not too long ago i felt like my blog had a rhythm and a pace that fit me so nicely. i felt like i had landed in a way. landed on the form and function of this space.
then it just slipped away and suddenly i had naught. what i had was a place i used to feel good about and now felt grey about again. what i had was the question, yet again, why? why? why?
i toy with taking a break or closing down simply to reconnect with the reason i started. i also know that i fail to value myself fairly often and i don’t want to box away my blog simply because i don’t like myself enough to carry on. truly, typing it out can’t hurt anyone. the readers dwindle as i loose my way anyway so they are already gone. caught up, i am sure, in a person who is hitting their stride not lacking it.
the last few days i have felt so irritable with my children. i want to shift that back to where it belongs. rooted in connection and attachment and love. i feel like all kinds of should’s are in my way and i can’t even sit down and face what they are so i can’t move them away. i think vaguely, “just find ways of saying yes.” or, “let go of how you imagined things going so you can let things be as they are.” then the thought slips away in the grey and i am back to my barking and snapping.
i even threatened the bean this morning. i told him if he didn’t get dressed i would cancel the playdate he was SO looking forward to. it just came rushing out as the anger inside me came rushing up to my face. then the words were sitting there like a great pile of crap in between us and he started to cry. thinking about it now i want to cry. what is going on inside me that is making me take things out on my children?
i don’t know. i don’t have it all. i have little pieces. something about this final weekend at school didn’t sit nicely with me. it was a celebration of a group of people about to enter a professional helping realm and i am a person who is at home with her children. there was a lot of talk about the value of helping clients, social justice, radical care – it was inspiring and isolating. i felt completely apart from the point of the weekend and i felt like sharing what i do with my time would be silly.
maybe now i am back home thinking my work here is silly.
maybe i am still somehow ashamed that i “downgraded” my degree in order to earn it?
maybe i am surprised and confused to realize that something beside parenting inspires me?
maybe i am feeling like ending this part of my schooling means i am supposed to know what i am doing with my life and yet i do not know? does being a parent count? if it doesn’t then what am i doing? even it does is it all i need right now? is it all i want?
if it is not all i want is now the time to seek more?
do i really want more or do i feel the pressure of a society that does not value my work?
ok, i think i feel insignificant.
if i am feeling insignificant than it is highly frustrating when my children (to whom i am dedication my life which i guess is insignificant work but at least it could be significant to them) blow me off and reinforce my insignificance.
the truth is that significance comes from the self.
even if it would have been nice to be seen and recognized at some point over the weekend.
still i need to let it go.
if i can untie myself from the time i spent there and from the negative aspects of it then maybe i can free myself from some of the should’s that are haunting me.
here at my home i belong.
i know, even if my children do not DO as i ask them to they love me. they are wonderful people discovering their own selves. my role is to be with them as they discover not to ask them to stay in line. if i love my children as much as i do then the work of loving them, raising them, wiping their hands and their bottoms, showing them how to live a life – it is good work to do.
i think my assignment for today is becoming clear.
be nice to yourself.
remember how to love yourself just as you are.
when you get there you will be able to spread that love onto the people around you.
and even if it takes awhile to get there.
that is ok.
love yourself anyway.
if this blog is for me then it makes sense to use the space for my greater good.
and if you have hung with me as i have wandered away from a nice figured out place and back into a mess of twisted up posts then i do hope that somehow what helps me might help you.
and if you are already gone – may you walk in beauty.