dose of pitocin given intramuscularly by the back up midwife to help my body have a stronger contraction. 

 

that was all it took.  my placenta was born on the next contraction with some help from my midwife and then we all celebrated.  it was almost as joyous as birthing the baby!

 

i lay down in bed snuggled up with our new baby and my husband went downstairs and cooked up eggs for everyone.  we ate, drank tea and coffee, shared smiles and cooing time with the new baby, and relaxed.  i was not elated or over the moon or jacked up or anything like that i was something much much better, content.  i was comfortable beyond my wildest dreams, i felt better than i could have imagined, i was exhausted and i was content.  a mama in her nest.  and i couldn’t have agreed more with what flash told me in our first quiet moment alone together, “having a homebirth was the best decision you have ever made.”

 

before she left my midwife asked me, “so how was your birth?  how do you feel like it was for you?  did you love it?”  i was quiet for a minute and then, “well, i don’t want to do it again tomorrow or anything but it was everything i had hoped it would be.  thank you.”

 

now here i am not quite eleven months later and i have to tell you, remembering it all so i can share it with some one who will be on her own birth journey soon makes me take back my words.  i would do it again tomorrow.  if the universe so desired, i would.  

 

ok, how sad is it that i said i was writing a short version!  i am terrible.  sorry.  hope you waded through the entire thing jessica and you know you (or anyone else) can ask any questions you want!  meanwhile i’ll be wishing you the best and just knowing with all my heart that you are going to have exactly the birth that is right for you and your baby boy.  

 

beanie, mama, and bundled pea on her birth day

beanie, mama, and bundled pea on her birth day

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her very first latch

her very first latch

 

 

 

it is changing.

my baby suckling is growing up.

she has a top tooth.

and no, it doesn’t hurt with teeth.

and no, i don’t care that she is almost one we will not be weaning.

 

as i rock her to sleep though i feel that pinch.

the familiar pinch.

of a top tooth.

just nestling in next to my nipple.

not biting.

not hurting.

no pain.

just present.

hello tooth.

and with that hello i feel the shift.

the feeling of nursing a toddler. 

an older nursling.

the kind that signs, and eventually asks with words.

the kind that nurses standing.

and sitting.

and upside down

and downside up.

while walking and talking or singing or dancing.

 

none of that happens today.

today i just say hello top tooth.

and i watch her eye lids sink,

lower,

and lower, and lower.

and close.

and i feel her sucking slow to a sleeping pattern.

suck suck suck.

rest.

suck suck suck

rest.

slower and slower.  

softer and softer.

 

i know she is asleep and i can put her down for her short time asleep alone.

but i hold her longer.

remembering how recently it was that she was born.

that she first latched on.

that i marveled at nursing a little tiny baby.

a little tiny mouth.

a mouth full of gums.

a mouth with no teeth.

i blinked.

blink blink blink.

rest.

blink blink blink.

rest.

and suddenly we had the tooth pinch.

 

no, it does not hurt.

 

hello tooth.

hello growing up girl.

hello second nursling.

snuggled into my breast.

warm, and limp with sleep and filled with my milk and love.

 

finally i stand up and put her down to sleep a bit.

knowing i will nurse her again in a few hours.

and days.

and weeks.

and months.

and years, if she wants.

why would i not?

hello teeth.

hello growing up nursling.

hello deep unfathomable love.

hello.

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6:45 it is safe to get out of bed.  6:44 is a no go.  i had to get up and get my own teeth brushed and get the pea nursed and my coffee poured and be out the door driving through the rainy morning by 7:15.  7:14 might be ok also but 6:14 is not.  (but i digress.)  

 

last night i left the house to go to an workshop held at a local mama’s house on using herbs for their healing properties.  it was my first time being away from the house for bedtime since chickpea was born (at 5:43, good girl).  i was nervous about how it would go.  anticipating the difficulties of two sick kids missing their mama at bedtime.  the pea is somewhat more flexible than her brother.  the bean has gone to sleep for flash about 10 times total since he was born.  and none of them recent.

 

when i  got home the pea was sleeping soundly and the bean was sitting on the couch, wearing the same thing he was when i left the house, glazed and over tired eyes glued to the bright colors on the tv screen.  “mama,”  he said, and he climbed up into my arms and put his head on my shoulder.  it was a perfect fit.  it would have been nice for all of us if he had gone to sleep for flash.  or even if he had gone upstairs. or say, put on his pajama’s.  but we’ll do baby steps.  the baby was asleep and i had gone out.

 

i took him right up and put his sagging body in its cotton dinosaur pajama’s and laid down with him and in about three minutes he was sound asleep.  with his arms wrapped around my neck and his stuffed nose whistling and purring.  i slipped out of bed and went downstairs to get the post game report from flash.  

 

while i was out i had a glass of wine.  i learned how to make some all natural bug spray and some yummy tea.  i met a few new people and managed to smile once or twice i think.  it was good to go out.  it was good to come home.  everything was pretty good.  i was laying in bed feeling slightly engorged and trying to decide if i should dream feed the pea or just wait for her to wake.  she’d been up at 11 the night before and it was 10:29 and she was still sick so i anticipated a similar night of wakings.  11, 11:45, 12:23, 1:37, 2:51, 4:01, 4:39 and so on.  is it worth doing a dream feed to help slightly engorged breasts when i will be awake again to feed in less than 29 minutes?  i decided it was not.

 

instead i decided to go talk to my spirit guides.  one in particular.  my main human form teacher.  i asked her if there was anything i should be doing right now, and she was glad i had remembered that i blog under the name “woowoo mama” and decided to do some woowoo.  “get your covenish back together,” she told me.  “try wotw and redbird and if they can’t do it you must go find other women.”

 

so i have asked redbird and wotw if they want to reconvene because i cannot begin to imagine meeting new women to covenish with.  maybe i shouldn’t be throwing the word covenish around without really knowing what it means.  we gather to woowoo and sit in some kind of a very malleable circle that opens and closes to hold bean and pea as needed or not.  then we see what work we want to do and can do and where it goes.  last time we were together we noted that we only needed one more woman present to be a “coven.”  at least to our very limited and unresearched understanding.  so i started thinking of us as “covenish.”  you know, journeying, talking to the spirits, working on healing ourselves and others, eating, burning a little sage, setting up an altar.  powerful women working with the power of the universe to seek healing.  covenish.

 

just as i started drifting to sleep i head the sound of the pea calling me over her monitor.  (yes when i go to sleep i have two monitors next to me.)  so i got her.  it was 11:01.  and the beginning of another night of repeated wakings and stuffy noses and nursing and wanting to sleep on top of mama.  that’s ok though.  we all need to be held sometimes.  in a circle, in an embrace, with our snotty noses, with our whining selves, by a covenish, by our life partner, by our therapist, by our friends, a good bottle of white wine, or our spirit guides.  seeking that holding and knowing the power of help kind of gets us through.  knowing we are in for some good help might even help us get out of bed for the day at 6:45 after a night with very little sleep.  but not at 6:44.  6:44 is truly no good.

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