it has been pouring rain here on and off today, another gray and overcast day in new england. i confessed yesterday that i was tired and this morning when the bean woke me up extra early, and also woke up chickpea in the process, and then stood in the hallway yelling at me to take him downstairs, i was fairly feisty in letting him know i was not pleased. then he cried a little bit and the voices in my head started to be angry with me for not being a perfect mother and then i decided to just forgive myself, and forgive him, and get us through it. fantastically, it worked, and we came out the other side of the whole upset within a few minutes and we both felt better.
a short while later he told me he had to tinkle. so perhaps, perhaps if i had just listened first instead of yelling, but anyway.
it has been raining here on and off all day but i feel less foggy than i have in a while. maybe since the whole blog bashing incident. it could be that marks the beginning of the fog settling in on me a bit. not a depression fog but a kind of bumbling around and not doing very well at my job (parenting) fog. feeling like i am getting through each day without much enjoyment. and that is so not the kind of parenting i want to be doing.
a taste of getting back to the kind of parenting i want to be doing is what has lifted me up today. last night i started reading a nice book on parenting preschoolers that @janefriar told me to check out. (heaven on earth) i have just scratched the surface of what i think this book might have to offer me but it is just the inspiration i need. it is a perfect fit for where i am at right now. i was underlining things and scratching notes in the margins and everything. i was looking forward to getting at it the next day (just not SO early)!
the best part about today is that i have used a few tiny little things i picked up from my reading last night and they have worked.
or the best part is that we are having a really nice day together.
or the best part is that i have made a few decisions today based on thinking about what the kids need not what i might have thought i wanted to do, and we have all been happier.
or the best part is feeling like, yes, i can do this.
or the best part is enjoying their company instead of wondering how soon they will go to sleep.
or the best part of the day is that chickpea just woke up and bean said “now can we do my fire engine?” and i get to say yes, and mean it.