i wrote this to participate in an exercise of sorts started over at BlogHer.
i remember all those days i wished we would just stop beating because i was too tired of the darkness to possibly carry on. but you refused to listen to me and continued your work. your hard work. and i filled our body with poison after poison, and i never sought out fresh air, and i hid in the smoke filled room and cut at our skin. just trying to escape from the dark and not having any idea what i was doing. but you knew what to do and you soldiered on and were the muscle that cleaned up all my mess and all my attempts at escape.
even once the fog had lifted enough for me to not want to give up i still wasn’t sure how to be with you. i was certain that the thing to do was make you look pretty and try to give you away. so i tried again and again. with sometimes dire consequences, some near misses, and some time spent tip toeing though the minefields with my eyes closed and just hoping. surely you were kind enough to stay with me though this middle world. even though i was still smoking and also testing your strength with all kinds of foreign chemicals. you still beat right there in my chest.
and it wasn’t until i finally learned to speak and listen with creatures seen and unseen that i finally started to meet you again. the heart i must once have known in young moments half asleep on my bed with my favorite kitty. the heart that had sat with me as i told long stories to the birds by the lake. hello again heart i thought. warmth, light, life, love. hello home. here you are.
and you began to fill me up with the truth. until i saw that i was vibrating so much larger then i had imagined. that we beat light out into the universe and receive it back in. until i was opening up again and breaking down the shell i had lived within and yawning back into the true size of my being. and i saw you, my heart, in everything i looked at. in each person and creature and thing on earth and beyond. i saw you and i recognized you as the one true beauty and truth. the one who had pulled me through the dark and beat through the river of sludge and emerged into the blessing of my simple everyday life.
and finally the clarity that i am you. my heart. love. and life. and my finest most precious moments, my divine, is always in those seconds when i feel the merge and we are one. and understanding that is like a burst of truth and light in my life. a moment that feeds me with peace and carries me forward – always striving to be kinder, and more peaceful, and more true, and more you.
your beauty is wordless which makes this writing moment most difficult but deep beneath the keyboard and the words is the feeling which has touched me and shaped me and held me in ways more powerful and tender then the darkness ever did.
thank you heart. thank you for being me. thank you for being life.