today i feel so listless. there is plenty to do, and some of it would even be fun, but i just can’t get past my listlessness. last night the bean was up for about an hour coughing and not able to sleep. i got so mad and then i turned to him and told him to “stop coughing or you have to go to your room!” he sat up in the bed and i thought he was going to leave but instead he turned towards me and covered his face with his hands and started to sob.
oh yes, it was such a proud moment for me.
i scooped him up in my arms and rocked him. i whispered into his ear that i was so sorry and i was tired and i made a mistake. i told him i was right there with him, “mama is here. mama is here with you.” i slid him down my lap just enough that his head could rest on my chest. i held him like he was a baby and i rocked him for awhile and said “shhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhh.” he stopped crying easily and his head was heavy on my chest. as we rocked with him more upright his coughing calmed down and i knew, in a moment, that i would hold him upright until he fell asleep. ten minutes later i stacked some pillows up behind my back and i reclined a bit. i had already been up with him for almost an hour and now i was committed to staying up with him until he was soundly asleep in arms.
how many nights, when he was a baby, had i done this. even as he got to be a toddler any time he was sick he tended to get his cough and he liked to be held while he slept. how had i so quickly forgotten that and turned into the mama scolding him for having a cough? instead of thinking i had failed him i held him close. i has said my apology and it was time to forgive myself. his breathing cleared and deepened and soon whole minutes were passing without a cough. all the irritation and self pity i had been feeling seemed to ease out of my own body as his body softened into sleep. instead i felt our connection reestablish as we rested there skin to skin. just like you would calm an infant.
as things settled i realized that i needed to do something for myself soon. something to recharge. flash is in china for work and sleep has not been great and i stayed up lateish on friday spending some time with a friend who stopped by after the kids were asleep and really late (for me) on saturday when i had the chance to go to a dance party and my parents were kind enough to sit on my living room couch so i could get out (the party started hours after my kids early bedtime). so yes, i might be tired but that is not it. i can’t put my finger on it. it just feels like i can’t find the thing that lights up my day. i could work on my knitting but i am not inspired by it today. i could start the dolls but they seem equally like a task. i have plenty of laundry to deal with and tidying i could do and food i could cook. there is no shortage of things on my list but there is a shortage of inspiration.
i was hoping that by writing it out here i would find my way to something like resolution. i would write my way to the thing that might help me recharge my battery. maybe it is time to break out that wool i bought for my shawl and knit something just for me. maybe. yes, hmmmmmm, perhaps that would be a nice way to spoil myself. and maybe i just want a little spoiling…
i know i do not want to wake up to bean’s coughing tonight (it has been happening nightly) and be mean. at least i learned that. that instead of huffing and turning away the solution was to hold him close and baby him. to see how young he still is and remember he is my spirited little one who thrives on touch.
and also, maybe a little listlessness is just part of life and instead of fighting against it and trying to fix it i could sit with it. it is nice outside – when chickpea wakes up maybe we can go outside and lay on our picnic blanket and look for clouds.
ok, this post seems to be without coherence but i am publishing it anyway – it is as listless as i am. so be it.