it is 2010 and as the year turns from one to the next there are a lot of lists popping up. favorite posts, best blogs and bloggers and all that jazz. i have been at this for less than a year and i am not out there marketing or pushing my blog on social media outlets. mostly i just blog to keep my own head on straight. there is the side benefit of making a few connections and occasionally feeling like what i wrote was semi helpful to someone.
the truth is that as much as i know i am not blogging to win a popularity contest i still feel like a terrible failure sometimes because i am not popular. i am not “on the radar.” i am not one of those “real” bloggers with gobs of readers. there, i admitted it. i know, i know, i do know that gaining a certain number of readers is not the point for me. but still, those voices inside have no trouble piping up about how lame i am. the insecure woman lurking in the crevices of my soul feels like a failure, a loser, a terrible writer with a no good blog that is only fodder for mockery.
there is the truth of it.
the funny thing is that i should be comfortable with my role outside the mainstream by now. i have always been liberal enough in my views to feel pretty far left of group in the center. discovering my talent for telepathy (with animals no less) certainly didn’t bring me closer to a mainstream life experience. more recently my parenting choices have not fit with mainstream parenting. all in all with my politics, woowoo, and parenting inclinations as they are i am not the woman that hordes of other women feel akin to. or, in short, not everyone likes me.
that is ok.
it is just that every once in awhile i have to sit down with myself and have a little chat about it. no, you are not on any lists. you are not a top 50 this or that. no one famous does stomach flips over blog. you are not “waldorf” enough for the waldorf lists or “breastfeeding” focused enough for the breastfeeding lists or…
so on and so on.
i honor that the above facts hurt your feelings sometimes. i am just here to give you a gentle reminder that i love you. i appreciate the work you do. i even like your writing. some days.
truthfully, you know what i just realized? making someone’s list wouldn’t change anything for me. because looking to feel good about myself (my blog, my parenting, my photo’s, my writing, my spiritual growth, my anything) based on an outside source is a losing battle. it is a never ending cycle of wanting more better higher feedback. even if i was on a list i would still fight my own battles with doubt and insecurity. the work is always right here within me. seeking the place from which i can speak truthfully to my self with love and support, with appreciation and respect, with kindness and loyalty and forgiveness.
this blog has become a place i return to work though what is in my mind and my heart. to puzzle through the words to some clarity. something about the blog (the name, the intention, the sharing) makes me take a moment to center and get to what feels the most helpful and constructive to me. i don’t come here to make fun of myself or my life (generally). i seem to return again and again to remind myself that it is ok, that i know how to breathe, that i have spirit guides and teachers who love and support me, that there are things i know that are worth knowing. i come here to find the words to bring peace and joy to my day.
less than one year blogging and i have made a space that is sacred to my path. and my intention for 2010 is to keep blogging, to keep asking myself to take the time to write regularly. not to gain popularity but to elucidate my path and share some space with others who can relate. i want to push myself to accept that this kind of blogging can be scary for me. i want to be the real me anyways – not the version i think would get more votes.
well, if you made it through this one, thanks for listening. i am tempted to go back and edit out pieces of what just happened but i think i’ll leave it.
happy new year friends and fellow woowoo warriors. may finding your joy and peace be a cake-walk this year.