sometimes as i am going about my normal hectic day i suddenly start writing a blog post in my mind. i notice something, or have an idea, or a moment of clarity and i just start the post in my head. then the next day i sit down while the pea naps and i try to think of something to write about and my mind is blank. i know i had an idea yesterday and i even remember sometimes what it was related to but it seems so obvious and simplistic i can’t quite believe i had anything to say about it.
all the best teachings seem to recycle through my life and i learn them again and again. each time i think, oh wow that is so nice. and then, i’ll share it on my blog.
but when i sit down to share it i hesitate to repeat things said so much better by others. and potentially the same things i always say.
yesterday afternoon the bean was pushing my buttons in his new and deeply gifted four year old self way. i was getting myself into a nice combination of frustrated, angry, and irritated. it was lovely. this is not really new. his energy has shifted to being more expansive and he is much more interested in testing my boundaries and just being generally disagreeable to my desires. yesterday he had pulled all the pillows off the couch for bouncing. then he wanted to put one of the dining room chairs on the couch. i wouldn’t allow it and i told him it was not safe. he was pretty upset and i was in one of those spots where i was asking myself why i wouldn’t allow it. is it really dangerous? i decided to tell him he could put one of the small chairs that came with our kid sized table on the couch. as i told him this i felt a huge chunk of something free up in my chest. being with him felt so much more fun when i was able to let go of, “should i be allowing this?”
i wish i could explain how it felt when i sat with this for a moment. it was like taking a blanket of darkness off my body. i made a mental note to myself that i wanted to play around with the idea. i think as the bean continues to test and test i get into a defensive stance and i keep trying to get him to stop. stop pushing. stop trying. stop being so independent. the more i feel like he is acting out the tighter down i clamp. what if i could free myself up a bit and give him more freedom too?
it’s not a solve all but i think it helped some. the thing was for some reason i was able to let go of my irritations as the moments passed. he would do something, or not do something i wanted him to, or whatever and i would flare up. then it would pass by on the stream of the day and i was able to move on to the next moment. instead of getting more and more angry i just went up a little and back to ok over and over.
i don’t know what worked. was it the decision to be less concerned about being permissive? was it the decision to try to enjoy more fun? was it just more practice with this new version of my beanie boy?
this morning he didn’t want to get dressed and i caught myself thinking, “he really should get dressed.” so i ditched my efforts. i asked, “are you warm enough?” and he said, “yes.” then i encouraged him to tell me if he got cold or decided he wanted more clothes on. he agreed that he would. guess what, he is wearing clothes now and i am not grumpy at him. hmmmmmmmmm.
last night i stayed up late reading cesar millan. love love love me some cesar milan. the guys is totally woowoo but he sneaks in with his behavioralism and it WORKS. he is rockin’ the woowoo.
i am so excited and nervous about adding this mini doglet to our family. i can’t wait for saturday afternoon to arrive so that he is here and yet i worry that we are not ready. i hope that being with him and feeling his energy in our physical proximity will ease my worries and help me feel secure that this truly was the right step for us.
meanwhile a whole gang of people (including the kids) have enjoyed coming up with names for him. so far he is “rolly, (sweet baby) james. fergus, rigo, drinking water, climbing up tree for ball, castle”. that really rolls off the tongue right?