during the day i’ve been dancing.
when i first got down here i noticed how gigantic my belly has gotten and began the downward spiral that noticing belly growth can bring on. i was wondering why, i was feeling sorry for myself, i was feeling embarrassed, i was sad.
i decided i needed to be moving more (the tennis and yoga i had been doing at home wasn’t enough?!) and i asked my zumba-ing friend if she could recommend a dvd i could try. meanwhile i found online this video by a yogini i like (shiva rae) called, yoga trance dance. (the kidlets affectionally call it, “dance trance pants.”)
on a whim it was ordered.
the day it arrived i put it in and the kids and i danced through several of the prearranged half hour options. the next day we started building our own chunk of dancing fun using the matrix option. somehow this yoga dance video feels like a fascinating melding of my youth with my present day self. the yogic aspects, the shamanic feeling of the drumming are from my current life. the free form wild dancing remind me of my time spent spinning wildly through the audience at this or that live show back when i was unguided hippie. the two of me are weaving themselves together as i dance and stomp around my mom’s living room in south carolina parroting back at shiva, “dance for love! dance for joy! dance for truth!” as i twirl and bounce and kick and stretch and do whatever else happens in the pulsing music.
the first day i was euphoric. leaping and swirling around the space with the kids. drumming my feet and hands into the soft carpeting. dancing with them and apart towards and away. i felt like huge chunks of stress and discontent were breaking free. i was sweating and my heart was pounding and i was happy and i couldn’t believe i had somehow stumbled upon exercise and spiritual cleansing wrapped up tidily into one moment.
this kind of shedding feeling carried on for a few days of dancing. like the dancing was shaking off layers of mental, emotional, spiritual gunk. i was shocked and humbled by the ease of it and the intensity. it felt a little life changing.
then one day it was less — perfect. i connected with my team and asked for guidance. i asked if there was something i needed to know.
you need to work to bring your awareness to the energy you have in your body.
i need to build energy?
no. the energy is already there. you need to notice it.
can you help me?
is there a way i can move that will help?
can you prompt me so i know how to move?
if i just let go can send the message to my body so it knows how to move.
yes. don’t think about it. let it arise.
so i danced for healing. i danced to find the energy i already have. it was different.
the next time i had a moment again where i suddenly felt i was missing something.
would it be good to let you direct my body again? is there a way i need to move?
what is this about today? what do i need?
not escape, connection.
with who? with myself?
with the kids?
with my body?
with the present moment?
with everything. with everything. stop escaping. stop being fearful. truly be here. connect.
today the kids ran a few errands with my mom and while they were gone i decided to dance. i connected with my team and asked for guidance.
just dance. not for exercise, not for release, not for healing, not to break of chunks of stagnant energy. just dance to move forward. just dance to dance. dance.
so when shiva coached me along, “dance for your loved ones, dance for truth, dance for joy…” i called out, “dance to dance! dance for dancing!” my heart pounded and i was sweating and bouncing and spinning and stomping and opening and closing. just to dance. i felt free. i wasn’t working, i wasn’t healing, i wasn’t processing or getting through anything. there were no rules or directions. i wasn’t striving for anything except to dance. just explode into dancingness.
“this is freedom,” i kept hearing. “not reason, not should, not need to. this is freedom. this is freedom.”
tonight i left one of the shades open in my room. it is a full moon. i kept noticing her tonight and somehow, somehow, it feels related to all the dancing. like all my twirling and stomping and leaping and shaking has rhythmed me right into my body. my womanly, curving, created by nature, real body. and like somehow that pulls me closer to the place where you can look out your window in the darkness and feel the moon. feel it.