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Archive for March 16th, 2010

i am trying to fill out the forms and get organized to complete my master’s degree finally — again.

each time i work on this process i struggle so much.  my friend aptly said it was like i trying to go upstream while dragging my anchor through the sand.  yep.

i wish i didn’t make it so hard on my self.  i wish i was less emotionally messed up about it.  i wish i could just fill out the forms and take the class and do it with some joy and pride and be done and feel grateful for the classes i took and the work i did and the degree i get.

the truth is that is not where i am at about it.  and even though i haven’t changed my crazy mixed up feelings  just talking through it a little bit and bringing more awareness to where i am at shifted things.  i didn’t have to Change to change.  i just had to see a little more clearly what pieces of the management team i am working with, thank them for their help, honor their concerns, ask them if they might be able to feel safe quieting down, and remember to like myself despite my vast archipelago of slightly insane self defense team members.

are you struggling with something these days?  are you dragging yourself upstream with your anchor down in the sands?  are you frustrated that you can’t just Change how you are or Change what is in your way and so you shut your eyes and continue slugging up your path just hoping that the way you are will work out in the end?

we all do it sometimes i think.  here i was this morning doing it myself and pretending not to know any better – actually i wasn’t pretending, i didn’t know any better.  i needed help.  i needed my friend to happen to answer the phone when i called with a specific question about the form i was working on and then to realize i needed a little more help than that and then say a few insightful things.

those insights opened my eyes just enough.  and then i remembered my totally amazing therapist who i haven’t seen in way too long telling me last fall that sometimes what i needed to do was sit with awareness of what wasn’t working.  just watch it – not force myself to find the right way to change Now.  through this practice i realized that just watching, just being aware, shifted the power and allowed the space for change.  maybe not Change, but change.  and sometimes that is enough for today.

sometimes you have to fight to change.  sometimes you don’t.  sometimes you just have to watch the resistance and allow yourself your own pace.

and with your own pace a good dose of peace, love and joy.

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