before i left for my vacation i spent some time trying to decide if i wanted to bring my trusty laptop with me. the house we were renting out west had wireless internet to offer and my laptop is certainly portable so it wasn’t about whether i wanted to pack it but about if i wanted a chance to break my own connection to the internet. i have not felt like i am out of balance, i wasn’t concerned that it was getting in the way of my parenting or other real relationships, but still i toyed with the gut feeling that time away would serve me well. that reconnecting with only the world i can touch and hear would be grounding for me – a person who has a tendency to get a little floaty.
in the end i decided without hesitation to leave her at home. i shut her down the night before we left and she rested the whole time i was away. as the days passed i stopped wondering what i was missing. i lost concern for the world, the world here on the internet, that was surging on without me. because this world does move fast, as fast as all these people can think and type and spread and post. i knew that the name woowoo mama was fading from people’s minds, that the number of hits on my blog was sinking down to the zero line, that i might have to rebuild readership, that i might lose a lot of followers on twitter, that when i finally did log back in i would be lost and behind and unhip. and for a few hours all those thoughts had me nervous, for a day or two i was concerned, and then i just waded out of the water and on to dry land.
on dry land my family stood around me. some of my family that usually i can only find easily on the internet was right there to eat and laugh with. and on dry land there was sunshine, games with the kids, coffee breaks, potty accidents, a new hat, the beach (funnily enough), a visit with an old friend, time to read books, and space for my brain to slow the heck down. i am actually a pretty insecure person in some ways, and one way is that i don’t like to feel “out of the loop.” if i am on the internet blogging, and tweeting, and reading other blogs, i like to feel like i know what is going on. or something. how can that even be possible in a world as vast as the internet? it is not but still i have tried. but once i hit dry land and i took the time to detox from my staying abreast addiction i suddenly had more space, more energy for other things, more clarity.
i missed writing, i missed reading things that inspire, i even missed good tweets. my time on dry land certainly didn’t leave me feeling like i need to walk away from anything that i was doing before. it just gave me the clarity to realize that i am not a strong swimmer. the ocean is vast and beautiful and not something i want to turn my back on. this ocean here. but i don’t swim well. i get disoriented, i get a little panicky, i can’t time my breathing right. honestly, i belong right along the edges where the water meets the land. toe deep.
i turned on my lap top this morning for the first time in nine days. the sound she made booting up was familiar and the cluttered desktop space was all mine. i opened up tweetdeck and sent out a few less than 140 character thoughts. i approved a funny comment on my blog that came in while i was away. i started a mental list of emails i need to reply to, i logged onto meebo to say hi to some friends. my toes are getting wet and i am good with that. this is where you can find me for now. staying close to the shoreline. seeking sand and that lapping water feeling on my ankles.
staying grounded, staying – like my lovely sister in law/cakeissweet kept telling my niece standing on the beach where the waves met the sand – “like a tree.”