some days are more of a struggle. some days it is harder to remember how to do this new project, the one where i am learning to love myself no matter what. today i went for a run and then later i drove the same route to see what the mileage was. i should have been excited for myself – look how far i have come in the last two months – but instead i was disappointed that it hadn’t run farther.
for lunch i ate some more of the lovely mexican stew i made last night for dinner. it is nice and tasted good but when i was done i got upset with myself thinking i have been indulging more in food in the last few days and that means i am not going to have lost any weight this week. never mind enjoying a satisfying lunch after going for a 25 minute run this morning. instead i was busy feeling crappy about my weight.
feeling crappy about my weight made me want to eat some sweets. or make a fruit smoothie. but i am not in the mood to make a smoothie because i don’t want to clean it up. and my house is a mess!
instead i cut myself up an apple and then decided i wanted to eat it at my desk. i put it in one of the kids small plastic bowls. then i started thinking about how silly it is that we still use plastic for the kids plates and bowls when i think i am all “green” around the house. how can i still be using this ikea plasticware for my children? never mind that i use (mostly) cloth diapers, cloth wipes, cloth napkins, and even cloth paper towels! i recycle, i compost, i use all natural cleaners but today – oh today – i have to beat myself up over a few pieces of plasticware.
i don’t know what it is today.
i don’t know where my mean spiritedness is coming from.
i do know that i can love myself. i do know that i am able to quiet those voices and instead feel joy. so, without further ado i think i’ll decide to do that with the rest of my day.
and if i fail, for surely on a day like today i will fail again and again, if i fail then i will learn to love myself for failing.