she doesn’t like it when i walk away from her anymore. she is starting to cry just because she could see me before and now she can’t. she has never been a crier but she has shown her firey side, and now her separation anxiety seems to come on like a summer storm. one moment we are lazing in the hot sun and then next moment there is the deafening clash of humidity, thunder and rain. she is sad, and angry, at once. she is loud and ravaging. and then i pick her up and she smiles at me with her mouth wide open and a flash of pure joy as the tears are still spilling out her eyes. she shifts so quickly from the sun to the storm and back again and she is a marvel to me.
earlier today she was playing in the same spot as this photo was taken. i walked into the kitchen to get a snack and once she realized i was gone the shouting cries began. i made it back to her at a clip and scooped her up. she is so strong she practically scooped me back. grabbing hold of my sweatshirt front and back, burrowing her head briefly into my chest and emerging with a grin. i had to kiss the few crazy hairs she has on top of her head. and then i sat down on the couch where the bean was camped out. for a moment it was just me and my children. i had them each hugged in tight, i leaned over and inhaled my son’s curls and the heart warmingly familiar scent of the top of his head. time stood still and i was filled to capacity and then some with that feeling a mama has when she is holding her children tightly and everyone is smiling and relaxed. is there a name for this feeling? a feeling with such depth and breadth and that calls you so fully right into the moment and makes the word love seem so inconsequential.
the rest of the day can continue on as any normal day does. but that moment of union stays with me and gives me the extra seconds of patience. the added ability to listen. the boost in energy that i need sometimes. so when i decide i am showering so i can feel pretty like this fellow blogger (i even found some really nice mandarin jasmine shampoo to use) and the pea interrupts my revelry with another separation induced storm i don’t fume and panic and sweat, i just turn off the water and grab my towel and scoop her up. when the bean tries out his glue stick on my mom’s new rug i am not tempted to yell at him, i just ask him to help me clean it up and i bend over to smell those crazy curls again.
tonight flash and i are trying to go out for an early dinner date while my parents watch the kids. and of course, as is typical for me, i am already worried about how they will do without me. wondering if the pea will storm on about my departure. worrying that the bean is not settled enough to make it through witching hour without me. maybe i need to think that the moment that sustains me all day sustains them as well. that the perfect seconds of child mother embrace at the start of the day can feed them through tough moments like it has fed me. maybe i need to trust that all the work i put into a secure attached relationship is just so that they are ready to do this – be at their grandparents home with their adoring and well loved grandparents while mama and dada look for a way to reconnect with each other.
and maybe a moment of connection is what we all need.