well, the blogging continues but i have been thinking about it some. what i like and don’t like about the process. i have spent a fair amount of time on this one parenting board i like and there when i type something out people tend to respond. which i like. it is like knowing people are listening. or, maybe even more embarassingly important to me, knowing people like me enough to read what i said and give a little shout back. here, in the land of my blog, i get to say a lot more and wax on and on without worrying about how long it would take someone to read and if i am making a good point. but, then, it is a little lonely hearing the way the words just bounce around the empty cavern of my blog.
i have been temped several times to ask people, “pleeeeeeaaaaaase will you leave me a comment if you read?” somehow that might soothe my terrified ego. my sister in law offered to try to help me put some kind of a counting device on here so i can see if people visited because i asked her if it was possible. then even if no one actually writes a comment i will still be able to see a little number that says someone was here. but, did they read? or wait, maybe it was just me stopping by to see if anyone was here? help me i think i might be lonely. and terribly insecure. and completely open to begging for feedback that sounds something like this, “hey woo woo i think you are ok.”
wow, you have to love how just the act of blogging for a few days has brought a number of my neurosis to the surface for examination. here are the two voices in my head:
1. ok let’s take a minute to write about why we care if people like us. and let’s figure out how to feel ok about ourself even if no one ever reads this blog. ever.
2. well here we have the perfect opening to ask people to leave a comment so we are not lonely! why would we spend our time saying we are ok? then people might be here and read that and not say hi and we will still be lonely. what is wrong with you 1?!?
i had a pretty spot-on supervisor at my internship site back when i was working on my masters degree (an unfinished thing) who noticed my fear of being alone pretty early on. he also knew about how i was interested in working with my helping friendly spirits and so he said to me, kindly, and as i was walking out the door to a scary first appointment, “so, you are never alone. right?” he wasn’t the type to tell me and thusly solve the issue for me. he was more a question posing you figure it out for yourself person. anyway, the answer given our recent conversation about my spirit guides was “no.”
do you think they are here with me reading my blog? i guess i should ask them sometime. are you guys just around to help with the big stuff or in your free time are you checking my blog for daily writings?
here is today’s irrational thought. maybe, if i knew how to write code and design things on the computer i could make my blog look prettier and then people would come read it.
maybe i should go drink gin out of the dog bowl.