i have a therapist. it is a good thing. he is so onto me it makes me laugh sometimes. i think, if i sat down with me once a week and was able to watch i could probably see a lot of what he sees. but you know, i am too busy being me. i have my crew here, all the management team parts, and the voices in my head – we are trying to run a tight ship.
i tell him, “i am a good mother.”
but instead it sounds like, “i am a good mother?”
and it turns out that what i really think is that i have the potential to be a good mother but i don’t live up to it. it turns out that i think i have to get everything just so all the time and that i am in the habit of trying to think ahead of the game and be prepared for just in case. i don’t think of myself as a perfectionist. i am more likely to describe myself as lazy and a bit messy and totally disorganized. (aren’t i so loving?) i don’t think of myself as a perfectionist but yet i seem to hold myself to some pretty high standards.
as we pieced through the baggage i surround my true self with this morning, i shared the story of how i came to locate the joy in waking up early the other morning. i explained that it was not just a one off and that i enjoyed being up early (not as early) again this morning. it feels nice really. i just embrace the day, accept life as it is, and assume that if i am tired later i will deal with that.
“it is beautiful,” he told me. then he tried to show me that finding other little ways to do that for myself, in all areas of my life, would be a nice gift.
“so the trick is figuring out what to let go of,” i realized out loud. and again in my head a million times since then. the trick for me is going to be figuring out what doesn’t have to be perfect. and what i do like just so. and how to be happy with things when they are what they are and to trust that i will deal with what is when it is. in my head i am running a list. would i like to let go of cooking great meals? or my cloth diapers? or trying to limit the tv so much?
but, maybe i don’t have to create a list of what i should let go of. maybe i have to live my life each day. reborn each day. and on that day i should let go of what needs to be let loose. focus on what feels right. and accept what is as it is.
as we were wrapping up i said, “ok so i got this one little thing with the kids waking up right and now i need to figure out how to apply it to all of my life.”
“well, just a few moments here and there of getting it would be nice,” he assures me.
then i have to laugh. i run a tight ship. i want to get it done right now. if letting go is the right move i better apply the lesson to everything, correctly, as soon as possible.
i guess the truth is that i have to let go while also letting go of letting go. and try not to get in my own way.
note: the bean learned about pirates at school this spring and it has become one of his favorite games. so we are often calling each other “matey.”