yesterday we drove about a half hour away to meet some people organizing a waldorf homeschooling co-op. we met them at a mass audubon site that i had never been to before. while there some kids ran around a small garden area (mine were plastered my my side), we sat at a picnic table in the woods for a snack, and we spent some time observing a robin we found near the public restroom available in the original home on the property that now seems to be offices and classrooms.
on the way home there was a conversation about what things are made of. tap tap on the car window, “is this made of plastic or glass?” and so on. perhaps inspired by our morning immersion in nature perhaps just weary of answer questions i stumbled up the answer, “everything is made of energy.”
and then the conversation shifted, “is a duck energy?” yes. “is a mailbox energy?” yes. “is my carseat energy?” yes. “is the road energy?” yes. and so on and so on. it sounds monotonous but it really was kind of soothing. because everything is energy and somehow i find that truth mostly makes me feel light and free.
thoughts are also energy and i do believe that each thought we have has its own affect on the energy that is our universe. every single thought. based on this belief i find that i am drawn to the idea that sending white light and positive energy towards the area experiencing a natural disaster or a person who is struggling is much more helpful than feeling pity or overwhelming sorrow. i believe that and i try to act on it.
but sometimes your horse is sick, and each time you think he might be getting better it seems to turn out that he is not. sometimes you are trying to help your mom decide if it is worth the enormous expense to admit your horse to the large animal hospital where they might have a better chance of figuring out what is wrong with him. then you will be deciding if it is worth treating. what his quality of life will be like. or also, is the trailer ride to the hospital too much? and also he is going to hate the hospital and being away from his herd. and also if he is going to be euthanized i want him to be on the property he knows in south carolina not at some animal hospital georgia.
then despite your belief in positive energy you find yourself feeling heartbroken, overwhelmed by grief, lost and confused and shocked that suddenly these are the decisions you are making. wasn’t i just riding him the other day? wasn’t i just down there and he was fine?
so you go into the playroom where there is a couch that your kids are not already sitting on and you have a good long cry. what is there to do but cry. and as you are crying you also knowing that the energy you want to send to this being that you love so much that is currently in pain, suffering, struggling is not the energy of grief and heartbreak. you want to lift him up with the power of the healing light you are sending him. you want to send him strength and love.
as you cry you also start to pray, “all loving universe please transform the energy i am creating into healing white light for lucky. please transform the energy into clean strong healing energy. all loving univerese please transform this intense heart ache into love and lightness that brings him some peace and comfort. please please transform and heal.”
then you smudge his alter again, throw away the lunch you can’t eat, and make some tea. everything is energy and all energy is transformable. i do believe.