thoughts in the sun

today the sun is out and the weather is perfect. the spring i have been longing for has sprung. yesterday i was sitting here writing about how happy i was and how my soul was filled with light and today i am — well i am a crab. a crabby crabby crab.

the problem with being crabby is not only the crabbiness but the irritation with myself for being in a bad mood. i am in a bad mood and i am pissed off about it.

we did get hit with the stomach bug yesterday and i spent the afternoon cleaning up vomit which is always a blast. it is possible that i am carrying the bug but just not puking and that is making me off kilter. i do that a lot when the kids are sick.

as the morning progressed i got more and more worked up. all winter i imagined the spring and summer being days full of the kids playing happily outside. today the weather is here – it is here at last – and i have one child naggingly recovering from the stomach bug and the other whining at me, “milkies milkies milkies.” i want to scream at them to stop being so difficult and just go entertain themselves. it is nice out. play outside. let me be.

and i am so deeply upset with myself for feeling that way.

finally i gave up and sat on the front porch with a snack. the gardening i wanted to do half done, toys and chalk strewn across the yard, every pair of boots we own piled up on the porch and on down the front walk to the driveway, and the inside of the house decorated with hole punched paper bits, cd covers and the entire matchbox car collection. so help me divine one, it is a mess.

i sunk into my seat with a jar of tea and figured on a good old mope. but something else happened. i started being nice to myself instead of trying to figure out why i was so foul. i just said:

it is ok that you are a crab today. sometimes that happens. no big deal. even if you do snap at the kids and fail to be the kind of mama you want to be it is ok. you can have an off day and still be a good person. you don’t have to fix it right this second.

also, (i continued to myself) what if there is no such thing as the perfect day. i mean, The Perfect Day might just be a figment of our imagination. that might be ok too. instead of having this whole season of perfect days where everything goes just as you imagined it could maybe this is it? so, what does it really feel like to be here now? if you can let go of being upset with yourself for not being happy and you can let go of wishing you were experiencing Perfection in Action – what are you left with?

hmmm. i had silenced myself.
i sat in the silence.
the sun was shining.
i was drinking iced tea that i mixed myself based on my mood (lemon verbena, lemongrass, lemon peel, rosehips).
my jeans were rolled up and i was in a tshirt.
i painted my toes the other day and here i was looking at them.
right off the porch i could see the green shoots of the garden coming to life.
i could breath deeply, and again, and sense something opening slightly.
i looked up at the blue blue sky.
the sun was warm on my body.
my children were talking and i recognized their voices as the voices of my children who i love so deeply and madly and without boundaries.
i sipped my tea.
my tea was surprisingly tasty.
a fly buzzed by.

and just like that i was doing it. i was being in the moment instead of comparing the moment to some other versions of the moment that could possibly have been better.
the moment was ok.
ok is fine.
ok is ok is not bad.

today might not be the day i get it all done and have fun doing it.
but that day might not ever exist.
and i don’t want to miss the ok moments wishing for more perfect ones.
you know what i mean?
i am constantly letting go.
i am constantly needing to be more fully in the present moment.
i am constantly learning on this journey.

i hope you are joining me…