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Archive for March, 2011

early fern

it always takes me awhile to settle into my rhythm down here. at first the change from home feels liberating but after a few days i long for routine. then i bang against my edges a bunch while i try to figure out what to do here. and then, eventually, things settle.

dog walk

there are dogs to walk, meals to prepare, and laundry to do. we read books and play with the magna tiles and bake a lot. i slowly adjust to the schedule of the horses and their needs, the dogs, my mom. sometimes we practice yoga.

knee kiss

i have been thinking a lot about homeschooling again. reading inspiring books and articles, accidentally meeting homeschooled teenagers, and thinking about what our “curriculum” would consist of if we go for it. instead of feeling so torn about it i am starting to feel like the answer is already clear and i am excited. the other day i saw this large almost black hawk in wide skies above us. he was flying but not going anywhere – just up high holding perfectly still surveying the area. i thought, oh yes. sometimes flying isn’t about getting somewhere it is about taking in the view.

trike

another day the kids and i were in the car driving home from the grocery store. it was late afternoon and all three of us were on edge. they were in an agitated state of loud noises and rapid fire questions neither of which i handle well. finally i found my voice and asked, please, for just a moment of quiet so i could find a calm place. they got themselves quiet and in the momentary silence i encouraged myself to take a deep breath. as i was inhaling i remembered the breath work we did in the yoga class i had attended the morning before. so i held my deep inhale and sought the edges of my comfort. my belly and chest full of air, my throat and pelvic floor gently locked. my surroundings got blurry and focused at the same time – they way they do when you are suddenly present in a moment you had been trying so hard to avoid without even noticing the avoidance. i exhaled and again just sat waiting until i needed to inhale again. all the screaming in my head was gone and instead i was seeing things, trees, passing cars, sunlight on leaves. inhale hold. i settled back into my body, felt the car seat and my hands on the steering wheel. wow, i was thinking. how easy was that? and how — profound. that the breath holds that much power over my mental state. something i seem to learn and forget and relearn a million times over.

hay

a few nights after i arrived here in aiken my brother called. while we were talking he told me about the iphone app instagram. oh gosh, i am so hooked. if you are instagraming let me know so i can follow you. i am on there as woowoomama.

for pura vida

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part time

for the last 15 days i have been a part time vegan.

it has been a really interesting experience for me.  with highs and lows both emotionally and physically but always maintaining a much higher awareness of exactly what i am putting into my body and how it feels.

(part time veganism is inspired and led by heather’s 30 day vegan online workshop.  it is AMAZING and if she does it again i highly highly recommend it.)

the other morning i woke up in a less than wonderful mood. the kids though were their usual cheerful selves. they jumped out of bed, scarfed down a quick breakfast, and then dashed to the living room to play. they were just so excited to go play. i wondered what it would feel like to wake up with that same enthusiasm for my day. i haven’t gotten to it but it is on my mind. how to get there. at least part time.

 

the other day a woman who teaches yoga at the gym asked me, “are you an artist?”

and i answered, “no.  i am — i don’t know what i am.”

then i needed to forge ahead because i couldn’t let that be it.  “i am a stay at home mom and homemaker and i also work as an animal communicator and a shamanic practitioner.”

i guess i am a part time knitter, mother, wife, daughter, baker, cook, animal communicator, shamanic practitioner, cleaner uper, vegan, blogger, reader, runner, yogi, friend.

all that part timing is so full time.

 

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19

green beans are good with lemon, garlic, tamari, tahini sauce

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18

warm enough for water play

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17

late morning

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the truth spills out

on new years eve i annouced that 2011 was going to be the year that i no longer wasted my time yearning to be more normal or feeling frightened and insecure about the pieces of me that are different than the mainstream society i live in.  so many times since that evening i have pushed myself a little bit around my edges to grow in the direction of opening my mouth and letting my truth spill out.

i honestly thought it would be harder than it is.

but each time i speak my truth and the world keeps turning and i don’t turn into a puddle on the floor i find myself just feeling- well, ok.

there is always that moment before i speak – the moment where i used to silence myself – in which i find myself thinking, yes do it.

then i go ahead and share those tiny little bits of information that i used to hold onto in silence.  nothing earth shattering, nothing in fact that i haven’t shared pretty openly on this blog since day one (which was over two years ago by the way).  but writing has always been the easiest way for me to express myself honestly and openly.  i suppose that is why i have turned to it from time to time throughout my life.  now i am finding my speaking voice.  my casual at the bakery at the gym sharing my truth voice.

it is a pleasure.

 

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early in march

 

i know the winters are long and hard

and that i escape for weeks at a time

and that this is not the ideal climate for so many people.

but i am a season loving new englander

through

and through

and through again.

these days i can feel

in the soles of my feet

that the earth is shifting her energy.

that deep down

under the snow and mud

she is giving birth

to the spring.

 

even the barren trees seem to be whispering to me

about budding out.

as though i can see

the energetic precursor

to the actual event.

 

right now the wind is blowing so hard

those barren trees are threatening

to drop even more branches than they already have

under the weight of a long winter

of snow

 

but it feels like the wind is swirling and streaming through-

pushing the winter out

and blowing in the spring.

(or the pre-spring.)

 

it is coming.

it is coming.

i can feel it.

and it is the long, cold, dormant season we are coming out of

that makes the thrill so great.

that makes the subtle shift so perceptable.

that makes this time-

the verge-

so full of magic and possibility.

 

oh, i love the seasons.  i do.

for they are all such deeply different lessons.

and the start of each one is always

the start of

something

new.

 

 

*iphone photos of last weeks craft projects.  first spin art, then using the spin art to make butterflies, then using the spin art to make flowers.  all hung as an installation piece in the kids room.  love.

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visitation

at the end of yoga today, as i lay in shavasana, i found myself right on the verge of the light.  right at the edge of that blissful letting go.  just about to enter that space where you can truly feel that your thinking self is not who you are.  i was right there, just about to shift over, when my thinking self piped up – will you be able to sustain it?  yeah, so you are about to feel a release but will you hold onto it?  will you be happier?  will you stay near the light?  will it have a lasting effect?

 

i started to back away from it.  i doubted my ability to hold onto it.  and so i was beginning retreat when some other piece of me piped up, who cares if you can sustain it?  just go for a visit.

 

and so i did.  i dove out of my thinking and into my body and right through the outer edges to the shinning vibration of nothing everything.

 

visitation.  good stuff.

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