tomorrow morning we will wake up and get in the car and drive the 2.5 hours to the airport. then we will get on a plane and fly north. then we will collect our baggage and get in a car and drive the forty-five minutes or so to our house.
tomorrow we go home.
i am filled with mixed emotions. i am so excited to see sofia, and our yellow house, and the bedroom that flash painted while we were away. i am looking forward to reconnecting with my friends who live in my town and their children who feel kind of like more of my children in a funny way. i know that as soon as we leave the city roads on the drive home, as soon as we get off the highway and onto the roads i have been on since the days right after i was born my whole body will respond in the softening kind of way it does when i am home.
on the roads in the area i have called home since i was born. driving to the exact town i have called home for the last fifteen plus years. i feel like the land and my spirit are tied so tightly together that they ping back together with the electricity of a stretched rubber band when i return. suddenly everything shifts back into place and i feel so clearly that i can remember who i am.
the funny thing is that for the last few weeks flash and i have tossed around the idea of relocating to a different area. to an “easier climate.” and it has felt so much less terrifying than it would ever have felt to me before. i have said to him over and over though, i have to tell you how seriously open to it i am while i am here because i know i will get home and tell you the whole idea is crazy and i will never ever ever leave home. i simply cannot do it.
or maybe i could. but i don’t have to decide that now.
yes, it will be nice to see my bed, my couch, my sewing machine, my desk, my ball that is inflated to the right size for me, a sweatshirt besides the ONE i packed for myself, my favorite bagel store, the meat from my csa share in the freezer waiting for me. it will be so nice to look out the windows and see my own yards. i know i will spend time just sitting there looking around and greeting everything.
but oh, how we will miss some things here. these doggies. the horses and donkey right in the backyard! the days with no coats on. the wide open sky. the sounds of my mom waking up in the morning and the joy with which the children turn to me in the bed and say, “gran gran is up! i hear her! i hear rhyson and lacey! let’s go see!” we will surely miss her – gran gran – the main attraction down here. cafe rio blanco. the sandbox that came into being while we lived here. our afternoons outside helping with poop pick up and hay pile making. the local yarn shop that i have come to like so much. the sun shine in the afternoon on the back deck. impromptu ice cream parties on the front porch at four. the occasional kids dinner time outdoor picnic. the occasional afternoon back porch beer and pretzels. the occasional walk off the property into the woods behind. the moments out in the front paddock jumping the cavaletti (on foot). the way the kids find poop, name who probably made it, and run to find gran gran to she can clean it up. “gran gran, we found a poop. a doggie poop! i marked it with a pinecone!”
i will miss the way my time here always speaks to me of possibility. some how, leaving home behind and living here for a bit makes me see what i could be. who i could be. where i could be. instead of just fitting into the old versions of me like a hand in a glove i feel all this space open up to create other versions. refined versions. believing versions. emboldened versions.
so it is t minus one. we leave in the morning. i need to wake up the pea and finish packing. i need to find a way to say good bye.
there will most likely be some silence here as we travel home and get settled in. or else, i will be on all the time writing my way through the transition. either way, i hope you’ll hang with me.
peace to you and yours as we say good bye to january and welcome february. peace, love and joy.
~ woowoo of the mama varietal