this morning i took the kids a few towns over to look for new summer shoes, stroll the shop lined streets, and enjoy the sunshine. they really stuck by me and went along with my plans for the most part but i still found myself emailing flash at the end of the trip, “one hour in wellesley with the kids feels like one full day.”
yesterday afternoon we walked to the park. when i got there i noticed a group of women i didn’t recognize and who immediately triggered my i-am-not-like-them radar. (do you know that feeling?) they were dressed so perfectly with manicured nails and long just so hair and designer sporty flats. before we left i overheard them complaining about the “local earth mother types” who sometimes allow their children to be “naked!!!!” at the nearby pond during the summer. “DISGUSTING.”
i was insulted and hurt to hear them talking like that. i walked home in a huff and i snapped at the kids when they accidentally tripped me as we unloaded the stroller. oh gosh, i wanted to call up one of my friends and tell her the story and call these other mom’s some choice names. i wanted to be able to say, “earth mothers and nudity is BETTER than manicures and nannies and name calling!”
i challenged myself to sit with it though. i acknowledged that i felt like they were talking about me and so my feelings were hurt. i thought about how i believe that my calling them names would be no better than feeling like they were calling me names. i thought about how i want space in the world for mother’s to be supportive of each other despite differences in parenting choices, in life style choices, even in attire. i told myself that calling up my posse to badmouth this posse didn’t change a thing. what might be change would be NOT doing that.
i don’t know how well i did. i didn’t call my friend but i still felt a lot of animosity. oh well, baby steps.
i know i will face these women again so i will have ample time for practice. maybe there will be others like them another day at the park or maybe it will just be the echo of their condemnation when i let my young child play naked for a moment on the local pond beach when i get her out of the swim diaper and into dry clothes. either way i am prepared to tell myself that it is ok that my feelings are hurt. also, it is ok for people to feel differently about things. maybe, on a really good day, i’ll find a mom with a manicure and a nanny who thinks my naked baby is totally inappropriate and i will smile at her. that should be my goal.
remember awhile ago i started my little daily planner project? well, this weekend i found the time to finish them up. here are a few snapshots to give you an idea of how they turned out.
i had a few copies of each day made so i can try using them and see how they feel to me. on the originals i got right up to the edges of the page and some of that got lost on the copies but i almost liked that. i kept telling myself to enjoy this project instead of getting caught up in wanting it all to be perfect and this felt like a nice reminder. imperfect copies and all i am so happy with it!
ahhhh sweet imperfect life.
i was awake in the middle of last night worrying about things that might be and then the pea reached out for me, wanting to climb onto me and have her milkies, and so i assumed our middle of the night feeding position. i wasn’t annoyed that she was up. i was comforted to be touching her. i realized that no matter what life brings us i am happy to be spending my time and energy with and on my children. where ever they are i can be and be okay. then i fell asleep.