the other day i took a moment to check in with the loving universe and her delightful spirits to find out what my daily practice should look like. (more about that here.) i am so glad i asked because i feel like since that time something has shifted for me and life is just a little easier. or, not easier maybe but there is some flow. there is some of that feeling of paddling downstream which i have come to believe is a good sign that i am on the right track. i used to think my desire to always find the path of least resistance was just another sign that i was lazy and terrible but i am starting to see that might not be so. there is a kinder and more truthful way to look at things sometimes. finding the path of least resistance might be a gift not a sign of failing.
so i asked, and i listened to the answer, and i have been doing some work. i have been tending to my garden. my literal, outside my house, planted in the dirt of my land garden. i have been planting, and watering, and watching, and thanking, and listening, and trying and realizing that all of this is a way to say thank you to my land. a way to invite the spirits that belong here to come on home and hang out with us because we will steward this land and live on this land and play on this land and love on this land. and we like company.
the gardening has been so wonderful and where i used to feel a kind of tension and desire to “get it right” i am letting that go and finding the process to be the point. this weekend we dug up another bed in the area surrounding my “dormant tree bed” out front. right now it is the most crazy garden bed with some tiny twig trees just coming to life, a few dusty millers, some seeds there that have not germinated as far as i can tell, a pre=existing kind of scraggly bush that is in bloom, and a lot of exposed and turned earth looking for some life to go in it. oh, and lets not forget the single echinacea i got from my mom’s garden and two little watermelon plants a friend gave me today. really, the area is comical and i should take a photo to show what i mean here.
so there is this garden – totally strange and imperfect and unplanned and not beautiful or refined and it is one of the first things you see when you arrive at our home. and you know what? i am totally cool with it. i’ve been liking walking around in it barefoot with my old metal pitchfork just turning the earth and getting out some stones and thinking that in 5 years i might remember the summer chickpea was not yet one and i was working on starting this particular garden bed. i am not sure where all my stress and tension about gardening went. nor am i saying it is gone for good, i know better than that, but here i am paddling downstream and savoring it.
we had such a nice weekend here and i was feeling so blessed and i kept telling flash how my cup overfloweth. and i totally had that saying wrong and i have no idea if i am getting the gist of it right but i feel like i set my intention well a few times recently and the changes i am feeling are so worth while. asking for help, wanting help, getting help, it can really lift you out of a place where you see no safe options and into a place where you still see the cracks and the fissures but you also see the plenty.
i asked wotw and redbird for help the other day when we were covenish. i asked them to help me with some clearing work on our land and home and to help me to invite the right energy back in. this home was the home to a family that experienced a divorce and then the partner that reminded here simply “let the place go” as our neighbors have described it. i just suddenly got the sense that there was some of that divorce and abandoned energy hanging out here and believe me, that is the last thing my family needs. so i asked for help. i received help. the help really helped. (go figure.) slowly at first and now with gaining strength i feel the energy of my land and within my home changing and shifting and coming to life. coming into itself.
the awareness i bring to the gardening i try to bring to other things as well. to my children and to flash and to how my day is planned and, of course, to my shredding when i can get my buttsky in gear to do it. the last two times i have shredded i have gone right to something redbird said when she was here working with my land. there is the move at the end of level two shred where you are squatting while also lifting your arms, palms facing forward, arms kept straight, up to eye level. in the early stages of aware shredding i determined that my sacroiliac joint really did not want me doing this move holding my 3 pound hand weights. so i put them down. that was ok but yet still almost every part of my self was way too busy hating the move to be able to take a moment to tune into my higher self and see what might make it better. it is the end of the shred, i hate the move (did i mention that) i am tired and irritated by jillian by this point – and dang i hate the move.
finally two shreds ago i came up with something new. i cupped my hands slightly and i set my intention outside of myself. redbird had shared a feeling that the energy of my land had sort of descended more deeply into the land when it felt abandoned and that part of the work was to help this energy rise back up. so i shred it up. i cup my hands, i bend my knees and bring myself closer to the earth on which my home sits, and i raise my hands up bringing the dormant energy up with them. inviting the spirits to raise up as my hands raise up. holding the energy gently in my cupped hands and feeling myself invite it to rise on up. i still battle my ego, i still struggle with that voice in my had saying “i hate this move. this move is probably bad for us. we shouldn’t do it.” i still have to ask her pipe down and remind myself to focus on the lifting energy. it is better though. it feels like the right track. it feels like i found a way to take an upstream moment and just turn the boat right around.
i know, i might sound a little crazy. a part of me agrees with you but i just take a leap of faith and go with it. i go right down stream.
(warning – if you are wotw and you are reading this you might want to skip this paragraph.) and speaking of downstream. the bean has suddenly made huge strides in his potty learning and this allows me to let him eat more cashews because i do not have to live in dread of the gag inducing cashew poop diapers. oh sweet sweet potty. sweet sweet downstream paddle. holy revolting cashew poop.
so yes, there are a lot of truly cool things going on here that make me feel like my cup runneth over. and over. and over. and i got to eat porcini risotto and warm goat cheese and roasted beet salad last night on my date. a date. goat cheese and roasted beets. cashew poops in the potty. mindful shredding. gardening with no expectations. i am on a good page. i am thankful beyond thankful.
thank you universe. and thank you me also. thank you for asking for direction. thank you for seeking out help. you go on and get down with your bad self. with your bad self, and your good self, and your higher self and the loving universe and anything else that wants to get down.
sorry for all the words people. its just how i roll.
peace love JOY. go forth and ask.