yesterday afternoon was cold with those high clear south carolina skies. we were outside helping with the chores and in the fresh air and i suddenly realized i needed to breathe. deep deep breaths. in my sudden need to breathe i also felt the tension in my body and my mind and in the moment of clarity i wanted to explore. what is going on with me here? i am struggling and i am mad at myself and the world that i am struggling.
we have been here, in south carolina, at my parents home, for over two weeks now. we come down here each winter for a stretch of time and i have learned that it takes the kids and i about two weeks to adjust. this year, we came down early for the holidays and so flash spent two weeks here and i had naively thought that meant that by the time he left we would be adjusted and ready to dive into a wonderful four weeks of pleasant rhythm, nicer weather, and sparse toys. i know, it sounds a little funny when i type it out here but truly i was imagining these four weeks would be a nice waldorf trial period for me/us. there is less stuff here because we don’t live here. bean is not in school here. the days stretch out wide open with no commitments and plenty of time.
the reality has been much less – smooth. yes, we were here for two weeks with flash but yesterday in the wide open sky mid chores breathing moment i realized that the adjustment to life here without flash is happening now. the children miss him of course and have very little verbal ability to share that with me. i miss him. also, i am doing all of the parenting all the time. all night, at 5:45 when pea wakes for the day, all day, dinner time, bath time, bed time and through the night and all the night wakings that are happening right now. i know it will be ok but to be fair i should give my body, my self, my mind, some time to adjust to this. i should be kind to myself and loving as i transition and the kids transition instead of allowing myself to slip down the slope of, “why isn’t this just how i dreamed it would be?”
in my dreams i was in aiken and i suddenly became this perfectly attached parent who had a beautiful waldorf rhythm to her days and weeks with the kids. we were singing songs while we helped keep the house nice, baking treats, and spending hours outside playing and knitting. ahhhh, it was going to be so pleasant.
yesterday i thought about this several times after i realized it. what i wanted to do what let go of what i thought this time “should” be like so that i could enjoy the moments of what it is. the pea is not sleeping well but i’ve been through this before and i know i can handle it just fine. i have even enjoyed coming up with ways to make our mornings easier as i adjust to waking up so early with them after the sleepless nights. no, we are not having circle time, i am not suddenly a waldorf master, i have snapped at the bean a few times when i shouldn’t, and it is too cold to sit outside knitting while they play.
that all is true. but as i was pushing the wheelbarrow full of horse poop to the manure pit yesterday, with the pine trees towering over me it was like the universe reached out to me and said “see how the skies are clear and wide open here. let your heart be just the same.”
and so it was.
what i love about waldorf is the inclusion of nature in life. following the seasons and the rhythm of mother earth herself. i love my understanding that our role is to nurture the spirit of each child as it develops. to cherish the coming into, to allow it to expand in a fully supported environment, embraced by our love and comforted by the ebb and flow of our days. what i am drawn to is the simplicity i sense in waldorf style homes.
i need to stop pressuring myself to do things just so. i need to take it easy so that i can more present with what truly is for myself, for us, right now. if i could lower the bar of what i think things should look like, what should be getting done, what should be happening, how i should be feeling. if i can just provide us all with gentle support then i would free myself up to feel — too feel lighter. to let my heart open itself up in moments of clarity instead of clinging to the strings that tie to some other picture i thought would be.
hello woowoo mama, you know i love you. i just wanted to tell you that you don’t have to try so hard. if you can allow yourself to let go you will be certain to find that your mood lightens and you gain some moments of ease. how about if we aim to do our best, to have moments that are wonderful, and to allow the days to unfold as they will? not on a perfectly mapped plan but on a path guided by our hearts, helping spirits, and prayers of peace. why not chose to be that mama?
so i was recentered and refocused and relaxed by that moment of connection with the universe and by the feeling of mother nature in all her glory surrounding me. life is precious and gifted to us in every moment we allow it to be. i swear it is true.