on support and playrooms

yesterday i hesitated for a moment before sharing the story about scolding the bean for coughing. clearly it wasn’t a high point in my parenting but also it wasn’t the first time i have done something shameful terrible human like that.  i read a fair number of blogs pretty regularly and i have to confess that one of my main complaints about some of my favorite blogs is how i only hear about the things they are doing right.  some day i would love to see a post pop up on my google reader where they disclosed the moment where their waldorf, gentle discipline, attachment parenting perfect parent self disappeared and they yelled at their child for coughing.  you know?  not that i think i present myself on here as perfect at all.  but, it was that thought that made me just go ahead and share the moment with you all.  and the support that came through in the comments was really nice so i wanted to say thank you.

last night he was up coughing again and again i was tired and not pleased but i kept myself calm and we made it through the hour and half without either of us crying.  phew!  i think that was due in part to feeling less alone.

some of the ikea bins

over the past several months i have been thinking more and more about our toys and play room.  i have already culled through a few times and eliminated some of the obvious stuff (three trash bags full of stuff that went to donation).  yet i still feel like there is way too much stuff in our toy life and toy area.  i want it to be easier for bean to access what he wants, i want to feel better about the clean up system, i want to only have a minimal amount of stuff out, i want to make all of our lives more simple and easier.

in the last week i read two posts that reinvigorated me to do even more culling and work on the playroom situation.  carrie over at the parenting passageway wrote about the importance of “creating your space” in her post on setting up your family for homeschooling success. we are not homeschooling but i do so love carrie’s blog and the way she runs her home often speaks to me. similarly there was a nice post at bluebirdbaby on a waldorf friendly home. we are not a waldorf home but i do like a fair amount of the waldorf idea’s i have read about or been exposed to. i really do think there is a lot to be said for the minimal, natural toys theory.

another view

i am not about to toss anything we have that is not hand carved. i am just more of a pick and chose kind of gal so i need to take what works for me without feeling like i have to totally subscribe to all things waldorf. i do value our more natural toys though.  i think having a play room that was less crowded with dissimilar and cheaply made toys and was more organized around themed area’s and toys that stand the test of time would serve us well. last night as i was laying in bed trying to think of ways to make my days with the kids flow more easily, i thought of the posts i had read and wondered if putting some energy into our toy room situation might be a good place to start. i came up with a mental list of “areas” we could have that felt good to me and also took account of the bean’s main interests.

kitchen/play house/dress up
music/art
cars/trains/vehicles
building

a few other things that they kids enjoy and i do not want to get rid of yet:
some stuffed animals
balls

this afternoon my mothers helper is coming and maybe i can get to work on packing up some of the less popular play things that also do not fit into my “areas.” i will just store them in a bin so they can be rotated back into our playing life as we see fit.

one last look

i’d like to make it so that each of the bins we have (we have some ikea storage units with open bins) holds certain things. i can label the bins so it is easy for the bean to understand and also for flash and i to put things away where they belong. hopefully that will make it that much easier for cleaning up to be a given instead of a struggle. i can’t really blame him – i find the whole room totally insane as well. who knows where anything in it should go?! it is a total mishamash.

what about you readers. do you have play room systems? got any tips to help me on my play room journey? do’s and don’ts? pictures of what is working for you? (or if you want to just come do my playroom for me i am totally open to that!)

peace out yo
woowoo mama

listless

today i feel so listless. there is plenty to do, and some of it would even be fun, but i just can’t get past my listlessness. last night the bean was up for about an hour coughing and not able to sleep. i got so mad and then i turned to him and told him to “stop coughing or you have to go to your room!” he sat up in the bed and i thought he was going to leave but instead he turned towards me and covered his face with his hands and started to sob.

oh yes, it was such a proud moment for me.

i scooped him up in my arms and rocked him. i whispered into his ear that i was so sorry and i was tired and i made a mistake. i told him i was right there with him, “mama is here. mama is here with you.” i slid him down my lap just enough that his head could rest on my chest. i held him like he was a baby and i rocked him for awhile and said “shhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhh.” he stopped crying easily and his head was heavy on my chest. as we rocked with him more upright his coughing calmed down and i knew, in a moment, that i would hold him upright until he fell asleep. ten minutes later i stacked some pillows up behind my back and i reclined a bit. i had already been up with him for almost an hour and now i was committed to staying up with him until he was soundly asleep in arms.

how many nights, when he was a baby, had i done this. even as he got to be a toddler any time he was sick he tended to get his cough and he liked to be held while he slept. how had i so quickly forgotten that and turned into the mama scolding him for having a cough? instead of thinking i had failed him i held him close. i has said my apology and it was time to forgive myself. his breathing cleared and deepened and soon whole minutes were passing without a cough. all the irritation and self pity i had been feeling seemed to ease out of my own body as his body softened into sleep. instead i felt our connection reestablish as we rested there skin to skin. just like you would calm an infant.

as things settled i realized that i needed to do something for myself soon. something to recharge. flash is in china for work and sleep has not been great and i stayed up lateish on friday spending some time with a friend who stopped by after the kids were asleep and really late (for me) on saturday when i had the chance to go to a dance party and my parents were kind enough to sit on my living room couch so i could get out (the party started hours after my kids early bedtime). so yes, i might be tired but that is not it. i can’t put my finger on it. it just feels like i can’t find the thing that lights up my day. i could work on my knitting but i am not inspired by it today. i could start the dolls but they seem equally like a task. i have plenty of laundry to deal with and tidying i could do and food i could cook. there is no shortage of things on my list but there is a shortage of inspiration.

i was hoping that by writing it out here i would find my way to something like resolution. i would write my way to the thing that might help me recharge my battery. maybe it is time to break out that wool i bought for my shawl and knit something just for me. maybe. yes, hmmmmmm, perhaps that would be a nice way to spoil myself. and maybe i just want a little spoiling…

i know i do not want to wake up to bean’s coughing tonight (it has been happening nightly) and be mean. at least i learned that. that instead of huffing and turning away the solution was to hold him close and baby him. to see how young he still is and remember he is my spirited little one who thrives on touch.

and also, maybe a little listlessness is just part of life and instead of fighting against it and trying to fix it i could sit with it. it is nice outside – when chickpea wakes up maybe we can go outside and lay on our picnic blanket and look for clouds.

ok, this post seems to be without coherence but i am publishing it anyway – it is as listless as i am. so be it.

unexpected.

a few days ago this guy moved into our house. he stayed on that light switch for days. days! at first i was pretty put off. i am not terribly fearful of bugs but i don’t need a big one on the light switch panel right by my front door. for some reason i challenged myself to sit with it and see what happened. the first thing i noticed was the fear reaction (you know the tightening in the throat and chest) went away. i could walk past him, or look at him, and feel calm. i still wanted him to leave and i wasn’t thrilled with the idea of getting close enough to him for long enough to move him without harming him – but i wasn’t feeling afraid of him from a foot or so away.

by this morning i was happy to see him sitting there when i came downstairs. “oh, hello light switch bug,” i sent him, “how are you this morning?” he didn’t always sit in the exact same spot but he favored the raised bit on the panel where the timer switch for the porch light is. then sometimes he strayed a few inches up the wall. he always returned to his panel though.

around 10am today the bean was afraid that this little guy was a spider and i had to talk him down. “that is not a spider sweetie. that is our light switch friend.” the bean wanted him to leave which i do understand but i encouraged him to let our bug friend stay with us and see how it felt later today. i realized that i had grown mildly fond of having him there. i sent light switch bug the intention, “hello friend. thank you for coming into my life.”

i had noticed earlier in the day that this bug was missing a leg (there really ought to be six don’t you think?) and just knowing that my little light switch bug had only five legs felt like something. something like i was getting used to him. i made a note to check in with him while chickpea napped and see if he had a message for me. and then, on a whim, i decided to snap a quick picture of him.

my light switch bug friend, who has been sitting there for at least 2.5 days. my new friend. i expected him to be there for at least another day or two. i expected that he was maybe going to teach me a thing or two. and then we came in from playing outside around 11:30 and he was gone. i looked around his usual area and couldn’t find him. and i keep looking. i keep getting up to peek at his switch area, i even looked behind the mirror hanging near there to see if he just went under cover. doesn’t matter how many times i look. he isn’t there.

a few weeks ago i spent some time cutting leaves out of tissue paper so the bean and i could do a craft like the star windows i read about in earthwise. i made one myself while he was sleeping and determined that the activity wouldn’t hold his attention well enough for it to be worth us trying at this point. but, i had already cut out so many leaves! for a few weeks they have sat in my crafting area looking brightly colored and yet forlorn. then, suddenly i came up with the idea of having him string them onto embroidery thread using his big tapestry needle. i pulled the idea out at the typical low point of our day (since the time change) yesterday around 5:30. he loved it. he sat quietly at the counter stringing the leaves (with occasional assistance but not much) for a long time – until he had strung ever leaf we had. he was very proud of his project and immediately declared it “beautiful.”

while he was working the conversation we were having naturally flowed towards the holiday/festival of thanksgiving that is coming up soon. my all time favorite holiday. i talked some about what it would be like in our home and about the idea of being thankful for all that we have. he kindly told me that he was thankful for his favorite toy truck “scrambler” and for chickpea. when he was done stringing the leaves we hung them up across some of our large bay window.

today the sun came streaming in through the window and lit up the craft in the most astonishing way. i was struck by the beauty of it and i was caught off guard by how much pleasure this little string of tissue paper leaves was giving me. i would never have imagined.

this morning at 7:40 my phone rang and the caller id showed victory’s information. i knew instantly that something was not right. she doesn’t call me at 7:40 in the morning.

something is wrong, her father is having a very sudden and serious medical emergency. a few moments before that she was no doubt having a normal sunday morning with two spirited kids and then her whole universe shifted.

and i am her friend so mine did too. i have wished a thousands times today that there was more i could do. that we lived closer. that i was a powerful healer. that i could bring her some comfort as she goes through this entirely unexpected day. i try to check in with her dad, i send my white light, i try to think healing thoughts, and my heart – most of all my heart – is with her. may that give her a little something extra.

and if you all have anything extra to give go ahead and do you thing. prayer, positive thoughts, woowoo, white light, meditation, intention. i am sure that victory and her family would accept any and all of it.

may we all find peace in the face of what we least expect.

are you being led?

recently i had a fairly intense conversation with a close friend of mine about our spirituality. it was not intense as in heated, or controversial but it was just live. during the conversation i asked her if she felt like she could create her own path or her own practice (she comes from a more organized religion background) and she explained that she felt like she needed someone to lead her.

my initial reaction to this was she should have more faith in her own ability to contact whatever higher power she believes in and be led directly from the source. i even proposed that direct communication (as opposed to counting on leadership) is the cornerstone of my own path. while i do not think i was misleading her in my statements, the more i have reflected on it the more i have realized how much i do count on being led as well. no, i do not attend a church or look to one specific person as my spiritual leader but i have worked hard to find people to be led by both in ordinary reality and in nonordinary reality (i borrow this terminology from the shamanic tradition).

it feels like an important development for me to see how i am not alone in my practice. not only am i not alone but i have created relationships and community where i share the art of leading and being led, learning and teaching, listening and speaking from the heart. i count on the moments when i can turn to a trusted guide or friend and ask to be led. it is exciting to have some clarity around the power of this in my life. there is the strength of seeing that i have people who can guide me when it is the right moment for some guidance and there is the power of realizing that i can lead.

i think, on some level, i have a tendency to shy away from the latter belief because it feels like it is not humble enough. how dare i believe that i am a leader? but the nuance of the word is what matters here and this is the shift of power for me. i can take ownership of my ability to lead without holding it as an either or situation. what i mean is, in life there will be moments when i can step up and lead someone on their path and also moments when i gratefully follow a trusted leader. maybe this is the true meaning of a spiritual community. at least for someone like me. leader and being led on a constantly shifting continuum.

letting go of black and white distinctions and clear compartmentalizing seems to be my life work right now and this feels like just another example. i trust the work will keep on coming.

a picture post

yesterday when i was done with my post the bean came over and noticed the picture of him and chickpea in my banner. he told me he wanted me to take that picture again. he was insistent that we try and little ms. pea was having nothing to do with it:

eventually she managed a full escape and he still wanted to pose for me:

and thank you for voting. i took the plunge:

on sewing

i am just starting to fall a little bit in love with sewing.  i have my lovely long term loan singer here with me and i am starting to catch myself glancing at her and thinking she is pretty.

 

my first “real” project has been working up a baby blanket as a gift copying the design of baby blankets each of my children received as gifts when they were born from a very creative member of my family.  here are some iphone pictures of chickpea’s blanket so you can see what i am going for:

 

 

she uses several different colors of thread to make her super hip seaming on the blankets but i opted for the easy version and bought a variegated thread.  here is where i am at now:

 

so devoted friends and readers give me your personal opinions – do i call this blanket done?  or do i keep going around and around making more seams?

i should tell you that i took the plunge and ordered some doll kits in hopes that i could make up a doll for each kiddo for the holidays. they have arrived but are sitting in the box unopened because i told myself that i would not open that project up until the blanket was done. first of all so i didn’t distract myself and fall into my habit of not finishing what i started. secondly because i am scared that i will open the box and realize that there is no way i am going to pull off a crafting project of this magnitude (twice) in the next few weeks.

ok, so come forth and leave your vote in comments. declare this blanket complete and open the doll box or continue the zen like activity or seaming this blanket around and around and around and around?

monday happy making

this morning i was driving early early but it was early early new time which isn’t quite as early old time.  it was cold out but not freezing still and the sun had come out bright.  suddenly, it was the most beautiful november morning in new england.  it started as i crossed the charles river at one of my favorite little spots where there is a million year old train tracks crossing a few yards away.  the mist was rising off the river and the sun was lighting up the yellow leaves on the trees as though they had their own internal wattage.  i wished i had my camera for a moment but then instead i thought why not just take it into my self instead.  beauty.

 

the rest of the drive i kept my eyes open on the present surrounding me and i just tried to stay focused on appreciating the beauty of the nature that surrounds me in the area i live in.  grounding in mother earth.  searching for the kind of joy that comes easily reflected off the inspiration of the natural world.

 

i hope you all find some happiness this monday.

 

 

 

it hurts so good

i will let you in on a little secret. most mornings the kids are up early and flash gathers them up into their joyous little bundles of wakefulness and takes them downstairs to sleep while i stay in bed, stretch out in whatever direction i want, and sleep alone for a bit. ahhhhhhhhh. (in my defense i have historically handled about 98.7% of the nighttime parenting so this morning lie in is just the way our system works here.)

now remember not to long ago i joined the gym? well, i have found this sunday morning cardio class that i have taken to attending. the class is at 8 in the morning and i am no good without some food, coffee and water before i attend so it means i need to be up early. handily, my kids tend to wake up at that time. so, a little routine has developed in which i am the one who bundles their wakefulness down stairs on sundays and flash has the option of sleeping late(r). i have my breakfast, coffee, and water and then i submit myself up to eve so she can find ways to demolish me.

seriously, this class kicks my – um, bum(?) hardcore. the first time i went i was fairly sure i was going to die about fifteen minutes into it but i keep going back. you know what is crazy? even though my working out is way less consistent than i would like this sunday morning class is getting slightly more manageable. i still want to die at some point but it tends to be a little later on than the fifteen minute mark and a new thing has started to happen — the endorphin rush that comes from a seriously good cardio workout.

i wait patiently for it to come. i know, during the “uh oh i am dying” moment that if i keep at it the next thing will be the calm lift into “i feel good. i am strong.” well you know, if you have felt this (also sometimes called runner’s high) that it is good stuff and words are not doing it justice.

so i get up early, i go the gym, i push myself to my limit, i survive and i come home to listen to flash tease me about my red face.

the strangest thing is happening. this little routine that started out for me as some kind of self induced torture is becoming my favorite day of the week. it is not getting easy by any stretch of my imagination but darn if i haven’t come to feel my best on sundays.

hold on a second, i think even on sunday i might be having fun. sneaky sneaky universe.

guess what? i am having fun.

iphone photo

in the last few days i have been taking note of moments that could potentially feel exhausting or stressful but do not need to. yes, the potential is there and i am sure at times it will be met full on. but other times i am actually having fun. if i can just relax, be ok with everything, and realize it. you know, let go of the things on the list that are not and just have a moment of clarity that this is good.

the other day my younger neighbors were outside having the kind of laid back and slightly irresponsible fun that twenty-somethings can have in the late afternoon. i was also outside, but i was managing a two-kids-one-bike situation. if you know what i mean. i kept glancing over at their 4 o’clock beers and wishing i could go back to those days when the only person i was taking care of was myself.

then, i asked myself to really remember what that time in my life was like. yes, it had nice moments but it doesn’t hold a candle to my life now. my life full of a kind of richness of love i couldn’t have imagined then. my own family. my children. as if sensing my shift in perspective the bean decided to pull a stroller out of the garage to push around and he let the pea mess around with his bike. (does she want to sit on it and ride? no of course not! she wants to stand in the back bucket – or alternatively try to stand behind it and push it around.)

yesterday i packed up the kids and several bags of supplies and trekked into flash’s place of work for a little halloweening. the bean was so excited to see daddy’s office and to wear a costume and trick or treat. i had diapers, costumes, extra clothes, snacks, drinks, pajama’s, you name it – filling up three bags organized by time of need. i worried that it would be too much. too much for who? maybe for them making them cranky and then for me trying to keep it all flowing ok. i stressed out a bit but i did my best to stay positive and go for it.

there were, of course, moments that were less then pleasant (driving home in rush hour traffic with a fifteen month old who still does not like being in the car is so fun!) but all in all it was nice. it was a fun change of pace for me and the kids. we decided to stop on the way home at a pizza place we like and as we unloaded the kids and figured out what bag was needed for dinner i called across the car to flash, “guess what? i think i am having fun!”

it felt so good. to realize i was having fun. everyone was ok. we were a family out in the world having fun. i know, this is pretty simple stuff, but isn’t it sometimes so hard to grasp the simplest aspects of our existence? the house waiting for us to return to it was a mess, the bags had gotten all mixed up, chickpea had spilled about three cups of car snacks all over the place, it was later than the kids usually eat and guess what? it was ok. it was not just ok it was fun.

chickpea at the office (gratuitous pig tail shot!)

trick or treat

flash might think i am off my rocker this weekend. already today i have told him two more times “hey, i am having fun! are you?” but, it certainly won’t be the first time he has wondered about me and i think i am on to a good practice here. the ability to be in the present moment and notice the joy lingering all around me.

how about you? anyone else out there having any fun?

sometimes i wonder…

sometimes i am bouncing around the internet reading blogs and online articles and i happen upon yet another example that makes me wonder why we all feel like it is fine to be mean.  i don’t want to live in a world without disagreement and debate.  i don’t think that if we smile and accept everything the world will be a better place.

i do believe that if we try hard enough we can find ways to express disagreement without belittling the person on the other side of the argument.  i believe it is possible to fight fair.  i believe we can teach more and learn more if we agree not to hit below the belt.

i wonder why people think the only way to make their point is by calling people who disagree with them names.

yesterday i read such a post.  the author belittled people who feel differently than she does on the topic and then used fear and blame to try to strong arm her readers into seeing things her way.  maybe she was joking around some.  maybe she was being flip.  maybe she was thinking the strong voice would catch our attention and make us think.

it did make me think. it made me think damnit don’t be mean.

call me what you like. i am going to keep putting my energy into creating a world where we all disagree with kindness in our hearts and our words.